Finally Forgiveness....

I feel guilt over not writing more!

I know I shouldn't,

as I said from the beginning, this is really all about me.

There really shouldn't be any "norm" for doing this.

That being said however,

I'll admit that I've been wanting to write since the end of March.

I've written in the past about Forgiveness.

I took part in a "Forgiveness workshop" in March.

Probably the best thing I did for myself!

The facilitator of the workshop, in addition to my counselor,

informed me that

"forgiveness might not be what you think it is"

So I went to the workshop with an open mind and a willingness to forgive my father!

I said in my previous posting about forgiveness is that

I don't forgive my father.

Allow me to share with you some of what I learned in my two week workshop!

What forgiveness is not....

• A gift to the wrongdoer, its a gift to ourselves.
• Does not happen simply because someone asked for it.
• It is not earned.
• It is not about someone else
• Is not about letting people get away with hurting you.
• Approval of behavior, action or circumstance.
• Does not excuse what happened.
• Justifying what happened.
• Pardoning the action.
• Reconciliation.
•   Denying what took place.
• Turning a blind eye to what happened.
• Forgetting.
• Refusing to take the wrong seriously.
• Pretending we are not hurt.

Definition of Forgiveness....

• The act of giving up anger, resentment or indignation against another person or situation due to a perceived offense.

• Forgiveness is the gift of grace given so that the weeds of hatred do not spread in the person.

• Release the negative emotions such as anger, resentment, bitterness, indignation, hurt, irritation and guilt that are at others & self.

• Giving up the beliefs that generate these emotions.

• Shifting perceptions regarding the person or circumstance that triggered the unpleasant or negative feelings in an effort to learn to see things differently.

• Choosing and deciding to forgive.

• Developing positive feelings and attitudes toward the person/situation that was previously perceived as hurtful, including oneself.

•  Develop an authentic sense of peace and contentment when thinking about the past transgression.

• Giving up the desire for retribution, punishment or harm to the person or people.

• Discovering the idea that events or situations that were perceived as harmful were learning experiences that existed for personal or spiritual growth of all those involved.

 BINGO!!!

That last one had it all! 

I also learned that Forgiving people tend to be more...

• Optimistic (DUH!)
• Hopeful
• Trusting
• Warmer
• Friendlier
• Loving
• Peaceful
• Empathetic
• In touch with a sense of meaning and purpose

Who knew?
I'd already forgiven my father & wasn't aware of it!

I believe that even in my earliest postings I stated that
I grew from my past, it helped form who I am.
I've used it for the positive!
I accept that it happened and used it for my growth.

I have boundaries on acceptable behavior from those in my life.
I've chosen to not have my fathers toxic ways in my life.
That has nothing to do with my ability to forgive.

I have forgiven!
I'm happy with this discovery!

A Nice Change

Here we are,
coming up the one year mark of this blog.
Exciting!
I'll admit that looking back,
I've not written as much as I originally thought I would have.
However,
as I stated in the beginning,
this is really about me,
about when the urge to write hits,
about whatever happens out of my fingertips.

I sat down today to attempt to focus on some of the happier memories of my youth.
To share something positive from my childhood.
I assure you my father is not 100% evil.
He just failed me drastically as a father!

He worked two, sometimes 3 jobs at a time when I was growing up.
I understand a man needing to have a good work ethic,
needing to feel he's a good provider to his family.
I suppose that's it,
he thought he was a good father because he provided for us!
He just didn't realize that he wasn't really providing ALL we needed!

ANYWAY....
Today, happy memories!
Some of my happiest memories growing up,
the best memories ever,
are the ones where my parents didn't spend a penny!
Not the numerous trips to amusement parks,
not the hours spent at the stadium watching the Jays play,
not the almost endless camping trips,
not the seemingly never ending road trips to visit family in far away cities...
(Brockville is far away when you're a Toronto kid!)

The times I remember most fondly are the spontaneous silliness!
I remember giggle fits so intense my stomach hurt!
My step mother getting mad because we couldn't stop laughing.
Then hearing my father say to her,

"Just let them laugh,
their lives will be full of moments where they can't stop crying,
let them laugh!"

Who knew the old man was smart?!

I remember food fights during a big family dinner!
"Dad, can you pass me the potatoes"
was all it took to start it too!
And NO one was spared!
A handful of spuds, peas, spoonfuls of gravy,
whatever was on the table was game!
Advantage to coming from a big family,
clean up never fell to just one person!

It was such an awesome way to take out frustrations on each other!
Could never strike my parents,
but smash them with a handful of potatoes?
You betcha!

Back in the days before computers & video games to occupy us on a rainy day,
we ran in the rain & played in the puddles!
And what happens when the ground gets wet?
That's right, we played in the mud!
MANY photos of us covered head to toe in mud!

One warm early summer day,
June...
as each of us kids got home from school,
we'd each walk in the door one by one.
I was in the 8th grade, 13!

Walked in the door to be met by BOTH my Dad & step mother,
will a FULL pitcher of water each, and they drenched me!
"Good news, you're not the last one home,
go grab yourself a jug of water for the next one!"
That went on until each of us was home,
it was so much fun!
The best picture of my little brother Bobby standing there in the doorway SOAKED!
Bawling his eyes out!
Not because he was wet but because he couldn't throw water at anyone!

Those are some happy memories!
It would be nice to say I miss my childhood,
that because of those memories I wish I could go back...
But I don't!
And that's okay,
because I have kids too,
and I'm the queen of silly!


Honestly,
this is the first time I smiled as I wrote!

What a nice change!