Thinking

I see my psychiatrist once a month,
my first meeting with him I didn't like him, he seemed a lot like a glorified drug dealer!
Now, I love going to see him, I love talking to him!
Every visit, and I mean EVERY visit, he tells me I'm a very smart woman, not just once, but several times in one session.
I believe a bulk of that comes from how self aware I am,
which is a direct result of me taking this past year & a half to fix me mentally.
My wonderful boyfriend, is so good for me, he is doing his best to help my fragile self esteem, not an easy task I'll tell you that much!
I have to find something in me to help me believe that I deserve better!
Okay, the decision to get my high school diploma is a part of that, definitely!
I know that getting my diploma will give me a renewed sense of pride & make me feel that yes, I am smart!
I have EVERY intention of learning to drive this year.
I know, 40 & I don't know how to drive!
I know that learning to drive will give me a new sense of freedom & independence that I've never had!
What I seem to be struggling with greatly, is my weight.
I know why I'm fat.
Yes fat...
its an adjective, a descriptive word.
Describes my body type...
the dictionary describes fat as abundant, plentiful, having too much flabby tissue.
All of that is accurate, so for lack of a better word, and so everyone understands it, I'm fat.
I'm fat because I've been told that my whole life.
Even when I was a very average teenage girl, running track & field,
running cross country,
being an active kid,
I was still called fat,
thunder thighs,
hungry hippo.
So when I think back to when I was called those names I think to how it made me feel.
It made me feel like I wasn't good enough,
like I was bad,
like I was ugly,
like I was useless.
Yet when I looked in the dictionary, none of those words were there!
So WHY can't I get over the past?
Why can't I get passed these names?
Why is it I believe that I'm just this fat person?
I know underneath my weight I'm an average framed woman with a very pretty face.
I love hearing that,
"you have such a pretty face"
or
"you'd be so pretty if you'd only lose weight"
ARGH!
I'm frustrated!
I want to lose weight,
I really do!
I'm tired of my weight being the excuse for everything!
I watch the show The Biggest Loser,
I find the stories so inspirational,
but when they get to the heart of each persons weight gain,
there's a story, I can relate to that,
but how do I let go of my story?
How do I get to believe I deserve to be healthier?
How do I get in the mindset that I am a priority?
Too many questions that I don't yet know the answers to!
I have grown this past year & a half,
personal growth, self awareness,
everything is really just a different way of looking at things.
A different perspective or view point.
Not a huge deal, but I had to be open to the process.
I had to evaluate everything myself.
So I need to find a new way of thinking when it comes to my weight,
to exercise and to my eating habits!
I feel like Winnie the Pooh...
think, think, think...