I've been in group therapy since October of 2010.
I've mentioned this group before,
we're all survivors of abuse.
I will state that there seems to be a commonality among the women,
that the abuse we endured as children lead us to then go on to marriages of the same caliber!
I have a very high pain tolerance.
I really do,
I can take a shot from the biggest of men,
in fact, I'd go blow for blow with a full grown man,
and have for that matter!
I remember one instance when I was in grade 8, so that's what?
13?
I had an older teenage boy kick the shit out of me,
and I mean KICK!!
Running kicks, round houses, the whole works!
Not sure why, it was a matter of he said she said shit, but I stood there & took it.
Didn't shed a tear, just stood, I refused to fall!
When he was done & took off I started to walk home, and in turn, started to bawl my eyes out!
I stopped crying before getting home, can't risk someone there finding out what was happening outside, or I'd never be allowed out!
I learned that day that I don't bruise easily!
Anyway, back to my story...
Actually, its all my story!
I was seriously physically abused growing up, primarily by my step mother,
also by my father.
But my deepest scars, biggest bruises,
they come from the emotional & mental abuse I've endured!
My marriage was abusive.
Physically, emotionally, mentally.
(I'm not completely innocent in all this)
Again, the biggest scars & bruises come from the emotional & mental!
I struggle greatly with my self confidence as a result of this!
Today was the second last session for my group.
I am very afraid of being therapy free.
Wait, does my psychiatrist count as therapy?
Yeah, of course he does!
So, we're going from weekly therapy to monthly!
I can handle that!
Today in group we were forced to look at our trauma's in a different light.
What have we gained from our trauma's?
What positives, negatives, how its changed us.
What got us through those hard times...
Many different things.
I've been spending a life time questioning these very things!
Truthfully, the past year & half of my life, its been my full time job!
I am a VERY self aware person!
I am aware of my downfalls,
I am also brutally aware of my many shining attributes!
I am aware of how strong I am because of what I've endured.
I also have been a TRUE optimist since as far back as I remember!
I remember hearing things like
"that which does not kill you makes you stronger"
and taking it to heart!
Much like my Marie Osmond A-Ha moment,
my life is full of them!
I've been a very eager sponge absorbing everything I needed to cope!
I've surrounded myself with people that validated me, empathized with me.
Didn't feel sorry for me, but empathized!
I was also very fortunate to have people guide me,
try to help me.
And I clung to that little optimistic girl!
I do so love my rose coloured glasses!
I know that without a doubt, my natural, god given gift of optimism is why and how I've survived 40 years!
It is what has left my eyes & soul open to the abundance of A-Ha moments that hit me.
it is what has left me open to listen to music, to lyric and not just hear them, but feel them!
I've lived a hard life,
and with each difficulty I learned!
I remember thinking as my parents would beat or berate one of us,
I swear I will NEVER do this to my kids...
Now I'm not naive, I know we all say that,
but I don't do it to mine!
I don't hit or insult or attack my kids.
I do my best to support them, to help them.
Give them responsibilities & consequences,
give them boundaries.
They in turn, become stronger, healthier people.
I will always strive to be the parent I failed to have,
I've failed at times,
but I've admitted my failures to my children, and most importantly to myself!
I'm always going to grow, going to learn, its inevitable!
I know next week will be challenging walking away from these women!
I will miss them greatly,
probably not individually I'll admit.
But the group as a whole,
we've grown together,
I think that's something special!
I've mentioned this group before,
we're all survivors of abuse.
I will state that there seems to be a commonality among the women,
that the abuse we endured as children lead us to then go on to marriages of the same caliber!
I have a very high pain tolerance.
I really do,
I can take a shot from the biggest of men,
in fact, I'd go blow for blow with a full grown man,
and have for that matter!
I remember one instance when I was in grade 8, so that's what?
13?
I had an older teenage boy kick the shit out of me,
and I mean KICK!!
Running kicks, round houses, the whole works!
Not sure why, it was a matter of he said she said shit, but I stood there & took it.
Didn't shed a tear, just stood, I refused to fall!
When he was done & took off I started to walk home, and in turn, started to bawl my eyes out!
I stopped crying before getting home, can't risk someone there finding out what was happening outside, or I'd never be allowed out!
I learned that day that I don't bruise easily!
Anyway, back to my story...
Actually, its all my story!
I was seriously physically abused growing up, primarily by my step mother,
also by my father.
But my deepest scars, biggest bruises,
they come from the emotional & mental abuse I've endured!
My marriage was abusive.
Physically, emotionally, mentally.
(I'm not completely innocent in all this)
Again, the biggest scars & bruises come from the emotional & mental!
I struggle greatly with my self confidence as a result of this!
Today was the second last session for my group.
I am very afraid of being therapy free.
Wait, does my psychiatrist count as therapy?
Yeah, of course he does!
So, we're going from weekly therapy to monthly!
I can handle that!
Today in group we were forced to look at our trauma's in a different light.
What have we gained from our trauma's?
What positives, negatives, how its changed us.
What got us through those hard times...
Many different things.
I've been spending a life time questioning these very things!
Truthfully, the past year & half of my life, its been my full time job!
I am a VERY self aware person!
I am aware of my downfalls,
I am also brutally aware of my many shining attributes!
I am aware of how strong I am because of what I've endured.
I also have been a TRUE optimist since as far back as I remember!
I remember hearing things like
"that which does not kill you makes you stronger"
and taking it to heart!
Much like my Marie Osmond A-Ha moment,
my life is full of them!
I've been a very eager sponge absorbing everything I needed to cope!
I've surrounded myself with people that validated me, empathized with me.
Didn't feel sorry for me, but empathized!
I was also very fortunate to have people guide me,
try to help me.
And I clung to that little optimistic girl!
I do so love my rose coloured glasses!
I know that without a doubt, my natural, god given gift of optimism is why and how I've survived 40 years!
It is what has left my eyes & soul open to the abundance of A-Ha moments that hit me.
it is what has left me open to listen to music, to lyric and not just hear them, but feel them!
I've lived a hard life,
and with each difficulty I learned!
I remember thinking as my parents would beat or berate one of us,
I swear I will NEVER do this to my kids...
Now I'm not naive, I know we all say that,
but I don't do it to mine!
I don't hit or insult or attack my kids.
I do my best to support them, to help them.
Give them responsibilities & consequences,
give them boundaries.
They in turn, become stronger, healthier people.
I will always strive to be the parent I failed to have,
I've failed at times,
but I've admitted my failures to my children, and most importantly to myself!
I'm always going to grow, going to learn, its inevitable!
I know next week will be challenging walking away from these women!
I will miss them greatly,
probably not individually I'll admit.
But the group as a whole,
we've grown together,
I think that's something special!
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