Thinking

I see my psychiatrist once a month,
my first meeting with him I didn't like him, he seemed a lot like a glorified drug dealer!
Now, I love going to see him, I love talking to him!
Every visit, and I mean EVERY visit, he tells me I'm a very smart woman, not just once, but several times in one session.
I believe a bulk of that comes from how self aware I am,
which is a direct result of me taking this past year & a half to fix me mentally.
My wonderful boyfriend, is so good for me, he is doing his best to help my fragile self esteem, not an easy task I'll tell you that much!
I have to find something in me to help me believe that I deserve better!
Okay, the decision to get my high school diploma is a part of that, definitely!
I know that getting my diploma will give me a renewed sense of pride & make me feel that yes, I am smart!
I have EVERY intention of learning to drive this year.
I know, 40 & I don't know how to drive!
I know that learning to drive will give me a new sense of freedom & independence that I've never had!
What I seem to be struggling with greatly, is my weight.
I know why I'm fat.
Yes fat...
its an adjective, a descriptive word.
Describes my body type...
the dictionary describes fat as abundant, plentiful, having too much flabby tissue.
All of that is accurate, so for lack of a better word, and so everyone understands it, I'm fat.
I'm fat because I've been told that my whole life.
Even when I was a very average teenage girl, running track & field,
running cross country,
being an active kid,
I was still called fat,
thunder thighs,
hungry hippo.
So when I think back to when I was called those names I think to how it made me feel.
It made me feel like I wasn't good enough,
like I was bad,
like I was ugly,
like I was useless.
Yet when I looked in the dictionary, none of those words were there!
So WHY can't I get over the past?
Why can't I get passed these names?
Why is it I believe that I'm just this fat person?
I know underneath my weight I'm an average framed woman with a very pretty face.
I love hearing that,
"you have such a pretty face"
or
"you'd be so pretty if you'd only lose weight"
ARGH!
I'm frustrated!
I want to lose weight,
I really do!
I'm tired of my weight being the excuse for everything!
I watch the show The Biggest Loser,
I find the stories so inspirational,
but when they get to the heart of each persons weight gain,
there's a story, I can relate to that,
but how do I let go of my story?
How do I get to believe I deserve to be healthier?
How do I get in the mindset that I am a priority?
Too many questions that I don't yet know the answers to!
I have grown this past year & a half,
personal growth, self awareness,
everything is really just a different way of looking at things.
A different perspective or view point.
Not a huge deal, but I had to be open to the process.
I had to evaluate everything myself.
So I need to find a new way of thinking when it comes to my weight,
to exercise and to my eating habits!
I feel like Winnie the Pooh...
think, think, think...

Happiness Doesn't Just Happen!

Something occurred to me today,
I remembered when I first started counseling over a year ago.
I remember telling my counselor that I was afraid that at the end of this,
(meaning the depression)
I wouldn't be the same me I was before it!
I wanted the old me back.

Today it occurred to me that I couldn't be more different than the me I was prior to the depression!
The funniest thing is, I'm so much happier with who I am!
I do believe that everything happens for a reason,
whatever the ultimate outcome,
everything happens to teach us!
To aid us in becoming a better version of us!
And while I'm no longer in counseling, I do continue to grow & learn everyday.
I learn about me every single day of my life now!
I want better for myself now, and expect better of me!
Now, when I reflect back at various parts of my life,
I realize that the reason I was so angry was because I wasn't happy
but didn't feel safe enough to admit it to myself.
So now, here I am in a relationship that is
calm,
kind,
loving,
good for me,
and I'm battling my inner saboteur!
How do I not sabotage my relationship,
my happiness?
I don't know how to be happy!
See, this new me is smarter too!
I need to keep reminding myself that I want happiness, and I have to work at it!
It doesn't just happen!
I love me now!

Not so sure I could have said that at any other point in my life,
well, not honestly anyway!

One Stupid Wednesday

You died on a Wednesday.
An ordinary, sunny, autumn Wednesday.
Ironically, I was born on a Wednesday.
But THIS

Wednesday was a sad, horrible, life altering Wednesday for me!
I wish I knew before that Wednesday how amazing you were!
I wish I knew exactly what I had to lose before that Wednesday!
I suppose we all take our mom's for granted!
God knows I did!
I remember, as a teenage girl, wishing you would just shut up & leave me alone, what on earth could you know anyway?
Dear god,
I wish I could have you back to annoy me now, to tell me what to do!
The date was Wednesday September 25th, 2002.
That is the Wednesday that I will forever remember as the day my world fell apart!
It was a sunny autumn day indeed,
we arrived at the hospital to visit you, this being your 3rd day in the hospital,
Lori & I walked into the room, and I could see right away that you were worse than yesterday! Tuesday was better, you looked better then!
Today, Wednesday, you looked weak, you looked like you were dying.
You were.
The doctor was in your room, when she left we followed, she told us to gather those closest, it wouldn't be long...
It's only 10am!
What does "won't be long" mean?
We went back into your room, we talked with you for a bit, idle chit chat really, nothing important.
DAMN IT!
I wish I could remember the little conversations with you!
Then Lori & I talked privately for a bit with Nanny, poor Nanny, her only child dying in front of her, what mother should watch this?
We had decided that we would all take shifts in staying with you so you wouldn't be alone and allow us to keep each other updated. I was going to take the over night shift, so I was going to get some of my stuff from where I was staying, so that I would be able to stay with you, when Lori called me and said for me to come back, quickly, I wouldn't be needing stuff for the night. Basically, the doctor said you had only hours left.
Nanny must have been in denial, because she said she was going to go back to your place, get some rest, have dinner, and she told you to get better!
GET BETTER?!?!
Really??

I honestly don't remember much of the day at all, we sat around in your room, talking about our memories of you, laughing, crying, telling jokes & stories.
You died just past 9pm on that Wednesday.

It was a full room, I couldn't even tell you who was there in the end, this was really about Lori & I losing our mom more than anything! My boys losing the most amazing Nanny, Lori's unborn children losing the opportunity to have you as their Nanny! She has two little miracles now Mom, they're brilliant bright little gifts! I know without a doubt you're watching over them!

Thursday was a horrible day too! I remember walking to your work to notify them that you had passed away...
I remember, to this day, my thoughts as I watched the busy streets of Toronto go on with the day as if it were any ordinary Thursday.
Did they not realize that just the night before, the whole world fell apart?
At least mine did!

So much has changed in life since you've passed away.
I feel like I'm such a different person now than I was then!
Actually,
I KNOW I'm a MUCH different person than then!

I miss you Mom, every single day since you left! Every time there is something big in our lives here on earth I miss you more! Hayden was diagnosed with type 1 Juvenile Diabetes just 3 months after you died, oh how I needed you! I talked to you everyday before you died, I assure you, that has NOT changed! I still talk, sadly I can't hear your response but I know you're there listening!

When Lori had her babies, I know you were there, where else would you be?

When I made the extremely difficult decision to end my marriage, I'm certain you were there supporting me in the way only you could have!

And this past year, I believe you have been with me when I needed you most.

Mom, for all the times I didn't say it when you were here, I love you! I love you more than you could ever know! I miss you! I miss your hugs, I miss your telling me what to do! I miss ignoring you! I wish I never took for granted my mom!

Every week, there is a Wednesday, and when I realize its a Wednesday, I feel so sad!
It makes me think of you!
I have had some happy Wednesday's since you've passed,
but that one stupid Wednesday just won't go away!

It's Not the End

I've been going through some personal stuff lately which I'm going to use as my excuse for not posting! Hey, I'm being honest & calling it what it is... an excuse!! My big issue, I suppose, this past week I made the decision to give my dog, Belle away. A VERY difficult decision I must admit, because for the past year & a half I've been battling depression, and she was one of the constants in my life that was there for me regardless of how I felt! She often would just lay on my hip or belly and let me cry or pet her... she didn't ask for anything in return, food, a walk once in a while, some love in return! So as my ex & I have been sharing custody of my children, my poor dog is getting stressed! Two weeks with me, two weeks with their dad, every time the boys leave she mopes, sulks, pulls out her hair... VERY unattractive! Very not okay with me, now when the boys are home with me she was fine, but when they leave again, stress all over again for her! So I did what I believe to be the selfless thing, and gave her away.
The selection process was rather easy I must say. Perhaps I was just lucky! I posted an ad on a major website that offers people the opportunity to list anything they want to sell, rent, give away, or even post ads to find what they're looking for! The replies were PLENTY!! In a very short time I narrowed down the perspective new families down to two... in the end, I chose what family I honestly felt was a better fit for my dog. They had children at the right ages for her, but what they offered was for us to remain in contact so we could continue to see her. WINNER!! Now their dog had JUST died, so I was helping them fill a void, but at the same time helping my dog with a good family. What I wasn't prepared for was the depression that followed. I honestly had no desire to do anything. In fact one day I did just that, stayed in bed & slept the day away! Even now I still struggle with my desire to get up & do anything because she's gone! I KNOW I made the right choice for her, I do! But my heart doesn't feel the loss less for it!

This on top of my group therapy starting to wind down, and no longer being in counseling, I'm kinda feeling like I'm on my own! I know that I'm not REALLY alone, I have the most amazing boyfriend, children, family & friends as support. But I am kinda feeling like I'm flying with the auto pilot right now! I know that there will be times like that, hell, days & maybe weeks where I'm on auto! The good thing is I also know now that I can get through this, and the best part is I can honestly say that at the end of it all, its better! Its all in our perception! Its all in how we perceive what we've experienced! I have had the most horrible year imaginable, I mean BRUTAL year & almost a half... I could choose to sit here and dwell on all the bad, or I can sit here now and reflect, and say WOW, that made me stronger! That made me grow! A friend of mine had on facebook one day not so long ago... (another A-Ha moment for me!) "its all okay in the end, if its not okay, its not the end" I believe that! I will die believing that! Its who I am!

On the Bright Side

One of the things I've learned about myself over the years is that I am a tried & true optimist!
A true blue optimist!
However, this past year I think I've earned the title of optimist to the extreme!
I mean, I've had what could quite arguably be the worst, hardest year ever imaginable.
I was completely taken down by depression & anxiety.
Taken to the lowest of low,
very unlike me or anything I've ever experienced in the past!
Yet I sit here and say & believe that this past year has been the best thing that ever could have happened to me!
I do believe that everything happens for a reason.
So bearing that in mind,
I found out today, or more made the decision that I can't start school at the end of February as I'd originally hoped.
I instead, will start in May.
The reason being is that two of the courses I need for my diploma are already full,
I could be placed on a waiting list for those classes, but the possibility of me not making it into the classes is too great and I would end up taking more classes than needed, so rather than being placed on a waiting list for this term, I'll be enrolled for next term! Simple!
Everything happens for a reason,
this I believe allows me to remain calm, not have any panic or anxiety over the whole situation.
Its not the way I wanted or expected it to happen. But I am able to see the positive in this!
Funny thing,
I find my optimism annoying at times!
I often catch myself thinking to myself,
"god, how annoying! You just HAVE to find the silver lining don't you?!"
I do, and amazingly enough, I'm okay with it!
This is one of the things I've realized about myself this past year,
I mean I always knew I was an optimist,
just not to the extent that I actually am!

Broken

I'm so not certain why, but one song has followed me this past year, I am almost always listening to my itunes on shuffle... my ipod was on when I got my tattoo "Unbroken" on the back of my neck. (the pick under the header!) and this song came on! I couldn't stop crying, and believe it or not it wasn't for the pain! The other day, I was typing the letter to my dad (working on it in pieces) and had to stop because I was crying, when I stopped I turned away from my computer to calm down, to breathe... this song came on again! I assure you, this past year has been filled with moments of this song coming on at just the right moment for me to be freaked out! I think that there has to be a connection to this song somehow!
I'm not sure exactly why it seems to keep coming on, I know the connection when I got my tattoo was overwhelming, but as I said, it just keeps coming!
So I'm gonna share!


Broken
By Seether w/ Amy Lee

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away