Fix You

I simply adore music, song, lyrics!
Such an exquisite way to express ones feelings!
I have a LOT of music on my computer, covering a vast array of genres & artists!
I'm always shocked when I find out someone doesn't share this passion!
Almost offended!
I was watching Glee recently,
when a song that I loved for a number of years now was being sung
by one of the cast members....

I love this song
Because...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
(all the time it seems!)
When you get what you want, but not what you need
(I'd be happier getting what I need, wants are generally selfish!)
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
(again, all the time!)
Stuck in reverse
(I know this feeling well!)

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
(my childhood... my heart...)
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
(my dad, Stuart, Allan!)
Could it be worse?
(YES!!! It could!)

Lights will guide you home
(optimism is the lights!)
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
(this is sung to myself!)

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
(oh my!)
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
(just WOW!)

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

The reason for loving this song really can be found in the lyrics!
This song is about overcoming life's challenges.
This is the ULTIMATE optimism song!

Historically speaking,
I'm a fixer in relationships.
I typically pick men who need me to take care of them.
Each of their needs is different,
but they needed me to take care of them,
fix them,
whatever!

I have taken so much time to work on me.
I need to keep this song close to my heart,
I will try to fix me!
Or continue trying!

Happily Alone

I know its been a while since I last wrote!
The need to write has been there.
Its just that, at times,
no matter how much the urge or desire to write is there,
I can't!
A mental block I suppose!

A lot has changed in my life in the past 2 plus years
since ending my marriage!
Much of it happened this year!

I'm single!
Something I think I should have learned in my marriage...
I would sooner be single & happy,
surrounded by my friends & family,
than to be with someone yet be unhappy & lonely!

I am alone...
I am NOT lonely!

I am dating.
I'm having fun doing it too!

I do want to find the one who's right for me,
BUT...
I have no intention on settling for someone who is not right for me!
If I settle,
I know without a doubt that I will inevitably end up repeating past mistakes.
I know that I will end up unhappy & lonely!

NOTHING worse than being with someone & being lonely!

I love with all of me,
my whole heart, unconditionally.
I wear it on my sleeve for the world to see!
Yet I've been in more than one relationship where I settled,
where I overlooked things that are important to me.

Proof that until the lesson is learned,
life will keep trying to teach you the lesson!

I believe that everything happens for a reason,
that mistakes or bad decisions happen to teach us something,
and until that lesson is learned,
we're going to keep getting the same lesson over & over!

Its kind of like doing the exact same thing repeatedly,
then expecting a different result.

So here I am,
the holiday upon us,
Christmas this weekend!
The following week is New Years!
And I'm completely fine with being single!
I haven't felt an urge to "hurry up" and find someone!
I am quite content waiting,
taking time to get to know me,
to become familiar with the multitude of men
that seem to populate the world!
Who knew, that all men are not the same!

In my taking this time to learn what I bring to a relationship,
and deciding what it is I want, expect or DESERVE in my partner,
I'm allowing myself to continue to grow,
to be conscience of my choices.

An internal awareness of one self is a great thing,
it comes with a confidence & happiness that is so difficult to explain.
Something that I've learned not everyone possesses!

Likely due to the fact that its not that easily obtained!
It requires one to be honest with themselves...
About themselves!

I loved my ex boyfriend,
sadly, I loved him more than he loved me.
Was he deserving of my unconditional love?

I am a BIG girl,
medical professionals would say I'm morbidly obese.

My ex boyfriend told me once that he'd never been with a girl my size.
He even went so far as to say that he loved me IN SPITE of my size!

REALLY?
Is that supposed to be a compliment?

That would be like me saying
"I love you in spite of you being an insensitive oaf!"

I stayed with him because I thought he did love me!
Just of course he couldn't love me the way I loved him...
because I love so uniquely!
I've come to accept the fact that if anyone can't handle me at my worst, they sure as hell don't deserve my best!
I have some pretty amazing things I know to be true about me!
I know that there is someone out there who will appreciate me.
Because of me,
not in spite of it!

I am loud, bold, stubborn, a procrastinator.
But I'm funny, loving, tender, passionate, a great mom!

Its not about finding someone perfect!
No such person exists!

Admitting imperfection to yourself is difficult, but rewarding if you can get there!

I just want someone who...
Loves the way I get mad at myself for procrastinating on buying gifts til the last second!
Who thinks its cute that I swear at the television when watching a show or sporting event!
Who thinks its cute that I sing out of key, especially when I'm singing to him!
Someone who doesn't get mad because I don't make the bed!
Someone who will laugh not just with me, but AT me!
(Yes, I said that right!)
I don't want to be loved in spite of anything,
I want to be loved because of everything!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

That's what it says on shampoo bottles.
Ironically, its how life is too!

I've been going through a fair bit the past few months,
some of it almost duplicating events of the past two years of my life.
Which is a big part of why I've not written.
An excuse, I know it, but its true!
The desire & need to write have been there,
but other things took precedence.

I started struggling with anxiety & panic attacks shortly after ending my marriage.
Not sure why,
I was the one who chose to end it,
but I had them none the less.

Here I am two years later,
medicated.
Anti-depressants,
since starting on them I've had no major anxiety or panic attacks.

However,
I have noticed times recently,
where if I were not medicated,
I'd have a full blown attack.
My entire body gets hot,
top of my head to the tip of my toes,
this wave feeling comes over me, tingling,
I can't really explain it,
its just an odd feeling like something isn't right.

I guess its the feeling I got as a little girl,
I felt like this whenever I was going to get in trouble.
Fear.

That's what my anxiety is, FEAR!!!

Cool, never knew that til now!

A whole bunch of shit fell apart in my world AGAIN,
a lot of it repeating itself,
causing me to have this feeling overwhelm me.

I've gotten through the issues...
Stronger,
without real crisis.
I managed!

Maybe that's why it happened again?
To show me that I am strong,
that I have developed the skills to cope with things.
Things that just two years ago, caused me to fall apart!

I wish I'd seen this as clearly at the time,
because then it wouldn't have felt like my world was falling apart!

Forgotten Birthday

Today is my youngest brother Bobby's birthday.
I spent so much energy today focusing on not calling my father
as its also his birthday,
that I actually forgot it was my brother's birthday too!

I feel really bad for forgetting.
I did call my brother,
a little late,
but that was okay.

After wishing him a happy birthday,
this is how our conversation played out...

He said;
"You know its your father's birthday too, right?"

I said;
"Yes, I'm very aware."

"Did you call him?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"My own personal issues."

"Just call him!"

"I can't do that Bobby."

"Okay, well whatever your reasons, you know you can't undo this?"

"I'm very aware of that."

Bobby is 6 years younger than me.
I realize he probably doesn't remember a bulk of the physical abuse that happened at home.
Or if he does,
his truth is different than mine.

It took me 40 years to be strong enough to REALLY put me first!

My memories are mine!

I have to live with the feelings of inadequacy when it comes to him.
The knowledge that my father will never respect me enough to admit he
made mistakes.
He will never apologize to me or my siblings.

Its not wrong for me to hold those in my life accountable for their choices,
for their actions toward me.

So if I'm willing to live with the consequences of cutting my father out of my life,
why does it matter to anyone else?

I understand that my siblings don't like to see my father hurting.
If indeed he is,
but I can't base my choices on his feelings.
He obviously didn't put his children's feelings into
I know him, I could bet my non existent pay cheques on the fact that
his "poor Bob" act,
is just that,
an act!

I know he struggles with depression when he's not working.
I can relate to that!
But I can't give in to this.
I am FINALLY strong enough to not give in.
I stress out at the prospect of talking to him.
It causes me anxiety.
I don't like who I am after having dealt with him.

I feel inferior, weak, small, worthless & stupid
anytime I talk to him or around him!
Why would anyone subject themselves to that?
Just because he's my father I'm supposed to accept
verbal, mental, emotional abuse?

No thanks,
I'll take the guilt!
At least its a self induced guilt,
one I have control over.
This could be his last birthday,
that would be sad,
but I'm sticking to my convictions here.
I have to!
If I don't stand up for me, who will?

NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE,
will ever treat me as though I'm less than I am ever again!

Looking Beyond the Closed Door

Okay,
I think I'm more convinced than ever before that I'm a strong woman.
That the depression and all I've endured have given me a strength that I wasn't fully aware of.
Well, not til now anyway!
Allow me to explain.

I started a new job April 11th.
I was pretty happy about it too!
Brought back my sense of pride, dignity,
gave me my self worth back!

Friday July 15th, 2011,
my employer IQT Solutions,
a call centre that handled phone calls for Bell Canada,
went into receivership.

This is how we were informed...

I went into work, just before 10am,
I wasn't scheduled to work until 10:45.
When I went in, all of my co-workers were having some system "down-time".
Basically,
NONE of our tools provided to us by Bell,
were working.
I'd been told before that it did happen from time to time,
however this was not the norm.
Everyone was in a fairly good mood considering we had yet to get our pay.
(it was payday!)
Around 12:00pm the director of our site walked around telling us all to pack up our things,
everything!
To meet him downstairs, he would explain it to us.
Of course there were rumours spreading,
gossip, speculations.
Sadly they all were accurate!

This is what we were told,
"at 10:00 this morning IQT went into receivership,
at 10:05, Bell Canada pulled their contract.
There is no pay, you will NOT be getting your pay cheques.
I strongly recommend you go to the labour board in regard to this matter!"

So, there I stood,
outside,
unemployed,
looking around at my former co-workers,
some crying,
some with blank looks,
some blood boiling.
I could hear comments such as,
"what are we going to do to pay our bills?"
"how do we get our money owed to us?"
"yay, summer off!"

Sure, those thoughts were in my head,
but the most predominant thought in my head?
Standing outside with the 600+ former co-workers,
"I have to compete with this many more people for a job!"
This is a VERY difficult time for job searching,
its a difficult time to be unemployed!

I was and am mad about my money!
I will follow process to get it!
I have a legal right to it!
So I came home and called the labour board,
filed a form online,
once I know more about who the trustee is for this case,
I will file for something called Wage Earner Protection,
a program offered to employees,
protection!

I contacted social services,
I contacted an agency that I know aids in finding employment!

On Saturday,
I handed out more resume's.

On Monday morning, at 8am,
my former co-workers are all meeting up at our former place of employment,
with the intention of banding together,
then heading to the local office for the Labour Board.
Everyone is going,
except me.

I have a job interview at 11am.
My priority is to find a job,
to get a pay cheque again!
Something that will make the fight with IQT and the trustee bearable!

I am SO much stronger now than I was 2 years ago!
This is a situation that could very well have affected my ability to function!
I would have coiled up, cried, given up!
Instead, I was proactive,
more I was ACTIVE in doing what I HAVE to do!

I often doubt my strength!
I know I shouldn't,
I know, especially now, that I am a very powerful force when it comes down to it!

I'm going to my job interview on Monday,
its a customer service based job,
one that some would consider menial,
but I know its one I will excel at!
My ideal job?
HELL NO!
But it will help pay bills!

I refused to allow this to knock me down!
I was telling those crying,
"this door closed, clear your eyes, look at the door that opened!"

I can't believe how calm I've been in all this!
I'm proud of me!
It's been such a difficult journey to get me here!

durhamregion.com had an article about what happened to us.
To read it, click
HERE

Also, a youtube video someone made...
HERE

A Montreal news paper, as IQT had 2 offices in Montreal!
HERE

On to my next chapter...

Where's the Humour?

Here I sit, it's July!!
Where the hell did the year go?

I didn't write in June at all.
I've been pretty busy lately with work.
An excuse, for sure, but a valid one!
So June was an interesting month for me...
Father's Day.
I chose not to call my father.


See,
my father had this running "joke" all through my childhood.
Sadly, it was a joke that only he found funny,
especially as I got older.

My cousin Natalie is considerably younger than me.
She's the daughter of my Dad's youngest brother Gordie.
When Natalie was little... 2-4 ish... I was around 10-12ish.
(TOTAL guess on ages!)

It was brought to everyone's attention how much Natalie looked like me when I was little.
Identical in fact!

So my father chose to start the stupid rumour or joke,
that when he was at work my Mom & Uncle were having an affair.
Why else would Natalie look so much like me?
He continued to make comments to that effect my whole life.
To the extent that when my Uncle passed,
my father called me to tell me...
"your father died"
SO SO SO FUNNY!!
I fail to find the humour in this... maybe I'm too close to the situation!

So since clearly my father died a few years ago,
I don't need to call him on Father's Day, or his birthday for that matter.

I had a talk with my sister this past week.
She & Dad had apparently talked this past week...

He asked her what was up with me,
complained that I didn't call him on Father's Day,
so apparently he's noticed my absence.
Why do people do that?
If you want to know why I'm not talking to you,
ASK ME!!
Don't ask someone else,
what a horrible position to put the other person in!

It really doesn't matter, he won't ask me why I haven't called or anything,
and I know for certain its because he KNOWS he won't like the answer.
I would tell him,
and as much as it would hurt him,
that's not why I'd tell him.
However its why I'm not calling him to tell him.
I don't want it to be for the WRONG reasons.
But if he calls, then gloves off,
truth WILL come out!

I don't fear him being mad at me,
because I've accepted that it doesn't matter what I do or say.
I'm wrong, I will never be right,
I will never make the right decisions by him.
I said to my sister that he doesn't care that I'm upset with him,
or care that I'm hurting.
He only cares about himself.
So why is it wrong that I've decided I no longer care how he feels?

My sister said she's worried about how my decision to cut him out of my life will affect me when he passes away.
I genuinely don't know...
but the funny part,
the BEST part...
right now,
I don't care!

I have lived the first 40 years of my life in anger,
in fear,
never feeling good enough!

I think I deserve to keep away from those that will hurt me.
Be it physically, emotionally, mentally,
I've made the decision to make my life from this point forward about me!!

Yes, I still cry for the father I know I will never have.
To be honest,
when he does pass away,
that will be what I mourn most!

But you can't really miss something you've never had,
can you?

(yay!! I wrote this without a single tear!)

Forgiveness

Someone asked me last week if I'd forgiven my father
for all he's done to me,
for all he's allowed to be done to me.

My answer was no.
Still is actually.

That question has forced me to ask myself why!
I have forgiven my ex for his part in our relationship
and the inevitable demise of it.
I have forgiven others for betraying trust,
for breaking my heart,
for saying hurtful things!
I've forgiven my mother for so many things over the years!
My sister & I have not always been as close as we are now.
To get to the relationship we have now, we had to forgive each other many things!

So tell me...
why can't I forgive my father?
My only logical answer to that is he's never asked for it.
He at no point apologized for the way he treats us.
He at no point has told me he loved me.
So how can I forgive?

I realize that forgiveness is for oneself,
and not the one in need of forgiving.

I just can't do it!

My mom has said & done some pretty stupid,
immature things throughout the course of our relationship.
We got past it by talking about it,
by apologizing,
and by forgiving.
By reminding the other of our love.

Same with my sister & friends.
We communicate.

I can't talk to my father,
I can't tell him what he's done.
I can't ask him to apologize,
so I can't forgive him.

I realize that when he's passed away,
I will, in the solitude of my room,
through my own unique mourning process,
speak with my father.
In that time I will ensure that he knows what he's done to me.
How he's made me feel.
I know his passing will be difficult.
Probably more so because I can't forgive him.
Mostly, however, because he will never REALLY know.


Does anyone have suggestions?
Suggestions on how to forgive someone something that,
no matter how you try,
you can't let go of?

I think I'm supposed to be able to let go of the abuse,
to let the hurt go.
But I just can't!
I guess I feel like if I do that it will invalidate what really happened!
I know. without a doubt,
that this is one scenario where I do not have to apologize.

Wikipedia describes forgiveness as
the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

I don't feel resentment, more hurt & anger.
I don't know that I'm seeking punishment or restitution,
I don't know what it is,
where I'm at.
I know I feel powerless.
I suppose forgiveness,
if I can find it
will free me of that feeling!

I think I'm not religious enough for that kind of forgiveness.

A-Ha Again!

A-HA Moment!!

Today I read the most profound statement,
it kind of goes with my decision to not have my father in my life.
To not pretend with my step mother.

"Hanging on to someone in your life who isn't adding value isn't loyalty -
its stupidity."

What an enlightening idea.
I have no clue where the quote originated from,
I just know that the very second I read it,
I related!
No mater the relationship,
no matter the person,
if they aren't adding value to my life,
see ya!

Toxic people,
people who don't nurture my soul,
people who don't bring to me as much as I give to them,
I don't need you!

Dad,
Sharon,
friends who think they can drain my emotions.

No drama,
no fuss,
no toxins in my life.

Small

Its a week after Mother's day,
and I must say the day itself was emotional & eye opening!
I spent the week leading up to Mother's Day creating & uploading a video to youtube.
A Tribute.
For my Mom, I miss her SO much!
It was emotional, full of memories.
Full of love!
I realized as I was creating this video how beautiful my mom was!
Amazing, I spent a majority of my life
cringing when someone said,
"you look like your mom",
arguing that I did NOT look anything like HER!!
Yet, the day after she died,
someone told me that I had her eyes...
I cried & said Thank You!
Funny how quickly that changed!
The video struck the hearts of those I wanted it to.
Even people I wasn't expecting!
The song choices fitting...
at least in my opinion anyway!

So, for the day itself, a small gathering with my sister,
my half brother, & me...
My Brother's wife just had a baby,
was the first time I got to meet the newest angel!
She's BEAUTIFUL!
(of course!)

Anyway, through the course of conversation,
it came up that my brother doesn't appreciate
or like when my sister & I start "bashing"
our step mother.
Especially in his presence.

Fact is,
she was my primary abuser,
she abused my older sister Pam,
developmentally handicapped,
non verbal,
furthest thing from a misbehaving child!
She abused us, not just spanked, but beat us,
with her hands, her fists, with extension chords,
with belts, with whatever she could get her hands on.
So, in my opinion,
I'm entitled to say things, no matter how negative,
about her!
I have avoided saying things about Sharon in front of my brother.
Out of respect to him...
Anyway,
On Mother's Day, he told my sister & I to refrain from
attacking Sharon around him.
That if we have issues with her, or don't like her,
why keep talking to her?
Why call her on her Birthday,
on Mother's Day?

Valid point...
DONE!
She was my primary abuser,
she was the reason my childhood & adolescence was lived in fear!
I've managed to not talk to my own father since Christmas,
does he REALLY think not talking to Sharon will be difficult?

Yes they are my parents,
I realize we all make mistakes as parents.
But the lack of an apology from them
indicates to me that they feel no mistake or errors were made on their part.
In fact is they damaged us!
Specifically
my older sister Pam,
my step brother Craig, to whom I don't speak,
and Me.
So, I will continue to not bad mouth Sharon in front of my brother,
however, to ensure I respect my brother's request,
I will no longer call his mother on her birthday or Mother's day.
EASY!
When she passes I will go to her funeral ONLY to support him,
for HIS loss,
because much like I wasn't hers to love,
she's not mine to mourn!

I realize that we all damage our kids to some extent.
I know we all make mistakes.
But I have a right to choose,
due to the hurt & damage done to me,
not to have them as a part of my life.

My brother may be able to get past or forgive for his truth.


I guess I'm just not that big a person.

Moments

I'm pretty sure I've said in the past that some days song lyrics might be the only thing I post...

This is one of those days!
itunes on shuffle,
This song comes on,
I love it!
I feel some of the lyrics so strongly!
I've had My Moments!

Moments
Emerson Drive

I was coming to the end of a long long walk
When a man crawled out of a cardboard box
Under the E. Street Bridge
Followed me on to it
I went out halfway across
With that homeless shadow tagging along
So I dug for some change
Wouldn't need it anyway
He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed
He said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that plane ride coming home from the war
That summer my son was born
And memories like a coat so warm
A cold wind can't get through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I stood there tryin' to find my nerve
Wondering if a single soul on Earth
Would care at all
Miss me when I'm gone
That old man just kept hanging around
Lookin' at me, lookin' down
I think he recognized
That look in my eyes
Standing with him there I felt ashamed
I said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like the day I walked away from the wine
For a woman who became my wife
And a love that, when it was right,
Could always see me through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I know somewhere 'round a trashcan fire tonight
That old man tells his story one more time
He says

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I've had my moments
I've had my moments

Father Rainey

Coming from a large family,
you already have to compete with your siblings for attention.
Now,
imagine for a minute that the only attention you got was negative!
Was a verbal attack,
a physical attack.

My step mother's favorite thing to do was grab me by my throat.
that was fun just after I had my tonsils removed.
Tasted blood for days,
couldn't talk,
perhaps that's what she wanted!

The names ranged from fat, stupid, useless, idiot,
to some more colourful, profane adjectives.

How is a young girl hearing those things on an ongoing basis
supposed to survive?
How is she supposed to come out of that home & not be broken?
How does she go on to become a mom & in turn NOT do the same to her children.
How does she not grow up to be a very angry person?
I spent 19 years in a relationship that angered me.

I ended my marriage,
but the anger didn't go away!
I was still so angry,
all the time,
at every little thing!
Of course I wouldn't show the anger to the majority of people that knew me.
A well kept secret.
My sister asked me why I was still so angry at my ex.
It was then that I stopped and gave thought, reflected.

I wasn't mad at him,
I was mad at me for staying so long.
Once I let go of THAT anger
it freed me up to look at the other areas of my life
where anger consumed me.
Dad!
I see my step mother maybe once a year,
I put on a fake smile,
pretend I give a shit,
pretend like she gives a shit,
and go on...
With my dad,
I can't do it!
I can't pretend with him!

I will admit that not talking to him at all has freed me of a lot of anger.
Its really only when I see him or speak to him that I get angry.
I do lash out when I'm angry,
sadly its misdirected anger.

My kids can tell when I've spoke to my father,
I yell,
my mood changes instantly.
I was feeling bad for not talking to my father,
I don't know if my sisters intention was to make me feel bad,
but I did.
But I'm taking that back!
Why should I talk to him if its only going to hurt me or cause me anger?
I can choose to live a life without anger!
Sadly,
that may include a life without my father.

I was watching TV this weekend,
there were some wonderful father/daughter relationships.

I cry when I see these,
where a girl says her Dad is her hero,
he's the best,
or he hugs her & kisses her & tells her he loves her.
Its genuine, I can tell,
because my relationship is strained at best!
I cry,
not because I'm happy for them,
but sad for me.
Sad for what I'm lacking!

I remember in high school, latching onto male teachers,
male guidance counselors,
to look to them for the support I so desperately needed.
Thankfully, I had an amazing guidance counselor.
A priest!
Father Rainey.
I do often wonder where he is, how he is!
I mean without him, I wouldn't have survived!

I was completely oblivious to the fact that
the guidance office was there to assist you with your
post secondary education!

He listened,
he supported me,
he helped me.
I spent HOURS in his office.
Unloading,
trying so hard to get a grown up to listen!
He did that!
Not only did he listen,
he believed me!
He even assisted me with finding group homes,
setting up appointments,
to get myself out of my parent's home.
To get myself the help I so desperately needed!
One day,
things at home erupted,
I ended up blurting out to my step mother
mid beating that I was doing this,
looking for a group home.
The look on her face was amazing!
Shock...

My dad was in the living room while I was getting my beating,
EPIC FAIL!

He asked me what the hell I was doing.
So I told him,
explained that my guidance office was aware of everything going on at home.
To say he was livid would be a vast understatement.
I got the cold shoulder,
not only from her, but him as well.
When he did speak to me it was only to attack me verbally.

He even told me to tell the group homes,
when I go to talk to them,
that when they ask where he is in all the abuse,
to tell them that my dad is dead,
I killed him by stabbing him in the back.

So I chickened out of leaving home.
Only to get kicked out just after my 17th birthday.

No apology has ever been given.
Its my fault,
if you ask my father about the events leading up to me being kicked out,
he'll tell you it was my fault.
I think he's right,
it is my fault,
I should have followed through with the group homes.
I should have put me first back then.

Strength

Going back to my "Filling My Well" blog entry,
I look at the rather lengthy list of adjectives & I think,
WOW...
that person sounds like a good person...
49 wonderful characteristics,
49 beautiful things!
22nd on the list is strong.
I know I'm strong,
I feel it.
I mean a weak person would have given up,
would have stayed in an unhappy marriage.
I chose to do the hard thing,
I chose to pick me over everything else.
By choosing the path I did,
I fell apart.
I suppose you could say I hit bottom...
I know that my bottom is very different than someone else's bottom.
Just as my truth is different than anyone else's.
I had to be strong in the moment that I decided to end my marriage.
I'm proud of me for doing so!
I spoke to some friends that have known how unhappy I was for a long time.
They're not surprised that I ended my marriage,
more that it took me so long to do it!
So here I sit now,
on the other side of depression,
feeling like I've hit my own personal bottom,
of course I'm well past that point now.
But I've seen bottom.
I lost a lot I think in that,
Humility, gone.
Pride, gone.
Self-worth, gone.
The thing is though,
in the midst of losing all that,
I somehow found myself.
Oddly enough,
its not at all the me I thought I was in the beginning of it all.
Its a much better,
smarter,
happier me!
I have a contentment in myself that I didn't have a year and a half ago!
I know without doubt that as each day passes,
I learn more about me,
I see the growth within me.
I feel it!
I am strong,
I know that I may not be the strongest person,
but I'm stronger than I was before!
And I think that's something amazing,
I'm kinda proud of me for it too!
It helps that I do have some friends,
very important to me that tell me they're proud of me.
For surviving all I've survived,
for taking the time to do the work,
for making me my number 1 priority!

The dictionary defines the word strength as;

moral power, firmness, or courage
power of resisting force, strain, wear

I don't know that I'm courageous or powerful,
I am me!
Learning to accept me as enough.
Or trying to anyway!

My Truth

Today I don't feel broken.
Its been a pretty good day today.
I've seen a good, positive version of me today!
Yesterday a good friend of mine called me & we got to catch up,
I got to talk to her about some of what I'm dealing with regarding my dad.
I told her that I've been REALLY struggling with a lot of nightmares or bad dreams lately.
One commonality in them is my father.
Some are of him berating me,
a verbal attack,
more of the same of what I've grown up with,
of what I've tolerated my whole life.
Some are of a huge falling out with the family because of my father & me.
My sister & I were fighting in these dreams,
(we're actually VERY close, and she's been supportive of me)
Not just one dream, not just once,
but several dreams,
several nights.
One day this past week my sister called me,
asked me if I'd spoke to dad at all.
I simply replied,
"No, my phone rings too!"
He hasn't called me,
he knows what I've been working through,
(depression only, no details of the things that my therapy & growth have brought up)
I'm not going out of my way to contact him.
We haven't spoke since Christmas,
with the exception of my sons birthday in January,
there have been no phone calls!

I felt like she was disappointed that I hadn't called him,
I realize he lost his job,
and I know how that's likely affected my workaholic father.
I know depression VERY well.

One thing my girlfriend said yesterday, was a quote from Ashley Judd,
who apparently has a book talking of her childhood & abuse she's endured.
She said...
"this is my truth, every person in the family has their own truth"
Its true,
this is MY truth!
My siblings don't remember a lot of the things I do,
the cost of being the eldest I suppose!
My truth is I don't feel the need or want to have a relationship with my father.
Not the father I have & know now anyway!
I was broken,
for a very long time I've been broken!
I'm not broken now,
perhaps I should thank my father & step mother for breaking me!
Because its when I stopped to pick up all the pieces that I really found me!

To Clarify...

It was brought to my attention that it wasn't clear that my last post,
Letter to Dad,
wasn't actually meant for my father to read.
I assure you,
that my father will not read this letter unless one of my siblings decides to share it with him,
which I'm fairly confident will not happen!
So that letter was simply for my own cathartic purposes.
An outlet for me to say what I need to say to him!
Perhaps one day,
upon his passing,
I'll print out a copy,
bury it with him.

I know the emotional & mental damage that he has given me,
his legacy!
I feel the effects of that everyday!
I'm supposed to be able to find a way within me to nurture the little girl
that he & my step mother damaged.
I'm just not certain how!
Okay, so looking back at me filling my well,
I know many positive things about me to be true.
I've been told as much by many others.
I've been told that I'm strong,
that I'm brave,
that I'm smart.
But how do I teach myself to believe it?
How do I give myself this positive affirmation?
I'm 40 and am so insecure.
I give this false air of confidence, of a strong woman.
I've had many people tell me that they were afraid to meet me,
to get to know me,
because I come across as scary.
I am, in truth,
a kitten.
I wouldn't hurt a fly if I could avoid it!
I am the biggest cry baby.
I hurt if someone doesn't like me!
I don't have the thick skin that others seem to think I posses.
So I need to toughen up, or do I?
Perhaps I'm meant to be soft!
I mean I am a survivor of abuse.
Physical, verbal,
mental, emotional.
Perhaps I'm soft because of those abuses.
Perhaps if I hardened due to my abuse,
I wouldn't be the woman I am today!?
(See, optimism at its finest!)
I smile a lot,
a huge, entire face consuming smile!
I hate it!
Perhaps because I know the truth behind that smile!
Sometimes I wish I was safe to tell my father the damage he's done.
Sadly, I know it would fall on deaf ears.
And I know all too well his reply.
I know the hurt and damage that would result in.
I'm certain many would say I don't need to have or maintain a relationship with him.
And the truth is, for the most part, I don't.
I do long for what I believe to be a healthy father/daughter relationship.
But that's just setting me up for disappointment!
I need to learn to give up that dream!
I need someone with all the answers!

I so wish he died first...
I miss my mom!
I know that's evil to say!
But I don't feel bad for feeling that way,
and I'm certain one day I will,
but for now,
it is what it is!

My soul search for personal growth continues!
I do wonder how different I'd be had I been raised by my mom!

Letter to Dad...

Dad,

I don't really know where to start,
what to say,
or even how to say some of what I feel I need to say to you!
Allow me to start by saying,
I am NOT sorry for what I have to say.
I am sorry however for allowing so much of it to affect my life to the extent it has!

I have struggled greatly with my own self esteem, body image & my very being because of the way I was treated as you raised me!
So many of the things you've said to me, called me,
have left scars that I don't think you will ever truly comprehend!
You've seemed to do so with tones of sarcasm,
so as to make everyone feel you were joking,
but here's the thing, there is a little truth to every joke and if you hear something often enough then you'll believe it!

Children learn what they live dad!

You are supposed to be the role model for men in my life,
you're the one who set the bar,
the bar that all men are to meet in my life.
Yet, I watched you physically abuse my step mother, as you did my mother before her.
I watched you physically abuse my step brother.
I myself have experienced the physical pain of your rage.
I have VIVID memories of the physical abuses I've endured!
I cry just thinking about them!
HOW do adults think its okay to do this to children?
I'm 40 and don't think that I should be haunted by these memories!!

I am however, surprised at the amount of mental & psychological damage I live with due to the seemingly countless episodes of verbal/mental abuse!
I don't know that I will ever be able to get over being called fat, thunder thighs, hungry hippo or whatever other names you felt appropriate to call me!
I don't think you knew how much it hurt to have you say that the only way I ever finished a cross country race in school was to have you stand at the finish line & yell lunch!
I ran cross country & track because I enjoyed it, I was good at it too!
You made it so I was not comfortable running, so I wouldn't try.
You made me feel that I wasn't any good at it!
And calling me the names on top of that made me feel that I was fat anyway so why bother?! What I know now as an adult, is that I was NOT fat back then!
I was a normal HEALTHY young lady who's body was developing,
I had curves in all the right places!
I was FIT!
As a developing young woman I was already full of insecurities & self doubt,
I already had a low self esteem,
then to have my FATHER & step mother,
those responsible for my growth & development be the ones to rip me down,
to ensure I struggled and searched for love, acceptance, affection & attention from others!
I sit here now, a very lost, depressed, insecure morbidly obese 40 year old woman!
How much of that has stemmed from my childhood?
How much of my current situation is because of the very deep emotional scars left by you?

Why is it that anytime I think of you, dealing with you, thinking about having to talk to you, or even about past conversations I get scared?
I'm nervous at the prospect of dealing with you!
WHY?
Why is it that the father I want you to be, the father I need, you're not him?

My psychiatrist, who I thought was a nut job himself when I first started seeing him.
Has helped me see things in a different light.
He asked me, would you go to Canadian Tire to purchase a burger?
Of course my answer was no!
He likened what it is I want from you to that,
I keep going back to Canadian Tire asking them to make me a burger!
No matter how many times I go there asking them to do it they just won't!
I keep looking to you to be this person you aren't,
you aren't capable of being!
So WHY, dear god WHY, do I keep looking to you for it?
Why am I so desperate to have a relationship with someone who makes me feel stupid,
who makes me feel inferior?
I don't know the reason for it.
I've recently come to accept that its not just me that you're not this father to.
It's all of us!
Yet for some reason, I'm the only one who STILL gets treated this way!
I know you had a hard childhood yourself,
and I'm certain somewhere in your rationale,
you tell yourself that "at least they didn't have it as bad as I did!"
Dad, I'm here to tell you that you failed me consistently throughout my life,
and continue to do so!
I need to expect for you to consistently disappoint me.
I need to know that you will never admit your wrongs.
Yes Dad, you've been wrong!
Why is it, if for whatever reason,
I challenge your views or opinions, I'm an idiot?
Why am I the one that's wrong?

I don't ever expect you to apologize.
I don't ever expect you to tell me you love me.
I don't ever expect to have you make me feel special to you.
You're my father,
a girl is supposed to be protected by her dad!
You not only didn't protect me, but you yourself,
broke me!

I read this following quote from one of my favorite books...

ALL PARENTS DAMAGE their children.
It cannot be helped.
Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers.
Some parents smudge, other crack,
a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces beyond repair.

I would say you shattered mine!
I'm sure that you, and quite possibly others would say you only cracked...
But to me the only abuse I didn't endure at your hand was incest!
That's a VERY sad statement!

I've learned that you have an empty well.
I'm working on accepting that.
The real test will be when I have to interact with you again.
I'm hoping its not until Christmas again.
Part of me REALLY wants to tell you how I'm feeling,
to let you know how you've failed me, and how you continue to do so!
But I'm afraid that if I did so it would simply be to hurt you,
because I know deep down you just wouldn't get it.
Perhaps you just won't care!
But I feel that at this point,
the only thing I can do for me is let this go.
To let go of any dreams I have for you.

I know one day I'll regret many things,
but I can't have you be one of them!
After all, I am who I am now because of you & Sharon!
I'm this strong survivor because of your failures!

I love you Dad,
I'm just so sorry that's not enough for either of us!

Your Daughter,
Tracy

Back to Living!

Okay, so life takes many twists and turns.
What I wasn't expecting was the recent turn my life took!
I had it in my head that I was going to go back to school,
to obtain my LONG overdue high school diploma!

That's changed!
I applied for a job last Friday,
got a phone call & completed my phone interview on Monday,
had an interview on Tuesday,
where I had the interviewer compliment me numerous times,
saying she could tell that I knew my stuff,
that I was no one's dummy.
I was called a superstar!
Now I'm not a kid,
I know that she probably uses phrases like that a lot in the interview process.
However,
today when she called me to tell me I indeed did have the job,
and would be starting on April 11th.
She also said to me that it was by far the best interview she'd ever been a part of!
I thanked her, she said no, it was her pleasure!

I lack a piece of paper,
I know that!
But I also know I have skills.
Serious skills that can't be taught in a classroom setting!
I am very proud of myself, that in less than a week I obtained employment with one resume!

The decision wasn't difficult either!
I needed to take control of my life.
I felt like I was sitting on the sidelines watching,
falling into yet another depression waiting for life to happen!
I'm 40, I'm NOT dumb!
I am a literate, intelligent, skilled woman!
And that can't be faked!

The interviewer herself told me in interview that she would be surprised if I was still in the same position in 6 months, and that in 5 years she fully expects to see me in upper management!
Its nice to know that others see me in this way.

I felt as though I've been faking it for so long.
Now, I know who I am, SO SO SO much more than I did over a year ago!
And I know that a lack of a diploma, does not define me!
Yes, I have to work to show people that,
but really, they don't know unless I tell them!

I am unbelievably happy & excited.
Happy I took control.
Excited about a new chapter!
Excited to be living again!

Filling My Well

Today I read every blog entry on here.
I mean I always read back once I post it,
and typically I read it out loud and cry.
Reading it out loud is very cathartic for me,
its like putting it out into the universe for everyone to hear.
Perhaps that's why I've chosen this method of blogging as opposed to a personal online journal!
Putting it out into the universe is like a release for me!

So with reading everything back,
something occurred to me.
I did something to attempt to fill my empty well for myself last summer,
after I'd finished dating my toxic friend.
I had written out a page of affirmations for myself.

It took some searching to find it, but I located it,
going to share it here.
Its going to sound a lot like that little girl standing in front of her mirror saying I love this... I love that... but not quite!

I titled it,

What I know to be true about me.

loyal friend
good mother
loving
caring
young at heart
boisterous
affectionate
empathetic
positive
optimistic
generous
tender
honest
sincere
selfless
kind
intelligent
funny
trusting
trustful
confident
strong
calm
musical
artistic
appreciative
excellent aunt
family oriented
sensitive
silly
humourous
emotional
admirable
leader
powerful
deserving
friendly
outgoing
thoughtful
spiritual
tender
open
respectful
straight forward
forgiving
adventurous
insightful
expressive

SURVIVOR!
I am a survivor,
I've survived a lot,
yet I still posses these characteristics!
Perhaps because of my difficult life, not in spite of it,
I posses these characteristics!

I bring all of this to my relationships & friendships.
I should expect the same from others!

I need to read this list more often!
I need to believe these things to be true every day!
I know, logically, I posses these characteristics daily,
yet I struggle to find them some days.

I imagine some day in the future,
I'll sit down to read my blog and come across this one.
When that day comes I hope I can see how far I've come.
I hope I can dip into my own full well for any self assurance,
self acceptance, love, kindness that I seek.
One day!

Walking Away

I did something this week that I should have done in September.
I severed ties with someone who was & is really toxic for me.
I dated him, if you can call it that,
for a couple months.
He was extremely emotionally abusive,
even after the relationship ended he continued to verbally attack my character,
attempted to attack my emotional well being.
The sad part is I was allowing him to do so!
I've deleted & blocked him from my contacts so he can't contact me online.
Sadly he knows where I live, he knows my phone numbers.
I will ignore any attempts by him in the future to contact me.
It occurs to me, and of course this isn't news to the rest of the world,
but it occurs to me that so long as I allow him to talk to me the way he does, so long as I allow him to continue his cycle of abuse, he will continue to do so!
Now I've done my part.
I know why I've allowed it so long, I'm afraid of rejection!
No one likes rejection,
but for some stupid reason I feel its okay to be treated as a second class citizen by someone so that they won't reject me.
I need to stand up for me!
I need to know & believe that I do not deserve to be treated poorly or attacked by anyone!
This is harder than you would think or expect!
I mean I've been taught my whole life that I wasn't good enough!
I've been verbally attacked my whole life,
this is an incredibly difficult cycle to break!
I'm doing it!

I know that people will treat me the way I allow them to.
So, I've not spoke to my father since Christmas,
its odd really, no falling out, no argument,
I think he can sense that I don't want him in my life!
I mean a lot has gone on his life since then,
and previously, he would have called me to unload.
He's called both my sister & brother & told them, but me...
not a thing!
This is not a complaint, don't get me wrong.
I think that the beginning of laying boundaries in my life will be easier with the distance.

I've spent so much of my life with the impression that if someone was mad at me
they attacked me, both verbally and physically.
I broke the physical abuse cycle a while ago.
I think the mental & verbal abuse is a little more difficult to stop.
It means that if someone is doing that to me,
I need to be able to tell them to stop, or walk away!
Walking away is where the true challenge is for me.
I suppose the need to be liked, accepted, or valued is too strong in me,
I realize that these are things I should be able to provide for myself,
but having not been given the tools to do this, makes it difficult.
It has made this period of self discovery that much more important!

I had a conversation with my sister the other day about this very topic.
I expressed a concern that because these are skills I've not been given or taught,
that I, in turn,
am failing to provide my children with these tools.
She assured me that I am doing everything to teach them.
They're aware of the work I'm doing to improve myself,
to grow emotionally & psychologically.
I don't stroke my own ego very well,
but I do consider myself a good mother.
Of course I had to make some BIG mistakes raising my first born to feel that I'm better for my younger two!
I think that realizing & accepting & apologizing for those mistakes helped greatly!

I walked away this week...
I can't live my life with this person constantly attacking me!
He would attack and I would give in and play the game.
All the while I'm getting hurt.
So, why play if it hurts?

Next up...
Dad!

Empty Wells

Okay,
so Marie Osmond gave me that absolutely BRILLIANT A-Ha moment,
truly one I will carry with me for the remainder of my days.
But one question...
How do I find self worth?
How do I build it up?
How do I believe I'm special, wonderful, worthy, if I don't have a base or foundation for it?
How do I create something I have no knowledge of?
I am more than capable of building up confidence in others,
in feeding the egos & self esteem of those closest to me.
I'm good at it too!
So why is it that I'm so incapable of doing so for myself?
Logically, I know I need to make me a priority to myself.
I know that I need to take time for me everyday,
doing things to build my self esteem,
to help me know that I'm worth it,
that I deserve better.
That I deserve to be happy.
I've gotten good at looking back at my life,
such as it is,
and see the patterns of abuse.
I can see the common threads that link my past abusers.
I can see how,
the way I was treated as a child has me conditioned to choose people in my life that aren't able to give me all that I need.

I recently watched an interview with Meridith Baxter,
an actress (Family Ties) who is now an author.
Anyway, this interview was SO helpful for me!
She shared something that had been told to her at a 12-step meeting.

"As children,
we are wired to go to our parents for sustenance,
love and to be nurtured,
its like going to the well.
But some parents wells are empty,
they're not empty at us,
they're just empty."

I realize after hearing this that my father's well is empty, and its not just empty for me, its empty to whoever goes to that well looking for love.
Could be why he's in his 60's & single!

But I can see a trend or pattern of gravitating towards people who's wells aren't full!
Yet my well is empty, not for others, but for myself.
My parents never taught me the importance of being me, of making myself a priority,
so here I am, as much as I want to believe I'm "unbroken",
I'm broken!
I need to learn how to fix me!
So my plan is to work on the little things,
maybe a proper bed time,
no more late nights.
A schedule of sorts,
a daily to-do list!
Perhaps that will force me to make myself a priority!
I'm tired,
of feeling less than everyone else.
I can't wait to start the next phase of my life, the education process.
I know that chapter will aide me in my self confidence,
in filling my own well.
I'm tired of feeling sad!

Something Special

I've been in group therapy since October of 2010.
I've mentioned this group before,
we're all survivors of abuse.
I will state that there seems to be a commonality among the women,
that the abuse we endured as children lead us to then go on to marriages of the same caliber!

I have a very high pain tolerance.
I really do,
I can take a shot from the biggest of men,
in fact, I'd go blow for blow with a full grown man,
and have for that matter!

I remember one instance when I was in grade 8, so that's what?
13?
I had an older teenage boy kick the shit out of me,
and I mean KICK!!
Running kicks, round houses, the whole works!
Not sure why, it was a matter of he said she said shit, but I stood there & took it.
Didn't shed a tear, just stood, I refused to fall!
When he was done & took off I started to walk home, and in turn, started to bawl my eyes out!
I stopped crying before getting home, can't risk someone there finding out what was happening outside, or I'd never be allowed out!
I learned that day that I don't bruise easily!

Anyway, back to my story...
Actually, its all my story!

I was seriously physically abused growing up, primarily by my step mother,
also by my father.
But my deepest scars, biggest bruises,
they come from the emotional & mental abuse I've endured!

My marriage was abusive.
Physically, emotionally, mentally.
(I'm not completely innocent in all this)
Again, the biggest scars & bruises come from the emotional & mental!

I struggle greatly with my self confidence as a result of this!

Today was the second last session for my group.
I am very afraid of being therapy free.

Wait, does my psychiatrist count as therapy?
Yeah, of course he does!
So, we're going from weekly therapy to monthly!
I can handle that!

Today in group we were forced to look at our trauma's in a different light.
What have we gained from our trauma's?
What positives, negatives, how its changed us.
What got us through those hard times...
Many different things.

I've been spending a life time questioning these very things!
Truthfully, the past year & half of my life, its been my full time job!
I am a VERY self aware person!
I am aware of my downfalls,
I am also brutally aware of my many shining attributes!

I am aware of how strong I am because of what I've endured.
I also have been a TRUE optimist since as far back as I remember!
I remember hearing things like
"that which does not kill you makes you stronger"
and taking it to heart!
Much like my Marie Osmond A-Ha moment,
my life is full of them!
I've been a very eager sponge absorbing everything I needed to cope!
I've surrounded myself with people that validated me, empathized with me.
Didn't feel sorry for me, but empathized!
I was also very fortunate to have people guide me,
try to help me.
And I clung to that little optimistic girl!
I do so love my rose coloured glasses!

I know that without a doubt, my natural, god given gift of optimism is why and how I've survived 40 years!
It is what has left my eyes & soul open to the abundance of A-Ha moments that hit me.
it is what has left me open to listen to music, to lyric and not just hear them, but feel them!
I've lived a hard life,
and with each difficulty I learned!
I remember thinking as my parents would beat or berate one of us,
I swear I will NEVER do this to my kids...
Now I'm not naive, I know we all say that,
but I don't do it to mine!
I don't hit or insult or attack my kids.
I do my best to support them, to help them.
Give them responsibilities & consequences,
give them boundaries.
They in turn, become stronger, healthier people.
I will always strive to be the parent I failed to have,
I've failed at times,
but I've admitted my failures to my children, and most importantly to myself!

I'm always going to grow, going to learn, its inevitable!

I know next week will be challenging walking away from these women!
I will miss them greatly,
probably not individually I'll admit.
But the group as a whole,
we've grown together,
I think that's something special!

Thinking

I see my psychiatrist once a month,
my first meeting with him I didn't like him, he seemed a lot like a glorified drug dealer!
Now, I love going to see him, I love talking to him!
Every visit, and I mean EVERY visit, he tells me I'm a very smart woman, not just once, but several times in one session.
I believe a bulk of that comes from how self aware I am,
which is a direct result of me taking this past year & a half to fix me mentally.
My wonderful boyfriend, is so good for me, he is doing his best to help my fragile self esteem, not an easy task I'll tell you that much!
I have to find something in me to help me believe that I deserve better!
Okay, the decision to get my high school diploma is a part of that, definitely!
I know that getting my diploma will give me a renewed sense of pride & make me feel that yes, I am smart!
I have EVERY intention of learning to drive this year.
I know, 40 & I don't know how to drive!
I know that learning to drive will give me a new sense of freedom & independence that I've never had!
What I seem to be struggling with greatly, is my weight.
I know why I'm fat.
Yes fat...
its an adjective, a descriptive word.
Describes my body type...
the dictionary describes fat as abundant, plentiful, having too much flabby tissue.
All of that is accurate, so for lack of a better word, and so everyone understands it, I'm fat.
I'm fat because I've been told that my whole life.
Even when I was a very average teenage girl, running track & field,
running cross country,
being an active kid,
I was still called fat,
thunder thighs,
hungry hippo.
So when I think back to when I was called those names I think to how it made me feel.
It made me feel like I wasn't good enough,
like I was bad,
like I was ugly,
like I was useless.
Yet when I looked in the dictionary, none of those words were there!
So WHY can't I get over the past?
Why can't I get passed these names?
Why is it I believe that I'm just this fat person?
I know underneath my weight I'm an average framed woman with a very pretty face.
I love hearing that,
"you have such a pretty face"
or
"you'd be so pretty if you'd only lose weight"
ARGH!
I'm frustrated!
I want to lose weight,
I really do!
I'm tired of my weight being the excuse for everything!
I watch the show The Biggest Loser,
I find the stories so inspirational,
but when they get to the heart of each persons weight gain,
there's a story, I can relate to that,
but how do I let go of my story?
How do I get to believe I deserve to be healthier?
How do I get in the mindset that I am a priority?
Too many questions that I don't yet know the answers to!
I have grown this past year & a half,
personal growth, self awareness,
everything is really just a different way of looking at things.
A different perspective or view point.
Not a huge deal, but I had to be open to the process.
I had to evaluate everything myself.
So I need to find a new way of thinking when it comes to my weight,
to exercise and to my eating habits!
I feel like Winnie the Pooh...
think, think, think...

Happiness Doesn't Just Happen!

Something occurred to me today,
I remembered when I first started counseling over a year ago.
I remember telling my counselor that I was afraid that at the end of this,
(meaning the depression)
I wouldn't be the same me I was before it!
I wanted the old me back.

Today it occurred to me that I couldn't be more different than the me I was prior to the depression!
The funniest thing is, I'm so much happier with who I am!
I do believe that everything happens for a reason,
whatever the ultimate outcome,
everything happens to teach us!
To aid us in becoming a better version of us!
And while I'm no longer in counseling, I do continue to grow & learn everyday.
I learn about me every single day of my life now!
I want better for myself now, and expect better of me!
Now, when I reflect back at various parts of my life,
I realize that the reason I was so angry was because I wasn't happy
but didn't feel safe enough to admit it to myself.
So now, here I am in a relationship that is
calm,
kind,
loving,
good for me,
and I'm battling my inner saboteur!
How do I not sabotage my relationship,
my happiness?
I don't know how to be happy!
See, this new me is smarter too!
I need to keep reminding myself that I want happiness, and I have to work at it!
It doesn't just happen!
I love me now!

Not so sure I could have said that at any other point in my life,
well, not honestly anyway!

One Stupid Wednesday

You died on a Wednesday.
An ordinary, sunny, autumn Wednesday.
Ironically, I was born on a Wednesday.
But THIS

Wednesday was a sad, horrible, life altering Wednesday for me!
I wish I knew before that Wednesday how amazing you were!
I wish I knew exactly what I had to lose before that Wednesday!
I suppose we all take our mom's for granted!
God knows I did!
I remember, as a teenage girl, wishing you would just shut up & leave me alone, what on earth could you know anyway?
Dear god,
I wish I could have you back to annoy me now, to tell me what to do!
The date was Wednesday September 25th, 2002.
That is the Wednesday that I will forever remember as the day my world fell apart!
It was a sunny autumn day indeed,
we arrived at the hospital to visit you, this being your 3rd day in the hospital,
Lori & I walked into the room, and I could see right away that you were worse than yesterday! Tuesday was better, you looked better then!
Today, Wednesday, you looked weak, you looked like you were dying.
You were.
The doctor was in your room, when she left we followed, she told us to gather those closest, it wouldn't be long...
It's only 10am!
What does "won't be long" mean?
We went back into your room, we talked with you for a bit, idle chit chat really, nothing important.
DAMN IT!
I wish I could remember the little conversations with you!
Then Lori & I talked privately for a bit with Nanny, poor Nanny, her only child dying in front of her, what mother should watch this?
We had decided that we would all take shifts in staying with you so you wouldn't be alone and allow us to keep each other updated. I was going to take the over night shift, so I was going to get some of my stuff from where I was staying, so that I would be able to stay with you, when Lori called me and said for me to come back, quickly, I wouldn't be needing stuff for the night. Basically, the doctor said you had only hours left.
Nanny must have been in denial, because she said she was going to go back to your place, get some rest, have dinner, and she told you to get better!
GET BETTER?!?!
Really??

I honestly don't remember much of the day at all, we sat around in your room, talking about our memories of you, laughing, crying, telling jokes & stories.
You died just past 9pm on that Wednesday.

It was a full room, I couldn't even tell you who was there in the end, this was really about Lori & I losing our mom more than anything! My boys losing the most amazing Nanny, Lori's unborn children losing the opportunity to have you as their Nanny! She has two little miracles now Mom, they're brilliant bright little gifts! I know without a doubt you're watching over them!

Thursday was a horrible day too! I remember walking to your work to notify them that you had passed away...
I remember, to this day, my thoughts as I watched the busy streets of Toronto go on with the day as if it were any ordinary Thursday.
Did they not realize that just the night before, the whole world fell apart?
At least mine did!

So much has changed in life since you've passed away.
I feel like I'm such a different person now than I was then!
Actually,
I KNOW I'm a MUCH different person than then!

I miss you Mom, every single day since you left! Every time there is something big in our lives here on earth I miss you more! Hayden was diagnosed with type 1 Juvenile Diabetes just 3 months after you died, oh how I needed you! I talked to you everyday before you died, I assure you, that has NOT changed! I still talk, sadly I can't hear your response but I know you're there listening!

When Lori had her babies, I know you were there, where else would you be?

When I made the extremely difficult decision to end my marriage, I'm certain you were there supporting me in the way only you could have!

And this past year, I believe you have been with me when I needed you most.

Mom, for all the times I didn't say it when you were here, I love you! I love you more than you could ever know! I miss you! I miss your hugs, I miss your telling me what to do! I miss ignoring you! I wish I never took for granted my mom!

Every week, there is a Wednesday, and when I realize its a Wednesday, I feel so sad!
It makes me think of you!
I have had some happy Wednesday's since you've passed,
but that one stupid Wednesday just won't go away!

It's Not the End

I've been going through some personal stuff lately which I'm going to use as my excuse for not posting! Hey, I'm being honest & calling it what it is... an excuse!! My big issue, I suppose, this past week I made the decision to give my dog, Belle away. A VERY difficult decision I must admit, because for the past year & a half I've been battling depression, and she was one of the constants in my life that was there for me regardless of how I felt! She often would just lay on my hip or belly and let me cry or pet her... she didn't ask for anything in return, food, a walk once in a while, some love in return! So as my ex & I have been sharing custody of my children, my poor dog is getting stressed! Two weeks with me, two weeks with their dad, every time the boys leave she mopes, sulks, pulls out her hair... VERY unattractive! Very not okay with me, now when the boys are home with me she was fine, but when they leave again, stress all over again for her! So I did what I believe to be the selfless thing, and gave her away.
The selection process was rather easy I must say. Perhaps I was just lucky! I posted an ad on a major website that offers people the opportunity to list anything they want to sell, rent, give away, or even post ads to find what they're looking for! The replies were PLENTY!! In a very short time I narrowed down the perspective new families down to two... in the end, I chose what family I honestly felt was a better fit for my dog. They had children at the right ages for her, but what they offered was for us to remain in contact so we could continue to see her. WINNER!! Now their dog had JUST died, so I was helping them fill a void, but at the same time helping my dog with a good family. What I wasn't prepared for was the depression that followed. I honestly had no desire to do anything. In fact one day I did just that, stayed in bed & slept the day away! Even now I still struggle with my desire to get up & do anything because she's gone! I KNOW I made the right choice for her, I do! But my heart doesn't feel the loss less for it!

This on top of my group therapy starting to wind down, and no longer being in counseling, I'm kinda feeling like I'm on my own! I know that I'm not REALLY alone, I have the most amazing boyfriend, children, family & friends as support. But I am kinda feeling like I'm flying with the auto pilot right now! I know that there will be times like that, hell, days & maybe weeks where I'm on auto! The good thing is I also know now that I can get through this, and the best part is I can honestly say that at the end of it all, its better! Its all in our perception! Its all in how we perceive what we've experienced! I have had the most horrible year imaginable, I mean BRUTAL year & almost a half... I could choose to sit here and dwell on all the bad, or I can sit here now and reflect, and say WOW, that made me stronger! That made me grow! A friend of mine had on facebook one day not so long ago... (another A-Ha moment for me!) "its all okay in the end, if its not okay, its not the end" I believe that! I will die believing that! Its who I am!

On the Bright Side

One of the things I've learned about myself over the years is that I am a tried & true optimist!
A true blue optimist!
However, this past year I think I've earned the title of optimist to the extreme!
I mean, I've had what could quite arguably be the worst, hardest year ever imaginable.
I was completely taken down by depression & anxiety.
Taken to the lowest of low,
very unlike me or anything I've ever experienced in the past!
Yet I sit here and say & believe that this past year has been the best thing that ever could have happened to me!
I do believe that everything happens for a reason.
So bearing that in mind,
I found out today, or more made the decision that I can't start school at the end of February as I'd originally hoped.
I instead, will start in May.
The reason being is that two of the courses I need for my diploma are already full,
I could be placed on a waiting list for those classes, but the possibility of me not making it into the classes is too great and I would end up taking more classes than needed, so rather than being placed on a waiting list for this term, I'll be enrolled for next term! Simple!
Everything happens for a reason,
this I believe allows me to remain calm, not have any panic or anxiety over the whole situation.
Its not the way I wanted or expected it to happen. But I am able to see the positive in this!
Funny thing,
I find my optimism annoying at times!
I often catch myself thinking to myself,
"god, how annoying! You just HAVE to find the silver lining don't you?!"
I do, and amazingly enough, I'm okay with it!
This is one of the things I've realized about myself this past year,
I mean I always knew I was an optimist,
just not to the extent that I actually am!

Broken

I'm so not certain why, but one song has followed me this past year, I am almost always listening to my itunes on shuffle... my ipod was on when I got my tattoo "Unbroken" on the back of my neck. (the pick under the header!) and this song came on! I couldn't stop crying, and believe it or not it wasn't for the pain! The other day, I was typing the letter to my dad (working on it in pieces) and had to stop because I was crying, when I stopped I turned away from my computer to calm down, to breathe... this song came on again! I assure you, this past year has been filled with moments of this song coming on at just the right moment for me to be freaked out! I think that there has to be a connection to this song somehow!
I'm not sure exactly why it seems to keep coming on, I know the connection when I got my tattoo was overwhelming, but as I said, it just keeps coming!
So I'm gonna share!


Broken
By Seether w/ Amy Lee

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

I'm Movin On!

WHAT A DAY!!
I have NO clue what the hell is going on in my head today!
I LOVE music beyond words!
It is my escape, my sanity!
I have a million songs rushing through my head today!

Perhaps its the place my life is,
along with where I can see it going...
Either way, I have SO many songs in my brain today, all of them making me emotional!

One song in particular that I can't escape is
"I'm Movin' On"
by Rascal Flatts.

Now to be fair, the very second I first heard this song back in 1999 or 2000 I was connected to it!
I honestly felt that this song was written for me!
The lyrics are so powerful!

So here it is!
I hope someone out there who hasn't already heard the song reads it or hears it & gets the same connection I have to it!

I'm Movin' On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Changes

Alright, here's the story as it sits so far,
I've started writing my letter to my father.
I've discovered that is going to be a longer process than I originally thought!
And rather than not post until that letter is complete, I figured since this is my primary outlet for writing I should still stick with my writing as the need or urge strikes.

So here I am!
OMG I've got so many songs whirling around in my head today!
So many thoughts!

Exciting news in my world,
I've made the decision to go back to school!
Starting February 28th I will be back in a classroom to obtain my LONG overdue high school diploma!
Yep a 40 year old high school student!
I'm most excited about the self esteem I KNOW this is going to give me!
I already know the way this is going to feed my self esteem, the power it will give me to continue onto perhaps a new career or further education!
Power is so so so good for the soul!
I have power right now!
I suppose I should be nervous about this, I mean I haven't been a student in a classroom setting in 23 years!
That's a LONG time!
How do I know I'm going to be able to learn?
How do I know I'll be able to handle the work?
How do I know I can pass?
I know this because the past year and a half of my life has taught me that!
I may not have been in a student in a classroom setting in 23 years,
but I have been the most diligent student of life!
I've done the work, and TRUST me, it was work!
I have learned so much about me,
about those around me,
and about life in the last year that I now know I have the ability to learn anything!
I am so excited, so proud of myself for this step!
I feel like a grown up!
YAY!!

Another big event...
A closed chapter in my life!
I am no longer in counseling!
Odd, I've felt it coming for a while,
I knew the eventual day would be here!
But in 13 months, I've committed to working on myself,
on soul searching, on learning!
In 13 months, I learned a lot!
I met a new wonderful, exciting, happy woman I didn't know!
I met me!
I do so love this version of me,
I love that I know that I will always be working on me.
I will always be growing,
I will always be evolving,
but that at the base, I have an amazing wonderful
idealists view of the world.
I have a very firm grip on reality,
but still optimistic!
I've said it to my boyfriend so many times I'm certain he's tired of hearing it,
but I am SO glad that he met & is getting to know this version of me!

Someone said to me yesterday,
"Please don't change, I like that you have that view!
More people need to hold on to the hope that there is good in everyone!"

Funny, I never saw myself that way til yesterday!
See, growing! Learning!
I'm so sad that I will no longer be seeing my counselor.
She has helped me in ways that I don't know I expected!
I know because I saw a therapist prior to seeing her that the person you see is KEY in your ability to work, to recover!
And she gave me the much needed outlet!

I know that essentially I did the work, but without her guidance,
I believe I would still be a very lost soul!
I was lost all the time,
now, I'm a lot less lost,
my good days far outweigh my bad days,
my bad days are so vastly different than they were a year ago!
So I'm growing up!
I'm mellowing!
I have to say,
I have had the worst, horrible, difficult year imaginable!
I am so thankful for that! It has really given me a clearer perspective!
It has given me so many of the MUCH needed tools along my journey of self discovery!
I'm a strong, vibrant woman!
I really hope at some point, everyone has the kind of year I've had!
I wouldn't trade it for anything!

A Decision

I've been going to group therapy for the past few months.
This particular group is for women who have been abused,
be it in childhood or in marriage/adult relationships.
I'll say that the two definitely seem to be linked!
We are a group of vastly different women,
each with our own unique story, our own baggage to sort through,
our own abuses to overcome.
Yet abuse has bonded us, we get each other!
We know what it feels like to be abused, manipulated, made to feel less than we are.

When we first started this group, the facilitators asked us to write out a time-line of our lives,
including both positive & negative memories.
As I was writing out this time-line I was genuinely shocked at the outcome for me!
I thought going into this group, that I would focus on the abuse I endured at my step-mother's hand.
Or perhaps the abuse throughout my adult relationships!
What I realized & surprised me the most is that I have issue with the abuse from my father!
My step-mother & he are no longer together,
and while she was my primary abuser, I was not hers to love!
I was my fathers, and he failed me!
He didn't hit me nearly as much as she did, I probably could count on one hand the physical incidents with him.
The verbal abuse, the mental attacks, the emotional abuse,
those are the huge scars I carry with me still!
I took part in a psychodrama through my group, and said things to "my dad" that I want to say but don't feel safe doing so...

I've decided JUST THIS SECOND, that I'm going to write a letter to my dad!
I'm going to use this forum to do so, so that way its out in the universe!
My theory is that if someone reads it, hopefully he's someone's dad & realizes how much he's hurt his child.
After my psychodrama I wondered "what if dad doesn't know what he's done?"
Don't I owe it to him to tell him?
To let him know?
Perhaps its not safe to do that, the facilitator pushed me to search WHY I would want to tell him? Why would I say to him all that I'm struggling with, and I'll be honest,
there was a time not so long ago I would have told him just to hurt him, just to make him feel bad or guilty. But the truth is I don't know that he knows what he's done wrong! I don't know that he realizes how he continues to talk to me, the way he treats me. The way he makes me feel.
I hurt because of him, and I think as a parent, I would want to know if I were doing that to my child!!
I love my dad, but its fear based!
Fear, not respect, fear not admire, fear not aspire to be...
in fact, he is everything I hope to never be!
I am by no means a perfect mom, God knows I've made MANY mistakes raising my boys...
I've apologized to them for those mistakes, I'm human!
I realize that my father too is human, and that he too is a product of his upbringing,
but perhaps the fact that he's never apologized to me for the way I was raised, abused, teased at his hand...
perhaps him not acknowledging that there was a LOT of abuse in our home when we were growing up...
Perhaps that's what I need most!
I'm fairly certain as I'm the eldest of my siblings that I remember things that they wouldn't.
So of course my scars would be deeper, would need more repair!
I want to KNOW that my dad knows what he did to me!
I want to know that he loves me...
So I've made the decision to write to my father...
A letter to Dad will my next posting...
Scary really, considering I'm crying as I write this & I've not even begun to address my father personally!

I do want to add to this before I post,
there WERE happy memories of my childhood, and perhaps some days there will be postings of those times. But right now, I'm sorting through the pieces around me and the ones on top are the ones I'm focusing on.

Self Worth

A-Ha Moments,
I have them ALL the time!!
Especially this past year!
Personal growth = clarity!
What's surprised me most is where the moments come from!
Different places all the time!

One of the MOST profound things I ever heard another human say came from Marie Osmond!
While on the Oprah Winfrey Show, she was being interviewed about her sons death,
tragic, but Oprah had asked about her divorce, Marie commented VERY briefly about the marriage
but followed it with the statement...
"You marry at the level of your self esteem, have self worth"

I was BLOWN away! Truly!
I would take that so far as even dating or selecting friends!!
I deserve to be in a peaceful, loving relationship with a man who treats me with respect.
Who makes me happy!
I wouldn't be friends with someone who abused me or called me names!
So WHY would I stay in a relationship with someone who does those things?
I love Marie Osmond for that moment!
I will live the rest of my days holding a higher standard of my partner!
I have often wondered if I was mistaken in ending my marriage,
it hurt my boys, it clearly had affected me!
What I didn't realize I suppose is that I wasn't sure how to not be in an abusive relationship!
I didn't know how to not have someone call me names or put me down all the time!
I'm stronger now!
I suppose I was always strong...
had to survive somehow!

More A-ha moments to follow I'm sure!!

For Starters...

Okay, so where do you start something like this?
I'm not even sure if I'm writing to someone or just writing for the sake of writing!
I imagine it will take various forms every time!

As an introduction, because I'm sure at some point someone is going to read this...
My name is Tracy, I am a now 40 year old woman, separated after a 16 year marriage to a man that I married for all the wrong reasons!

I've titled this blog "A Million Unbroken Pieces" because I'm tired of thinking of myself as broken...
so perhaps I'm just a complex woman with a million pieces...

I have had what has been described by those who know me best as a hard life.
I was physically & mentally abused as a child, by my step mother primarily & some by my father.
I of course went on to fall into abusive relationships...
After ending my marriage, which was not good for either of us or our children (3)
I fell apart... a break down I suppose.
Panic or anxiety attacks, depression, a real hard time!
After taking just over a year to work on myself,
I've learned a great deal, how could I not?
I am so proud of what I've learned about me, about why I am who I am, why I've made the choices I've made in my life.
I at no time am absolving myself of any responsibility in my life choices,
however, those of us emotionally & mentally abused know how we live up to our expectations!
We get called fat often enough we'll become it!
Call me stupid enough, I'll believe it!
Tell me I can't do or don't deserve better,
I won't try for it!
We live what we're taught!

I have a few things in my life that I am passionate about,
first & foremost is music...
I assure you I'm pretty much always listening to music!
I LOVE lyrics!
In fact don't be surprised if I just post song lyrics here some days,
its just something that touches or moves me!
Second is photography,
I'm really new to the photography thing,
I have a wonderful camera,
one I'm still getting to know better.
She's with me all the time!
(Yes, my camera is a she, and she has a name!)
I am a very open minded person,
laid back,
HONEST to a fault!
I am DONE beyond done with anger!
I have NO room in my life for it,
spent 19 years angry all the time,
over it!
I want love, calm, & peace in my life now!
I need to avoid people who trigger the anger,
my ex & my father are these types of people.
I left the ex, can't leave my father!
Good thing he lives in another province & I only see him once a year!
Anyway, I'm going to sign off now, I expect I'll be filling in blanks as I go...

I'm so excited about doing this, I hope this provides the outlet I suspect it will!