It's Not the End

I've been going through some personal stuff lately which I'm going to use as my excuse for not posting! Hey, I'm being honest & calling it what it is... an excuse!! My big issue, I suppose, this past week I made the decision to give my dog, Belle away. A VERY difficult decision I must admit, because for the past year & a half I've been battling depression, and she was one of the constants in my life that was there for me regardless of how I felt! She often would just lay on my hip or belly and let me cry or pet her... she didn't ask for anything in return, food, a walk once in a while, some love in return! So as my ex & I have been sharing custody of my children, my poor dog is getting stressed! Two weeks with me, two weeks with their dad, every time the boys leave she mopes, sulks, pulls out her hair... VERY unattractive! Very not okay with me, now when the boys are home with me she was fine, but when they leave again, stress all over again for her! So I did what I believe to be the selfless thing, and gave her away.
The selection process was rather easy I must say. Perhaps I was just lucky! I posted an ad on a major website that offers people the opportunity to list anything they want to sell, rent, give away, or even post ads to find what they're looking for! The replies were PLENTY!! In a very short time I narrowed down the perspective new families down to two... in the end, I chose what family I honestly felt was a better fit for my dog. They had children at the right ages for her, but what they offered was for us to remain in contact so we could continue to see her. WINNER!! Now their dog had JUST died, so I was helping them fill a void, but at the same time helping my dog with a good family. What I wasn't prepared for was the depression that followed. I honestly had no desire to do anything. In fact one day I did just that, stayed in bed & slept the day away! Even now I still struggle with my desire to get up & do anything because she's gone! I KNOW I made the right choice for her, I do! But my heart doesn't feel the loss less for it!

This on top of my group therapy starting to wind down, and no longer being in counseling, I'm kinda feeling like I'm on my own! I know that I'm not REALLY alone, I have the most amazing boyfriend, children, family & friends as support. But I am kinda feeling like I'm flying with the auto pilot right now! I know that there will be times like that, hell, days & maybe weeks where I'm on auto! The good thing is I also know now that I can get through this, and the best part is I can honestly say that at the end of it all, its better! Its all in our perception! Its all in how we perceive what we've experienced! I have had the most horrible year imaginable, I mean BRUTAL year & almost a half... I could choose to sit here and dwell on all the bad, or I can sit here now and reflect, and say WOW, that made me stronger! That made me grow! A friend of mine had on facebook one day not so long ago... (another A-Ha moment for me!) "its all okay in the end, if its not okay, its not the end" I believe that! I will die believing that! Its who I am!