Wesley

Alright,

I've attempted SEVERAL times in the past almost 4 years to write.

And in the past almost 2 years,

every time I sit down to write I'm hit with a block.

So I will do this instead of attempting to write a long entry.

Wesley Richard Aaron Tait

My first born son,

Born Sunday March 26th, 1989

(it was Easter Sunday that year!)

at 4:57am

lost his battle with depression, addiction and mental illness on

Saturday May 31st, 2014.

My son took his own life,

my world has been shattered.

I've spent the last almost 2 years trying to find a new version of me, one I don't hate for being so alone in this, one who doesn't feel extreme guilt over failing as a parent...

Trying to put together the pieces around me.

I say I'm "unbroken",

but in truth, I've never been more broken!

I don't know how to survive suicide.

I don't know to go on after losing one of the biggest pieces of me,

one of the biggest pieces of my heart! 

R.I.P Wes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ifN89p6ovI

Finally Forgiveness....

I feel guilt over not writing more!

I know I shouldn't,

as I said from the beginning, this is really all about me.

There really shouldn't be any "norm" for doing this.

That being said however,

I'll admit that I've been wanting to write since the end of March.

I've written in the past about Forgiveness.

I took part in a "Forgiveness workshop" in March.

Probably the best thing I did for myself!

The facilitator of the workshop, in addition to my counselor,

informed me that

"forgiveness might not be what you think it is"

So I went to the workshop with an open mind and a willingness to forgive my father!

I said in my previous posting about forgiveness is that

I don't forgive my father.

Allow me to share with you some of what I learned in my two week workshop!

What forgiveness is not....

• A gift to the wrongdoer, its a gift to ourselves.
• Does not happen simply because someone asked for it.
• It is not earned.
• It is not about someone else
• Is not about letting people get away with hurting you.
• Approval of behavior, action or circumstance.
• Does not excuse what happened.
• Justifying what happened.
• Pardoning the action.
• Reconciliation.
•   Denying what took place.
• Turning a blind eye to what happened.
• Forgetting.
• Refusing to take the wrong seriously.
• Pretending we are not hurt.

Definition of Forgiveness....

• The act of giving up anger, resentment or indignation against another person or situation due to a perceived offense.

• Forgiveness is the gift of grace given so that the weeds of hatred do not spread in the person.

• Release the negative emotions such as anger, resentment, bitterness, indignation, hurt, irritation and guilt that are at others & self.

• Giving up the beliefs that generate these emotions.

• Shifting perceptions regarding the person or circumstance that triggered the unpleasant or negative feelings in an effort to learn to see things differently.

• Choosing and deciding to forgive.

• Developing positive feelings and attitudes toward the person/situation that was previously perceived as hurtful, including oneself.

•  Develop an authentic sense of peace and contentment when thinking about the past transgression.

• Giving up the desire for retribution, punishment or harm to the person or people.

• Discovering the idea that events or situations that were perceived as harmful were learning experiences that existed for personal or spiritual growth of all those involved.

 BINGO!!!

That last one had it all! 

I also learned that Forgiving people tend to be more...

• Optimistic (DUH!)
• Hopeful
• Trusting
• Warmer
• Friendlier
• Loving
• Peaceful
• Empathetic
• In touch with a sense of meaning and purpose

Who knew?
I'd already forgiven my father & wasn't aware of it!

I believe that even in my earliest postings I stated that
I grew from my past, it helped form who I am.
I've used it for the positive!
I accept that it happened and used it for my growth.

I have boundaries on acceptable behavior from those in my life.
I've chosen to not have my fathers toxic ways in my life.
That has nothing to do with my ability to forgive.

I have forgiven!
I'm happy with this discovery!

A Nice Change

Here we are,
coming up the one year mark of this blog.
Exciting!
I'll admit that looking back,
I've not written as much as I originally thought I would have.
However,
as I stated in the beginning,
this is really about me,
about when the urge to write hits,
about whatever happens out of my fingertips.

I sat down today to attempt to focus on some of the happier memories of my youth.
To share something positive from my childhood.
I assure you my father is not 100% evil.
He just failed me drastically as a father!

He worked two, sometimes 3 jobs at a time when I was growing up.
I understand a man needing to have a good work ethic,
needing to feel he's a good provider to his family.
I suppose that's it,
he thought he was a good father because he provided for us!
He just didn't realize that he wasn't really providing ALL we needed!

ANYWAY....
Today, happy memories!
Some of my happiest memories growing up,
the best memories ever,
are the ones where my parents didn't spend a penny!
Not the numerous trips to amusement parks,
not the hours spent at the stadium watching the Jays play,
not the almost endless camping trips,
not the seemingly never ending road trips to visit family in far away cities...
(Brockville is far away when you're a Toronto kid!)

The times I remember most fondly are the spontaneous silliness!
I remember giggle fits so intense my stomach hurt!
My step mother getting mad because we couldn't stop laughing.
Then hearing my father say to her,

"Just let them laugh,
their lives will be full of moments where they can't stop crying,
let them laugh!"

Who knew the old man was smart?!

I remember food fights during a big family dinner!
"Dad, can you pass me the potatoes"
was all it took to start it too!
And NO one was spared!
A handful of spuds, peas, spoonfuls of gravy,
whatever was on the table was game!
Advantage to coming from a big family,
clean up never fell to just one person!

It was such an awesome way to take out frustrations on each other!
Could never strike my parents,
but smash them with a handful of potatoes?
You betcha!

Back in the days before computers & video games to occupy us on a rainy day,
we ran in the rain & played in the puddles!
And what happens when the ground gets wet?
That's right, we played in the mud!
MANY photos of us covered head to toe in mud!

One warm early summer day,
June...
as each of us kids got home from school,
we'd each walk in the door one by one.
I was in the 8th grade, 13!

Walked in the door to be met by BOTH my Dad & step mother,
will a FULL pitcher of water each, and they drenched me!
"Good news, you're not the last one home,
go grab yourself a jug of water for the next one!"
That went on until each of us was home,
it was so much fun!
The best picture of my little brother Bobby standing there in the doorway SOAKED!
Bawling his eyes out!
Not because he was wet but because he couldn't throw water at anyone!

Those are some happy memories!
It would be nice to say I miss my childhood,
that because of those memories I wish I could go back...
But I don't!
And that's okay,
because I have kids too,
and I'm the queen of silly!


Honestly,
this is the first time I smiled as I wrote!

What a nice change!

Fix You

I simply adore music, song, lyrics!
Such an exquisite way to express ones feelings!
I have a LOT of music on my computer, covering a vast array of genres & artists!
I'm always shocked when I find out someone doesn't share this passion!
Almost offended!
I was watching Glee recently,
when a song that I loved for a number of years now was being sung
by one of the cast members....

I love this song
Because...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
(all the time it seems!)
When you get what you want, but not what you need
(I'd be happier getting what I need, wants are generally selfish!)
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
(again, all the time!)
Stuck in reverse
(I know this feeling well!)

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
(my childhood... my heart...)
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
(my dad, Stuart, Allan!)
Could it be worse?
(YES!!! It could!)

Lights will guide you home
(optimism is the lights!)
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
(this is sung to myself!)

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
(oh my!)
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
(just WOW!)

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

The reason for loving this song really can be found in the lyrics!
This song is about overcoming life's challenges.
This is the ULTIMATE optimism song!

Historically speaking,
I'm a fixer in relationships.
I typically pick men who need me to take care of them.
Each of their needs is different,
but they needed me to take care of them,
fix them,
whatever!

I have taken so much time to work on me.
I need to keep this song close to my heart,
I will try to fix me!
Or continue trying!

Happily Alone

I know its been a while since I last wrote!
The need to write has been there.
Its just that, at times,
no matter how much the urge or desire to write is there,
I can't!
A mental block I suppose!

A lot has changed in my life in the past 2 plus years
since ending my marriage!
Much of it happened this year!

I'm single!
Something I think I should have learned in my marriage...
I would sooner be single & happy,
surrounded by my friends & family,
than to be with someone yet be unhappy & lonely!

I am alone...
I am NOT lonely!

I am dating.
I'm having fun doing it too!

I do want to find the one who's right for me,
BUT...
I have no intention on settling for someone who is not right for me!
If I settle,
I know without a doubt that I will inevitably end up repeating past mistakes.
I know that I will end up unhappy & lonely!

NOTHING worse than being with someone & being lonely!

I love with all of me,
my whole heart, unconditionally.
I wear it on my sleeve for the world to see!
Yet I've been in more than one relationship where I settled,
where I overlooked things that are important to me.

Proof that until the lesson is learned,
life will keep trying to teach you the lesson!

I believe that everything happens for a reason,
that mistakes or bad decisions happen to teach us something,
and until that lesson is learned,
we're going to keep getting the same lesson over & over!

Its kind of like doing the exact same thing repeatedly,
then expecting a different result.

So here I am,
the holiday upon us,
Christmas this weekend!
The following week is New Years!
And I'm completely fine with being single!
I haven't felt an urge to "hurry up" and find someone!
I am quite content waiting,
taking time to get to know me,
to become familiar with the multitude of men
that seem to populate the world!
Who knew, that all men are not the same!

In my taking this time to learn what I bring to a relationship,
and deciding what it is I want, expect or DESERVE in my partner,
I'm allowing myself to continue to grow,
to be conscience of my choices.

An internal awareness of one self is a great thing,
it comes with a confidence & happiness that is so difficult to explain.
Something that I've learned not everyone possesses!

Likely due to the fact that its not that easily obtained!
It requires one to be honest with themselves...
About themselves!

I loved my ex boyfriend,
sadly, I loved him more than he loved me.
Was he deserving of my unconditional love?

I am a BIG girl,
medical professionals would say I'm morbidly obese.

My ex boyfriend told me once that he'd never been with a girl my size.
He even went so far as to say that he loved me IN SPITE of my size!

REALLY?
Is that supposed to be a compliment?

That would be like me saying
"I love you in spite of you being an insensitive oaf!"

I stayed with him because I thought he did love me!
Just of course he couldn't love me the way I loved him...
because I love so uniquely!
I've come to accept the fact that if anyone can't handle me at my worst, they sure as hell don't deserve my best!
I have some pretty amazing things I know to be true about me!
I know that there is someone out there who will appreciate me.
Because of me,
not in spite of it!

I am loud, bold, stubborn, a procrastinator.
But I'm funny, loving, tender, passionate, a great mom!

Its not about finding someone perfect!
No such person exists!

Admitting imperfection to yourself is difficult, but rewarding if you can get there!

I just want someone who...
Loves the way I get mad at myself for procrastinating on buying gifts til the last second!
Who thinks its cute that I swear at the television when watching a show or sporting event!
Who thinks its cute that I sing out of key, especially when I'm singing to him!
Someone who doesn't get mad because I don't make the bed!
Someone who will laugh not just with me, but AT me!
(Yes, I said that right!)
I don't want to be loved in spite of anything,
I want to be loved because of everything!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

That's what it says on shampoo bottles.
Ironically, its how life is too!

I've been going through a fair bit the past few months,
some of it almost duplicating events of the past two years of my life.
Which is a big part of why I've not written.
An excuse, I know it, but its true!
The desire & need to write have been there,
but other things took precedence.

I started struggling with anxiety & panic attacks shortly after ending my marriage.
Not sure why,
I was the one who chose to end it,
but I had them none the less.

Here I am two years later,
medicated.
Anti-depressants,
since starting on them I've had no major anxiety or panic attacks.

However,
I have noticed times recently,
where if I were not medicated,
I'd have a full blown attack.
My entire body gets hot,
top of my head to the tip of my toes,
this wave feeling comes over me, tingling,
I can't really explain it,
its just an odd feeling like something isn't right.

I guess its the feeling I got as a little girl,
I felt like this whenever I was going to get in trouble.
Fear.

That's what my anxiety is, FEAR!!!

Cool, never knew that til now!

A whole bunch of shit fell apart in my world AGAIN,
a lot of it repeating itself,
causing me to have this feeling overwhelm me.

I've gotten through the issues...
Stronger,
without real crisis.
I managed!

Maybe that's why it happened again?
To show me that I am strong,
that I have developed the skills to cope with things.
Things that just two years ago, caused me to fall apart!

I wish I'd seen this as clearly at the time,
because then it wouldn't have felt like my world was falling apart!

Forgotten Birthday

Today is my youngest brother Bobby's birthday.
I spent so much energy today focusing on not calling my father
as its also his birthday,
that I actually forgot it was my brother's birthday too!

I feel really bad for forgetting.
I did call my brother,
a little late,
but that was okay.

After wishing him a happy birthday,
this is how our conversation played out...

He said;
"You know its your father's birthday too, right?"

I said;
"Yes, I'm very aware."

"Did you call him?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"My own personal issues."

"Just call him!"

"I can't do that Bobby."

"Okay, well whatever your reasons, you know you can't undo this?"

"I'm very aware of that."

Bobby is 6 years younger than me.
I realize he probably doesn't remember a bulk of the physical abuse that happened at home.
Or if he does,
his truth is different than mine.

It took me 40 years to be strong enough to REALLY put me first!

My memories are mine!

I have to live with the feelings of inadequacy when it comes to him.
The knowledge that my father will never respect me enough to admit he
made mistakes.
He will never apologize to me or my siblings.

Its not wrong for me to hold those in my life accountable for their choices,
for their actions toward me.

So if I'm willing to live with the consequences of cutting my father out of my life,
why does it matter to anyone else?

I understand that my siblings don't like to see my father hurting.
If indeed he is,
but I can't base my choices on his feelings.
He obviously didn't put his children's feelings into
I know him, I could bet my non existent pay cheques on the fact that
his "poor Bob" act,
is just that,
an act!

I know he struggles with depression when he's not working.
I can relate to that!
But I can't give in to this.
I am FINALLY strong enough to not give in.
I stress out at the prospect of talking to him.
It causes me anxiety.
I don't like who I am after having dealt with him.

I feel inferior, weak, small, worthless & stupid
anytime I talk to him or around him!
Why would anyone subject themselves to that?
Just because he's my father I'm supposed to accept
verbal, mental, emotional abuse?

No thanks,
I'll take the guilt!
At least its a self induced guilt,
one I have control over.
This could be his last birthday,
that would be sad,
but I'm sticking to my convictions here.
I have to!
If I don't stand up for me, who will?

NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE,
will ever treat me as though I'm less than I am ever again!