Forgiveness

Someone asked me last week if I'd forgiven my father
for all he's done to me,
for all he's allowed to be done to me.

My answer was no.
Still is actually.

That question has forced me to ask myself why!
I have forgiven my ex for his part in our relationship
and the inevitable demise of it.
I have forgiven others for betraying trust,
for breaking my heart,
for saying hurtful things!
I've forgiven my mother for so many things over the years!
My sister & I have not always been as close as we are now.
To get to the relationship we have now, we had to forgive each other many things!

So tell me...
why can't I forgive my father?
My only logical answer to that is he's never asked for it.
He at no point apologized for the way he treats us.
He at no point has told me he loved me.
So how can I forgive?

I realize that forgiveness is for oneself,
and not the one in need of forgiving.

I just can't do it!

My mom has said & done some pretty stupid,
immature things throughout the course of our relationship.
We got past it by talking about it,
by apologizing,
and by forgiving.
By reminding the other of our love.

Same with my sister & friends.
We communicate.

I can't talk to my father,
I can't tell him what he's done.
I can't ask him to apologize,
so I can't forgive him.

I realize that when he's passed away,
I will, in the solitude of my room,
through my own unique mourning process,
speak with my father.
In that time I will ensure that he knows what he's done to me.
How he's made me feel.
I know his passing will be difficult.
Probably more so because I can't forgive him.
Mostly, however, because he will never REALLY know.


Does anyone have suggestions?
Suggestions on how to forgive someone something that,
no matter how you try,
you can't let go of?

I think I'm supposed to be able to let go of the abuse,
to let the hurt go.
But I just can't!
I guess I feel like if I do that it will invalidate what really happened!
I know. without a doubt,
that this is one scenario where I do not have to apologize.

Wikipedia describes forgiveness as
the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

I don't feel resentment, more hurt & anger.
I don't know that I'm seeking punishment or restitution,
I don't know what it is,
where I'm at.
I know I feel powerless.
I suppose forgiveness,
if I can find it
will free me of that feeling!

I think I'm not religious enough for that kind of forgiveness.

A-Ha Again!

A-HA Moment!!

Today I read the most profound statement,
it kind of goes with my decision to not have my father in my life.
To not pretend with my step mother.

"Hanging on to someone in your life who isn't adding value isn't loyalty -
its stupidity."

What an enlightening idea.
I have no clue where the quote originated from,
I just know that the very second I read it,
I related!
No mater the relationship,
no matter the person,
if they aren't adding value to my life,
see ya!

Toxic people,
people who don't nurture my soul,
people who don't bring to me as much as I give to them,
I don't need you!

Dad,
Sharon,
friends who think they can drain my emotions.

No drama,
no fuss,
no toxins in my life.

Small

Its a week after Mother's day,
and I must say the day itself was emotional & eye opening!
I spent the week leading up to Mother's Day creating & uploading a video to youtube.
A Tribute.
For my Mom, I miss her SO much!
It was emotional, full of memories.
Full of love!
I realized as I was creating this video how beautiful my mom was!
Amazing, I spent a majority of my life
cringing when someone said,
"you look like your mom",
arguing that I did NOT look anything like HER!!
Yet, the day after she died,
someone told me that I had her eyes...
I cried & said Thank You!
Funny how quickly that changed!
The video struck the hearts of those I wanted it to.
Even people I wasn't expecting!
The song choices fitting...
at least in my opinion anyway!

So, for the day itself, a small gathering with my sister,
my half brother, & me...
My Brother's wife just had a baby,
was the first time I got to meet the newest angel!
She's BEAUTIFUL!
(of course!)

Anyway, through the course of conversation,
it came up that my brother doesn't appreciate
or like when my sister & I start "bashing"
our step mother.
Especially in his presence.

Fact is,
she was my primary abuser,
she abused my older sister Pam,
developmentally handicapped,
non verbal,
furthest thing from a misbehaving child!
She abused us, not just spanked, but beat us,
with her hands, her fists, with extension chords,
with belts, with whatever she could get her hands on.
So, in my opinion,
I'm entitled to say things, no matter how negative,
about her!
I have avoided saying things about Sharon in front of my brother.
Out of respect to him...
Anyway,
On Mother's Day, he told my sister & I to refrain from
attacking Sharon around him.
That if we have issues with her, or don't like her,
why keep talking to her?
Why call her on her Birthday,
on Mother's Day?

Valid point...
DONE!
She was my primary abuser,
she was the reason my childhood & adolescence was lived in fear!
I've managed to not talk to my own father since Christmas,
does he REALLY think not talking to Sharon will be difficult?

Yes they are my parents,
I realize we all make mistakes as parents.
But the lack of an apology from them
indicates to me that they feel no mistake or errors were made on their part.
In fact is they damaged us!
Specifically
my older sister Pam,
my step brother Craig, to whom I don't speak,
and Me.
So, I will continue to not bad mouth Sharon in front of my brother,
however, to ensure I respect my brother's request,
I will no longer call his mother on her birthday or Mother's day.
EASY!
When she passes I will go to her funeral ONLY to support him,
for HIS loss,
because much like I wasn't hers to love,
she's not mine to mourn!

I realize that we all damage our kids to some extent.
I know we all make mistakes.
But I have a right to choose,
due to the hurt & damage done to me,
not to have them as a part of my life.

My brother may be able to get past or forgive for his truth.


I guess I'm just not that big a person.