Wesley

Alright,

I've attempted SEVERAL times in the past almost 4 years to write.

And in the past almost 2 years,

every time I sit down to write I'm hit with a block.

So I will do this instead of attempting to write a long entry.

Wesley Richard Aaron Tait

My first born son,

Born Sunday March 26th, 1989

(it was Easter Sunday that year!)

at 4:57am

lost his battle with depression, addiction and mental illness on

Saturday May 31st, 2014.

My son took his own life,

my world has been shattered.

I've spent the last almost 2 years trying to find a new version of me, one I don't hate for being so alone in this, one who doesn't feel extreme guilt over failing as a parent...

Trying to put together the pieces around me.

I say I'm "unbroken",

but in truth, I've never been more broken!

I don't know how to survive suicide.

I don't know to go on after losing one of the biggest pieces of me,

one of the biggest pieces of my heart! 

R.I.P Wes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ifN89p6ovI

Finally Forgiveness....

I feel guilt over not writing more!

I know I shouldn't,

as I said from the beginning, this is really all about me.

There really shouldn't be any "norm" for doing this.

That being said however,

I'll admit that I've been wanting to write since the end of March.

I've written in the past about Forgiveness.

I took part in a "Forgiveness workshop" in March.

Probably the best thing I did for myself!

The facilitator of the workshop, in addition to my counselor,

informed me that

"forgiveness might not be what you think it is"

So I went to the workshop with an open mind and a willingness to forgive my father!

I said in my previous posting about forgiveness is that

I don't forgive my father.

Allow me to share with you some of what I learned in my two week workshop!

What forgiveness is not....

• A gift to the wrongdoer, its a gift to ourselves.
• Does not happen simply because someone asked for it.
• It is not earned.
• It is not about someone else
• Is not about letting people get away with hurting you.
• Approval of behavior, action or circumstance.
• Does not excuse what happened.
• Justifying what happened.
• Pardoning the action.
• Reconciliation.
•   Denying what took place.
• Turning a blind eye to what happened.
• Forgetting.
• Refusing to take the wrong seriously.
• Pretending we are not hurt.

Definition of Forgiveness....

• The act of giving up anger, resentment or indignation against another person or situation due to a perceived offense.

• Forgiveness is the gift of grace given so that the weeds of hatred do not spread in the person.

• Release the negative emotions such as anger, resentment, bitterness, indignation, hurt, irritation and guilt that are at others & self.

• Giving up the beliefs that generate these emotions.

• Shifting perceptions regarding the person or circumstance that triggered the unpleasant or negative feelings in an effort to learn to see things differently.

• Choosing and deciding to forgive.

• Developing positive feelings and attitudes toward the person/situation that was previously perceived as hurtful, including oneself.

•  Develop an authentic sense of peace and contentment when thinking about the past transgression.

• Giving up the desire for retribution, punishment or harm to the person or people.

• Discovering the idea that events or situations that were perceived as harmful were learning experiences that existed for personal or spiritual growth of all those involved.

 BINGO!!!

That last one had it all! 

I also learned that Forgiving people tend to be more...

• Optimistic (DUH!)
• Hopeful
• Trusting
• Warmer
• Friendlier
• Loving
• Peaceful
• Empathetic
• In touch with a sense of meaning and purpose

Who knew?
I'd already forgiven my father & wasn't aware of it!

I believe that even in my earliest postings I stated that
I grew from my past, it helped form who I am.
I've used it for the positive!
I accept that it happened and used it for my growth.

I have boundaries on acceptable behavior from those in my life.
I've chosen to not have my fathers toxic ways in my life.
That has nothing to do with my ability to forgive.

I have forgiven!
I'm happy with this discovery!

A Nice Change

Here we are,
coming up the one year mark of this blog.
Exciting!
I'll admit that looking back,
I've not written as much as I originally thought I would have.
However,
as I stated in the beginning,
this is really about me,
about when the urge to write hits,
about whatever happens out of my fingertips.

I sat down today to attempt to focus on some of the happier memories of my youth.
To share something positive from my childhood.
I assure you my father is not 100% evil.
He just failed me drastically as a father!

He worked two, sometimes 3 jobs at a time when I was growing up.
I understand a man needing to have a good work ethic,
needing to feel he's a good provider to his family.
I suppose that's it,
he thought he was a good father because he provided for us!
He just didn't realize that he wasn't really providing ALL we needed!

ANYWAY....
Today, happy memories!
Some of my happiest memories growing up,
the best memories ever,
are the ones where my parents didn't spend a penny!
Not the numerous trips to amusement parks,
not the hours spent at the stadium watching the Jays play,
not the almost endless camping trips,
not the seemingly never ending road trips to visit family in far away cities...
(Brockville is far away when you're a Toronto kid!)

The times I remember most fondly are the spontaneous silliness!
I remember giggle fits so intense my stomach hurt!
My step mother getting mad because we couldn't stop laughing.
Then hearing my father say to her,

"Just let them laugh,
their lives will be full of moments where they can't stop crying,
let them laugh!"

Who knew the old man was smart?!

I remember food fights during a big family dinner!
"Dad, can you pass me the potatoes"
was all it took to start it too!
And NO one was spared!
A handful of spuds, peas, spoonfuls of gravy,
whatever was on the table was game!
Advantage to coming from a big family,
clean up never fell to just one person!

It was such an awesome way to take out frustrations on each other!
Could never strike my parents,
but smash them with a handful of potatoes?
You betcha!

Back in the days before computers & video games to occupy us on a rainy day,
we ran in the rain & played in the puddles!
And what happens when the ground gets wet?
That's right, we played in the mud!
MANY photos of us covered head to toe in mud!

One warm early summer day,
June...
as each of us kids got home from school,
we'd each walk in the door one by one.
I was in the 8th grade, 13!

Walked in the door to be met by BOTH my Dad & step mother,
will a FULL pitcher of water each, and they drenched me!
"Good news, you're not the last one home,
go grab yourself a jug of water for the next one!"
That went on until each of us was home,
it was so much fun!
The best picture of my little brother Bobby standing there in the doorway SOAKED!
Bawling his eyes out!
Not because he was wet but because he couldn't throw water at anyone!

Those are some happy memories!
It would be nice to say I miss my childhood,
that because of those memories I wish I could go back...
But I don't!
And that's okay,
because I have kids too,
and I'm the queen of silly!


Honestly,
this is the first time I smiled as I wrote!

What a nice change!

Fix You

I simply adore music, song, lyrics!
Such an exquisite way to express ones feelings!
I have a LOT of music on my computer, covering a vast array of genres & artists!
I'm always shocked when I find out someone doesn't share this passion!
Almost offended!
I was watching Glee recently,
when a song that I loved for a number of years now was being sung
by one of the cast members....

I love this song
Because...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
(all the time it seems!)
When you get what you want, but not what you need
(I'd be happier getting what I need, wants are generally selfish!)
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
(again, all the time!)
Stuck in reverse
(I know this feeling well!)

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
(my childhood... my heart...)
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
(my dad, Stuart, Allan!)
Could it be worse?
(YES!!! It could!)

Lights will guide you home
(optimism is the lights!)
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
(this is sung to myself!)

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
(oh my!)
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
(just WOW!)

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

The reason for loving this song really can be found in the lyrics!
This song is about overcoming life's challenges.
This is the ULTIMATE optimism song!

Historically speaking,
I'm a fixer in relationships.
I typically pick men who need me to take care of them.
Each of their needs is different,
but they needed me to take care of them,
fix them,
whatever!

I have taken so much time to work on me.
I need to keep this song close to my heart,
I will try to fix me!
Or continue trying!

Happily Alone

I know its been a while since I last wrote!
The need to write has been there.
Its just that, at times,
no matter how much the urge or desire to write is there,
I can't!
A mental block I suppose!

A lot has changed in my life in the past 2 plus years
since ending my marriage!
Much of it happened this year!

I'm single!
Something I think I should have learned in my marriage...
I would sooner be single & happy,
surrounded by my friends & family,
than to be with someone yet be unhappy & lonely!

I am alone...
I am NOT lonely!

I am dating.
I'm having fun doing it too!

I do want to find the one who's right for me,
BUT...
I have no intention on settling for someone who is not right for me!
If I settle,
I know without a doubt that I will inevitably end up repeating past mistakes.
I know that I will end up unhappy & lonely!

NOTHING worse than being with someone & being lonely!

I love with all of me,
my whole heart, unconditionally.
I wear it on my sleeve for the world to see!
Yet I've been in more than one relationship where I settled,
where I overlooked things that are important to me.

Proof that until the lesson is learned,
life will keep trying to teach you the lesson!

I believe that everything happens for a reason,
that mistakes or bad decisions happen to teach us something,
and until that lesson is learned,
we're going to keep getting the same lesson over & over!

Its kind of like doing the exact same thing repeatedly,
then expecting a different result.

So here I am,
the holiday upon us,
Christmas this weekend!
The following week is New Years!
And I'm completely fine with being single!
I haven't felt an urge to "hurry up" and find someone!
I am quite content waiting,
taking time to get to know me,
to become familiar with the multitude of men
that seem to populate the world!
Who knew, that all men are not the same!

In my taking this time to learn what I bring to a relationship,
and deciding what it is I want, expect or DESERVE in my partner,
I'm allowing myself to continue to grow,
to be conscience of my choices.

An internal awareness of one self is a great thing,
it comes with a confidence & happiness that is so difficult to explain.
Something that I've learned not everyone possesses!

Likely due to the fact that its not that easily obtained!
It requires one to be honest with themselves...
About themselves!

I loved my ex boyfriend,
sadly, I loved him more than he loved me.
Was he deserving of my unconditional love?

I am a BIG girl,
medical professionals would say I'm morbidly obese.

My ex boyfriend told me once that he'd never been with a girl my size.
He even went so far as to say that he loved me IN SPITE of my size!

REALLY?
Is that supposed to be a compliment?

That would be like me saying
"I love you in spite of you being an insensitive oaf!"

I stayed with him because I thought he did love me!
Just of course he couldn't love me the way I loved him...
because I love so uniquely!
I've come to accept the fact that if anyone can't handle me at my worst, they sure as hell don't deserve my best!
I have some pretty amazing things I know to be true about me!
I know that there is someone out there who will appreciate me.
Because of me,
not in spite of it!

I am loud, bold, stubborn, a procrastinator.
But I'm funny, loving, tender, passionate, a great mom!

Its not about finding someone perfect!
No such person exists!

Admitting imperfection to yourself is difficult, but rewarding if you can get there!

I just want someone who...
Loves the way I get mad at myself for procrastinating on buying gifts til the last second!
Who thinks its cute that I swear at the television when watching a show or sporting event!
Who thinks its cute that I sing out of key, especially when I'm singing to him!
Someone who doesn't get mad because I don't make the bed!
Someone who will laugh not just with me, but AT me!
(Yes, I said that right!)
I don't want to be loved in spite of anything,
I want to be loved because of everything!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

That's what it says on shampoo bottles.
Ironically, its how life is too!

I've been going through a fair bit the past few months,
some of it almost duplicating events of the past two years of my life.
Which is a big part of why I've not written.
An excuse, I know it, but its true!
The desire & need to write have been there,
but other things took precedence.

I started struggling with anxiety & panic attacks shortly after ending my marriage.
Not sure why,
I was the one who chose to end it,
but I had them none the less.

Here I am two years later,
medicated.
Anti-depressants,
since starting on them I've had no major anxiety or panic attacks.

However,
I have noticed times recently,
where if I were not medicated,
I'd have a full blown attack.
My entire body gets hot,
top of my head to the tip of my toes,
this wave feeling comes over me, tingling,
I can't really explain it,
its just an odd feeling like something isn't right.

I guess its the feeling I got as a little girl,
I felt like this whenever I was going to get in trouble.
Fear.

That's what my anxiety is, FEAR!!!

Cool, never knew that til now!

A whole bunch of shit fell apart in my world AGAIN,
a lot of it repeating itself,
causing me to have this feeling overwhelm me.

I've gotten through the issues...
Stronger,
without real crisis.
I managed!

Maybe that's why it happened again?
To show me that I am strong,
that I have developed the skills to cope with things.
Things that just two years ago, caused me to fall apart!

I wish I'd seen this as clearly at the time,
because then it wouldn't have felt like my world was falling apart!

Forgotten Birthday

Today is my youngest brother Bobby's birthday.
I spent so much energy today focusing on not calling my father
as its also his birthday,
that I actually forgot it was my brother's birthday too!

I feel really bad for forgetting.
I did call my brother,
a little late,
but that was okay.

After wishing him a happy birthday,
this is how our conversation played out...

He said;
"You know its your father's birthday too, right?"

I said;
"Yes, I'm very aware."

"Did you call him?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"My own personal issues."

"Just call him!"

"I can't do that Bobby."

"Okay, well whatever your reasons, you know you can't undo this?"

"I'm very aware of that."

Bobby is 6 years younger than me.
I realize he probably doesn't remember a bulk of the physical abuse that happened at home.
Or if he does,
his truth is different than mine.

It took me 40 years to be strong enough to REALLY put me first!

My memories are mine!

I have to live with the feelings of inadequacy when it comes to him.
The knowledge that my father will never respect me enough to admit he
made mistakes.
He will never apologize to me or my siblings.

Its not wrong for me to hold those in my life accountable for their choices,
for their actions toward me.

So if I'm willing to live with the consequences of cutting my father out of my life,
why does it matter to anyone else?

I understand that my siblings don't like to see my father hurting.
If indeed he is,
but I can't base my choices on his feelings.
He obviously didn't put his children's feelings into
I know him, I could bet my non existent pay cheques on the fact that
his "poor Bob" act,
is just that,
an act!

I know he struggles with depression when he's not working.
I can relate to that!
But I can't give in to this.
I am FINALLY strong enough to not give in.
I stress out at the prospect of talking to him.
It causes me anxiety.
I don't like who I am after having dealt with him.

I feel inferior, weak, small, worthless & stupid
anytime I talk to him or around him!
Why would anyone subject themselves to that?
Just because he's my father I'm supposed to accept
verbal, mental, emotional abuse?

No thanks,
I'll take the guilt!
At least its a self induced guilt,
one I have control over.
This could be his last birthday,
that would be sad,
but I'm sticking to my convictions here.
I have to!
If I don't stand up for me, who will?

NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE,
will ever treat me as though I'm less than I am ever again!

Looking Beyond the Closed Door

Okay,
I think I'm more convinced than ever before that I'm a strong woman.
That the depression and all I've endured have given me a strength that I wasn't fully aware of.
Well, not til now anyway!
Allow me to explain.

I started a new job April 11th.
I was pretty happy about it too!
Brought back my sense of pride, dignity,
gave me my self worth back!

Friday July 15th, 2011,
my employer IQT Solutions,
a call centre that handled phone calls for Bell Canada,
went into receivership.

This is how we were informed...

I went into work, just before 10am,
I wasn't scheduled to work until 10:45.
When I went in, all of my co-workers were having some system "down-time".
Basically,
NONE of our tools provided to us by Bell,
were working.
I'd been told before that it did happen from time to time,
however this was not the norm.
Everyone was in a fairly good mood considering we had yet to get our pay.
(it was payday!)
Around 12:00pm the director of our site walked around telling us all to pack up our things,
everything!
To meet him downstairs, he would explain it to us.
Of course there were rumours spreading,
gossip, speculations.
Sadly they all were accurate!

This is what we were told,
"at 10:00 this morning IQT went into receivership,
at 10:05, Bell Canada pulled their contract.
There is no pay, you will NOT be getting your pay cheques.
I strongly recommend you go to the labour board in regard to this matter!"

So, there I stood,
outside,
unemployed,
looking around at my former co-workers,
some crying,
some with blank looks,
some blood boiling.
I could hear comments such as,
"what are we going to do to pay our bills?"
"how do we get our money owed to us?"
"yay, summer off!"

Sure, those thoughts were in my head,
but the most predominant thought in my head?
Standing outside with the 600+ former co-workers,
"I have to compete with this many more people for a job!"
This is a VERY difficult time for job searching,
its a difficult time to be unemployed!

I was and am mad about my money!
I will follow process to get it!
I have a legal right to it!
So I came home and called the labour board,
filed a form online,
once I know more about who the trustee is for this case,
I will file for something called Wage Earner Protection,
a program offered to employees,
protection!

I contacted social services,
I contacted an agency that I know aids in finding employment!

On Saturday,
I handed out more resume's.

On Monday morning, at 8am,
my former co-workers are all meeting up at our former place of employment,
with the intention of banding together,
then heading to the local office for the Labour Board.
Everyone is going,
except me.

I have a job interview at 11am.
My priority is to find a job,
to get a pay cheque again!
Something that will make the fight with IQT and the trustee bearable!

I am SO much stronger now than I was 2 years ago!
This is a situation that could very well have affected my ability to function!
I would have coiled up, cried, given up!
Instead, I was proactive,
more I was ACTIVE in doing what I HAVE to do!

I often doubt my strength!
I know I shouldn't,
I know, especially now, that I am a very powerful force when it comes down to it!

I'm going to my job interview on Monday,
its a customer service based job,
one that some would consider menial,
but I know its one I will excel at!
My ideal job?
HELL NO!
But it will help pay bills!

I refused to allow this to knock me down!
I was telling those crying,
"this door closed, clear your eyes, look at the door that opened!"

I can't believe how calm I've been in all this!
I'm proud of me!
It's been such a difficult journey to get me here!

durhamregion.com had an article about what happened to us.
To read it, click
HERE

Also, a youtube video someone made...
HERE

A Montreal news paper, as IQT had 2 offices in Montreal!
HERE

On to my next chapter...

Where's the Humour?

Here I sit, it's July!!
Where the hell did the year go?

I didn't write in June at all.
I've been pretty busy lately with work.
An excuse, for sure, but a valid one!
So June was an interesting month for me...
Father's Day.
I chose not to call my father.


See,
my father had this running "joke" all through my childhood.
Sadly, it was a joke that only he found funny,
especially as I got older.

My cousin Natalie is considerably younger than me.
She's the daughter of my Dad's youngest brother Gordie.
When Natalie was little... 2-4 ish... I was around 10-12ish.
(TOTAL guess on ages!)

It was brought to everyone's attention how much Natalie looked like me when I was little.
Identical in fact!

So my father chose to start the stupid rumour or joke,
that when he was at work my Mom & Uncle were having an affair.
Why else would Natalie look so much like me?
He continued to make comments to that effect my whole life.
To the extent that when my Uncle passed,
my father called me to tell me...
"your father died"
SO SO SO FUNNY!!
I fail to find the humour in this... maybe I'm too close to the situation!

So since clearly my father died a few years ago,
I don't need to call him on Father's Day, or his birthday for that matter.

I had a talk with my sister this past week.
She & Dad had apparently talked this past week...

He asked her what was up with me,
complained that I didn't call him on Father's Day,
so apparently he's noticed my absence.
Why do people do that?
If you want to know why I'm not talking to you,
ASK ME!!
Don't ask someone else,
what a horrible position to put the other person in!

It really doesn't matter, he won't ask me why I haven't called or anything,
and I know for certain its because he KNOWS he won't like the answer.
I would tell him,
and as much as it would hurt him,
that's not why I'd tell him.
However its why I'm not calling him to tell him.
I don't want it to be for the WRONG reasons.
But if he calls, then gloves off,
truth WILL come out!

I don't fear him being mad at me,
because I've accepted that it doesn't matter what I do or say.
I'm wrong, I will never be right,
I will never make the right decisions by him.
I said to my sister that he doesn't care that I'm upset with him,
or care that I'm hurting.
He only cares about himself.
So why is it wrong that I've decided I no longer care how he feels?

My sister said she's worried about how my decision to cut him out of my life will affect me when he passes away.
I genuinely don't know...
but the funny part,
the BEST part...
right now,
I don't care!

I have lived the first 40 years of my life in anger,
in fear,
never feeling good enough!

I think I deserve to keep away from those that will hurt me.
Be it physically, emotionally, mentally,
I've made the decision to make my life from this point forward about me!!

Yes, I still cry for the father I know I will never have.
To be honest,
when he does pass away,
that will be what I mourn most!

But you can't really miss something you've never had,
can you?

(yay!! I wrote this without a single tear!)

Forgiveness

Someone asked me last week if I'd forgiven my father
for all he's done to me,
for all he's allowed to be done to me.

My answer was no.
Still is actually.

That question has forced me to ask myself why!
I have forgiven my ex for his part in our relationship
and the inevitable demise of it.
I have forgiven others for betraying trust,
for breaking my heart,
for saying hurtful things!
I've forgiven my mother for so many things over the years!
My sister & I have not always been as close as we are now.
To get to the relationship we have now, we had to forgive each other many things!

So tell me...
why can't I forgive my father?
My only logical answer to that is he's never asked for it.
He at no point apologized for the way he treats us.
He at no point has told me he loved me.
So how can I forgive?

I realize that forgiveness is for oneself,
and not the one in need of forgiving.

I just can't do it!

My mom has said & done some pretty stupid,
immature things throughout the course of our relationship.
We got past it by talking about it,
by apologizing,
and by forgiving.
By reminding the other of our love.

Same with my sister & friends.
We communicate.

I can't talk to my father,
I can't tell him what he's done.
I can't ask him to apologize,
so I can't forgive him.

I realize that when he's passed away,
I will, in the solitude of my room,
through my own unique mourning process,
speak with my father.
In that time I will ensure that he knows what he's done to me.
How he's made me feel.
I know his passing will be difficult.
Probably more so because I can't forgive him.
Mostly, however, because he will never REALLY know.


Does anyone have suggestions?
Suggestions on how to forgive someone something that,
no matter how you try,
you can't let go of?

I think I'm supposed to be able to let go of the abuse,
to let the hurt go.
But I just can't!
I guess I feel like if I do that it will invalidate what really happened!
I know. without a doubt,
that this is one scenario where I do not have to apologize.

Wikipedia describes forgiveness as
the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

I don't feel resentment, more hurt & anger.
I don't know that I'm seeking punishment or restitution,
I don't know what it is,
where I'm at.
I know I feel powerless.
I suppose forgiveness,
if I can find it
will free me of that feeling!

I think I'm not religious enough for that kind of forgiveness.

A-Ha Again!

A-HA Moment!!

Today I read the most profound statement,
it kind of goes with my decision to not have my father in my life.
To not pretend with my step mother.

"Hanging on to someone in your life who isn't adding value isn't loyalty -
its stupidity."

What an enlightening idea.
I have no clue where the quote originated from,
I just know that the very second I read it,
I related!
No mater the relationship,
no matter the person,
if they aren't adding value to my life,
see ya!

Toxic people,
people who don't nurture my soul,
people who don't bring to me as much as I give to them,
I don't need you!

Dad,
Sharon,
friends who think they can drain my emotions.

No drama,
no fuss,
no toxins in my life.

Small

Its a week after Mother's day,
and I must say the day itself was emotional & eye opening!
I spent the week leading up to Mother's Day creating & uploading a video to youtube.
A Tribute.
For my Mom, I miss her SO much!
It was emotional, full of memories.
Full of love!
I realized as I was creating this video how beautiful my mom was!
Amazing, I spent a majority of my life
cringing when someone said,
"you look like your mom",
arguing that I did NOT look anything like HER!!
Yet, the day after she died,
someone told me that I had her eyes...
I cried & said Thank You!
Funny how quickly that changed!
The video struck the hearts of those I wanted it to.
Even people I wasn't expecting!
The song choices fitting...
at least in my opinion anyway!

So, for the day itself, a small gathering with my sister,
my half brother, & me...
My Brother's wife just had a baby,
was the first time I got to meet the newest angel!
She's BEAUTIFUL!
(of course!)

Anyway, through the course of conversation,
it came up that my brother doesn't appreciate
or like when my sister & I start "bashing"
our step mother.
Especially in his presence.

Fact is,
she was my primary abuser,
she abused my older sister Pam,
developmentally handicapped,
non verbal,
furthest thing from a misbehaving child!
She abused us, not just spanked, but beat us,
with her hands, her fists, with extension chords,
with belts, with whatever she could get her hands on.
So, in my opinion,
I'm entitled to say things, no matter how negative,
about her!
I have avoided saying things about Sharon in front of my brother.
Out of respect to him...
Anyway,
On Mother's Day, he told my sister & I to refrain from
attacking Sharon around him.
That if we have issues with her, or don't like her,
why keep talking to her?
Why call her on her Birthday,
on Mother's Day?

Valid point...
DONE!
She was my primary abuser,
she was the reason my childhood & adolescence was lived in fear!
I've managed to not talk to my own father since Christmas,
does he REALLY think not talking to Sharon will be difficult?

Yes they are my parents,
I realize we all make mistakes as parents.
But the lack of an apology from them
indicates to me that they feel no mistake or errors were made on their part.
In fact is they damaged us!
Specifically
my older sister Pam,
my step brother Craig, to whom I don't speak,
and Me.
So, I will continue to not bad mouth Sharon in front of my brother,
however, to ensure I respect my brother's request,
I will no longer call his mother on her birthday or Mother's day.
EASY!
When she passes I will go to her funeral ONLY to support him,
for HIS loss,
because much like I wasn't hers to love,
she's not mine to mourn!

I realize that we all damage our kids to some extent.
I know we all make mistakes.
But I have a right to choose,
due to the hurt & damage done to me,
not to have them as a part of my life.

My brother may be able to get past or forgive for his truth.


I guess I'm just not that big a person.

Moments

I'm pretty sure I've said in the past that some days song lyrics might be the only thing I post...

This is one of those days!
itunes on shuffle,
This song comes on,
I love it!
I feel some of the lyrics so strongly!
I've had My Moments!

Moments
Emerson Drive

I was coming to the end of a long long walk
When a man crawled out of a cardboard box
Under the E. Street Bridge
Followed me on to it
I went out halfway across
With that homeless shadow tagging along
So I dug for some change
Wouldn't need it anyway
He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed
He said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that plane ride coming home from the war
That summer my son was born
And memories like a coat so warm
A cold wind can't get through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I stood there tryin' to find my nerve
Wondering if a single soul on Earth
Would care at all
Miss me when I'm gone
That old man just kept hanging around
Lookin' at me, lookin' down
I think he recognized
That look in my eyes
Standing with him there I felt ashamed
I said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like the day I walked away from the wine
For a woman who became my wife
And a love that, when it was right,
Could always see me through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I know somewhere 'round a trashcan fire tonight
That old man tells his story one more time
He says

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I've had my moments
I've had my moments

Father Rainey

Coming from a large family,
you already have to compete with your siblings for attention.
Now,
imagine for a minute that the only attention you got was negative!
Was a verbal attack,
a physical attack.

My step mother's favorite thing to do was grab me by my throat.
that was fun just after I had my tonsils removed.
Tasted blood for days,
couldn't talk,
perhaps that's what she wanted!

The names ranged from fat, stupid, useless, idiot,
to some more colourful, profane adjectives.

How is a young girl hearing those things on an ongoing basis
supposed to survive?
How is she supposed to come out of that home & not be broken?
How does she go on to become a mom & in turn NOT do the same to her children.
How does she not grow up to be a very angry person?
I spent 19 years in a relationship that angered me.

I ended my marriage,
but the anger didn't go away!
I was still so angry,
all the time,
at every little thing!
Of course I wouldn't show the anger to the majority of people that knew me.
A well kept secret.
My sister asked me why I was still so angry at my ex.
It was then that I stopped and gave thought, reflected.

I wasn't mad at him,
I was mad at me for staying so long.
Once I let go of THAT anger
it freed me up to look at the other areas of my life
where anger consumed me.
Dad!
I see my step mother maybe once a year,
I put on a fake smile,
pretend I give a shit,
pretend like she gives a shit,
and go on...
With my dad,
I can't do it!
I can't pretend with him!

I will admit that not talking to him at all has freed me of a lot of anger.
Its really only when I see him or speak to him that I get angry.
I do lash out when I'm angry,
sadly its misdirected anger.

My kids can tell when I've spoke to my father,
I yell,
my mood changes instantly.
I was feeling bad for not talking to my father,
I don't know if my sisters intention was to make me feel bad,
but I did.
But I'm taking that back!
Why should I talk to him if its only going to hurt me or cause me anger?
I can choose to live a life without anger!
Sadly,
that may include a life without my father.

I was watching TV this weekend,
there were some wonderful father/daughter relationships.

I cry when I see these,
where a girl says her Dad is her hero,
he's the best,
or he hugs her & kisses her & tells her he loves her.
Its genuine, I can tell,
because my relationship is strained at best!
I cry,
not because I'm happy for them,
but sad for me.
Sad for what I'm lacking!

I remember in high school, latching onto male teachers,
male guidance counselors,
to look to them for the support I so desperately needed.
Thankfully, I had an amazing guidance counselor.
A priest!
Father Rainey.
I do often wonder where he is, how he is!
I mean without him, I wouldn't have survived!

I was completely oblivious to the fact that
the guidance office was there to assist you with your
post secondary education!

He listened,
he supported me,
he helped me.
I spent HOURS in his office.
Unloading,
trying so hard to get a grown up to listen!
He did that!
Not only did he listen,
he believed me!
He even assisted me with finding group homes,
setting up appointments,
to get myself out of my parent's home.
To get myself the help I so desperately needed!
One day,
things at home erupted,
I ended up blurting out to my step mother
mid beating that I was doing this,
looking for a group home.
The look on her face was amazing!
Shock...

My dad was in the living room while I was getting my beating,
EPIC FAIL!

He asked me what the hell I was doing.
So I told him,
explained that my guidance office was aware of everything going on at home.
To say he was livid would be a vast understatement.
I got the cold shoulder,
not only from her, but him as well.
When he did speak to me it was only to attack me verbally.

He even told me to tell the group homes,
when I go to talk to them,
that when they ask where he is in all the abuse,
to tell them that my dad is dead,
I killed him by stabbing him in the back.

So I chickened out of leaving home.
Only to get kicked out just after my 17th birthday.

No apology has ever been given.
Its my fault,
if you ask my father about the events leading up to me being kicked out,
he'll tell you it was my fault.
I think he's right,
it is my fault,
I should have followed through with the group homes.
I should have put me first back then.

Strength

Going back to my "Filling My Well" blog entry,
I look at the rather lengthy list of adjectives & I think,
WOW...
that person sounds like a good person...
49 wonderful characteristics,
49 beautiful things!
22nd on the list is strong.
I know I'm strong,
I feel it.
I mean a weak person would have given up,
would have stayed in an unhappy marriage.
I chose to do the hard thing,
I chose to pick me over everything else.
By choosing the path I did,
I fell apart.
I suppose you could say I hit bottom...
I know that my bottom is very different than someone else's bottom.
Just as my truth is different than anyone else's.
I had to be strong in the moment that I decided to end my marriage.
I'm proud of me for doing so!
I spoke to some friends that have known how unhappy I was for a long time.
They're not surprised that I ended my marriage,
more that it took me so long to do it!
So here I sit now,
on the other side of depression,
feeling like I've hit my own personal bottom,
of course I'm well past that point now.
But I've seen bottom.
I lost a lot I think in that,
Humility, gone.
Pride, gone.
Self-worth, gone.
The thing is though,
in the midst of losing all that,
I somehow found myself.
Oddly enough,
its not at all the me I thought I was in the beginning of it all.
Its a much better,
smarter,
happier me!
I have a contentment in myself that I didn't have a year and a half ago!
I know without doubt that as each day passes,
I learn more about me,
I see the growth within me.
I feel it!
I am strong,
I know that I may not be the strongest person,
but I'm stronger than I was before!
And I think that's something amazing,
I'm kinda proud of me for it too!
It helps that I do have some friends,
very important to me that tell me they're proud of me.
For surviving all I've survived,
for taking the time to do the work,
for making me my number 1 priority!

The dictionary defines the word strength as;

moral power, firmness, or courage
power of resisting force, strain, wear

I don't know that I'm courageous or powerful,
I am me!
Learning to accept me as enough.
Or trying to anyway!

My Truth

Today I don't feel broken.
Its been a pretty good day today.
I've seen a good, positive version of me today!
Yesterday a good friend of mine called me & we got to catch up,
I got to talk to her about some of what I'm dealing with regarding my dad.
I told her that I've been REALLY struggling with a lot of nightmares or bad dreams lately.
One commonality in them is my father.
Some are of him berating me,
a verbal attack,
more of the same of what I've grown up with,
of what I've tolerated my whole life.
Some are of a huge falling out with the family because of my father & me.
My sister & I were fighting in these dreams,
(we're actually VERY close, and she's been supportive of me)
Not just one dream, not just once,
but several dreams,
several nights.
One day this past week my sister called me,
asked me if I'd spoke to dad at all.
I simply replied,
"No, my phone rings too!"
He hasn't called me,
he knows what I've been working through,
(depression only, no details of the things that my therapy & growth have brought up)
I'm not going out of my way to contact him.
We haven't spoke since Christmas,
with the exception of my sons birthday in January,
there have been no phone calls!

I felt like she was disappointed that I hadn't called him,
I realize he lost his job,
and I know how that's likely affected my workaholic father.
I know depression VERY well.

One thing my girlfriend said yesterday, was a quote from Ashley Judd,
who apparently has a book talking of her childhood & abuse she's endured.
She said...
"this is my truth, every person in the family has their own truth"
Its true,
this is MY truth!
My siblings don't remember a lot of the things I do,
the cost of being the eldest I suppose!
My truth is I don't feel the need or want to have a relationship with my father.
Not the father I have & know now anyway!
I was broken,
for a very long time I've been broken!
I'm not broken now,
perhaps I should thank my father & step mother for breaking me!
Because its when I stopped to pick up all the pieces that I really found me!

To Clarify...

It was brought to my attention that it wasn't clear that my last post,
Letter to Dad,
wasn't actually meant for my father to read.
I assure you,
that my father will not read this letter unless one of my siblings decides to share it with him,
which I'm fairly confident will not happen!
So that letter was simply for my own cathartic purposes.
An outlet for me to say what I need to say to him!
Perhaps one day,
upon his passing,
I'll print out a copy,
bury it with him.

I know the emotional & mental damage that he has given me,
his legacy!
I feel the effects of that everyday!
I'm supposed to be able to find a way within me to nurture the little girl
that he & my step mother damaged.
I'm just not certain how!
Okay, so looking back at me filling my well,
I know many positive things about me to be true.
I've been told as much by many others.
I've been told that I'm strong,
that I'm brave,
that I'm smart.
But how do I teach myself to believe it?
How do I give myself this positive affirmation?
I'm 40 and am so insecure.
I give this false air of confidence, of a strong woman.
I've had many people tell me that they were afraid to meet me,
to get to know me,
because I come across as scary.
I am, in truth,
a kitten.
I wouldn't hurt a fly if I could avoid it!
I am the biggest cry baby.
I hurt if someone doesn't like me!
I don't have the thick skin that others seem to think I posses.
So I need to toughen up, or do I?
Perhaps I'm meant to be soft!
I mean I am a survivor of abuse.
Physical, verbal,
mental, emotional.
Perhaps I'm soft because of those abuses.
Perhaps if I hardened due to my abuse,
I wouldn't be the woman I am today!?
(See, optimism at its finest!)
I smile a lot,
a huge, entire face consuming smile!
I hate it!
Perhaps because I know the truth behind that smile!
Sometimes I wish I was safe to tell my father the damage he's done.
Sadly, I know it would fall on deaf ears.
And I know all too well his reply.
I know the hurt and damage that would result in.
I'm certain many would say I don't need to have or maintain a relationship with him.
And the truth is, for the most part, I don't.
I do long for what I believe to be a healthy father/daughter relationship.
But that's just setting me up for disappointment!
I need to learn to give up that dream!
I need someone with all the answers!

I so wish he died first...
I miss my mom!
I know that's evil to say!
But I don't feel bad for feeling that way,
and I'm certain one day I will,
but for now,
it is what it is!

My soul search for personal growth continues!
I do wonder how different I'd be had I been raised by my mom!

Letter to Dad...

Dad,

I don't really know where to start,
what to say,
or even how to say some of what I feel I need to say to you!
Allow me to start by saying,
I am NOT sorry for what I have to say.
I am sorry however for allowing so much of it to affect my life to the extent it has!

I have struggled greatly with my own self esteem, body image & my very being because of the way I was treated as you raised me!
So many of the things you've said to me, called me,
have left scars that I don't think you will ever truly comprehend!
You've seemed to do so with tones of sarcasm,
so as to make everyone feel you were joking,
but here's the thing, there is a little truth to every joke and if you hear something often enough then you'll believe it!

Children learn what they live dad!

You are supposed to be the role model for men in my life,
you're the one who set the bar,
the bar that all men are to meet in my life.
Yet, I watched you physically abuse my step mother, as you did my mother before her.
I watched you physically abuse my step brother.
I myself have experienced the physical pain of your rage.
I have VIVID memories of the physical abuses I've endured!
I cry just thinking about them!
HOW do adults think its okay to do this to children?
I'm 40 and don't think that I should be haunted by these memories!!

I am however, surprised at the amount of mental & psychological damage I live with due to the seemingly countless episodes of verbal/mental abuse!
I don't know that I will ever be able to get over being called fat, thunder thighs, hungry hippo or whatever other names you felt appropriate to call me!
I don't think you knew how much it hurt to have you say that the only way I ever finished a cross country race in school was to have you stand at the finish line & yell lunch!
I ran cross country & track because I enjoyed it, I was good at it too!
You made it so I was not comfortable running, so I wouldn't try.
You made me feel that I wasn't any good at it!
And calling me the names on top of that made me feel that I was fat anyway so why bother?! What I know now as an adult, is that I was NOT fat back then!
I was a normal HEALTHY young lady who's body was developing,
I had curves in all the right places!
I was FIT!
As a developing young woman I was already full of insecurities & self doubt,
I already had a low self esteem,
then to have my FATHER & step mother,
those responsible for my growth & development be the ones to rip me down,
to ensure I struggled and searched for love, acceptance, affection & attention from others!
I sit here now, a very lost, depressed, insecure morbidly obese 40 year old woman!
How much of that has stemmed from my childhood?
How much of my current situation is because of the very deep emotional scars left by you?

Why is it that anytime I think of you, dealing with you, thinking about having to talk to you, or even about past conversations I get scared?
I'm nervous at the prospect of dealing with you!
WHY?
Why is it that the father I want you to be, the father I need, you're not him?

My psychiatrist, who I thought was a nut job himself when I first started seeing him.
Has helped me see things in a different light.
He asked me, would you go to Canadian Tire to purchase a burger?
Of course my answer was no!
He likened what it is I want from you to that,
I keep going back to Canadian Tire asking them to make me a burger!
No matter how many times I go there asking them to do it they just won't!
I keep looking to you to be this person you aren't,
you aren't capable of being!
So WHY, dear god WHY, do I keep looking to you for it?
Why am I so desperate to have a relationship with someone who makes me feel stupid,
who makes me feel inferior?
I don't know the reason for it.
I've recently come to accept that its not just me that you're not this father to.
It's all of us!
Yet for some reason, I'm the only one who STILL gets treated this way!
I know you had a hard childhood yourself,
and I'm certain somewhere in your rationale,
you tell yourself that "at least they didn't have it as bad as I did!"
Dad, I'm here to tell you that you failed me consistently throughout my life,
and continue to do so!
I need to expect for you to consistently disappoint me.
I need to know that you will never admit your wrongs.
Yes Dad, you've been wrong!
Why is it, if for whatever reason,
I challenge your views or opinions, I'm an idiot?
Why am I the one that's wrong?

I don't ever expect you to apologize.
I don't ever expect you to tell me you love me.
I don't ever expect to have you make me feel special to you.
You're my father,
a girl is supposed to be protected by her dad!
You not only didn't protect me, but you yourself,
broke me!

I read this following quote from one of my favorite books...

ALL PARENTS DAMAGE their children.
It cannot be helped.
Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers.
Some parents smudge, other crack,
a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces beyond repair.

I would say you shattered mine!
I'm sure that you, and quite possibly others would say you only cracked...
But to me the only abuse I didn't endure at your hand was incest!
That's a VERY sad statement!

I've learned that you have an empty well.
I'm working on accepting that.
The real test will be when I have to interact with you again.
I'm hoping its not until Christmas again.
Part of me REALLY wants to tell you how I'm feeling,
to let you know how you've failed me, and how you continue to do so!
But I'm afraid that if I did so it would simply be to hurt you,
because I know deep down you just wouldn't get it.
Perhaps you just won't care!
But I feel that at this point,
the only thing I can do for me is let this go.
To let go of any dreams I have for you.

I know one day I'll regret many things,
but I can't have you be one of them!
After all, I am who I am now because of you & Sharon!
I'm this strong survivor because of your failures!

I love you Dad,
I'm just so sorry that's not enough for either of us!

Your Daughter,
Tracy

Back to Living!

Okay, so life takes many twists and turns.
What I wasn't expecting was the recent turn my life took!
I had it in my head that I was going to go back to school,
to obtain my LONG overdue high school diploma!

That's changed!
I applied for a job last Friday,
got a phone call & completed my phone interview on Monday,
had an interview on Tuesday,
where I had the interviewer compliment me numerous times,
saying she could tell that I knew my stuff,
that I was no one's dummy.
I was called a superstar!
Now I'm not a kid,
I know that she probably uses phrases like that a lot in the interview process.
However,
today when she called me to tell me I indeed did have the job,
and would be starting on April 11th.
She also said to me that it was by far the best interview she'd ever been a part of!
I thanked her, she said no, it was her pleasure!

I lack a piece of paper,
I know that!
But I also know I have skills.
Serious skills that can't be taught in a classroom setting!
I am very proud of myself, that in less than a week I obtained employment with one resume!

The decision wasn't difficult either!
I needed to take control of my life.
I felt like I was sitting on the sidelines watching,
falling into yet another depression waiting for life to happen!
I'm 40, I'm NOT dumb!
I am a literate, intelligent, skilled woman!
And that can't be faked!

The interviewer herself told me in interview that she would be surprised if I was still in the same position in 6 months, and that in 5 years she fully expects to see me in upper management!
Its nice to know that others see me in this way.

I felt as though I've been faking it for so long.
Now, I know who I am, SO SO SO much more than I did over a year ago!
And I know that a lack of a diploma, does not define me!
Yes, I have to work to show people that,
but really, they don't know unless I tell them!

I am unbelievably happy & excited.
Happy I took control.
Excited about a new chapter!
Excited to be living again!

Filling My Well

Today I read every blog entry on here.
I mean I always read back once I post it,
and typically I read it out loud and cry.
Reading it out loud is very cathartic for me,
its like putting it out into the universe for everyone to hear.
Perhaps that's why I've chosen this method of blogging as opposed to a personal online journal!
Putting it out into the universe is like a release for me!

So with reading everything back,
something occurred to me.
I did something to attempt to fill my empty well for myself last summer,
after I'd finished dating my toxic friend.
I had written out a page of affirmations for myself.

It took some searching to find it, but I located it,
going to share it here.
Its going to sound a lot like that little girl standing in front of her mirror saying I love this... I love that... but not quite!

I titled it,

What I know to be true about me.

loyal friend
good mother
loving
caring
young at heart
boisterous
affectionate
empathetic
positive
optimistic
generous
tender
honest
sincere
selfless
kind
intelligent
funny
trusting
trustful
confident
strong
calm
musical
artistic
appreciative
excellent aunt
family oriented
sensitive
silly
humourous
emotional
admirable
leader
powerful
deserving
friendly
outgoing
thoughtful
spiritual
tender
open
respectful
straight forward
forgiving
adventurous
insightful
expressive

SURVIVOR!
I am a survivor,
I've survived a lot,
yet I still posses these characteristics!
Perhaps because of my difficult life, not in spite of it,
I posses these characteristics!

I bring all of this to my relationships & friendships.
I should expect the same from others!

I need to read this list more often!
I need to believe these things to be true every day!
I know, logically, I posses these characteristics daily,
yet I struggle to find them some days.

I imagine some day in the future,
I'll sit down to read my blog and come across this one.
When that day comes I hope I can see how far I've come.
I hope I can dip into my own full well for any self assurance,
self acceptance, love, kindness that I seek.
One day!