Walking Away

I did something this week that I should have done in September.
I severed ties with someone who was & is really toxic for me.
I dated him, if you can call it that,
for a couple months.
He was extremely emotionally abusive,
even after the relationship ended he continued to verbally attack my character,
attempted to attack my emotional well being.
The sad part is I was allowing him to do so!
I've deleted & blocked him from my contacts so he can't contact me online.
Sadly he knows where I live, he knows my phone numbers.
I will ignore any attempts by him in the future to contact me.
It occurs to me, and of course this isn't news to the rest of the world,
but it occurs to me that so long as I allow him to talk to me the way he does, so long as I allow him to continue his cycle of abuse, he will continue to do so!
Now I've done my part.
I know why I've allowed it so long, I'm afraid of rejection!
No one likes rejection,
but for some stupid reason I feel its okay to be treated as a second class citizen by someone so that they won't reject me.
I need to stand up for me!
I need to know & believe that I do not deserve to be treated poorly or attacked by anyone!
This is harder than you would think or expect!
I mean I've been taught my whole life that I wasn't good enough!
I've been verbally attacked my whole life,
this is an incredibly difficult cycle to break!
I'm doing it!

I know that people will treat me the way I allow them to.
So, I've not spoke to my father since Christmas,
its odd really, no falling out, no argument,
I think he can sense that I don't want him in my life!
I mean a lot has gone on his life since then,
and previously, he would have called me to unload.
He's called both my sister & brother & told them, but me...
not a thing!
This is not a complaint, don't get me wrong.
I think that the beginning of laying boundaries in my life will be easier with the distance.

I've spent so much of my life with the impression that if someone was mad at me
they attacked me, both verbally and physically.
I broke the physical abuse cycle a while ago.
I think the mental & verbal abuse is a little more difficult to stop.
It means that if someone is doing that to me,
I need to be able to tell them to stop, or walk away!
Walking away is where the true challenge is for me.
I suppose the need to be liked, accepted, or valued is too strong in me,
I realize that these are things I should be able to provide for myself,
but having not been given the tools to do this, makes it difficult.
It has made this period of self discovery that much more important!

I had a conversation with my sister the other day about this very topic.
I expressed a concern that because these are skills I've not been given or taught,
that I, in turn,
am failing to provide my children with these tools.
She assured me that I am doing everything to teach them.
They're aware of the work I'm doing to improve myself,
to grow emotionally & psychologically.
I don't stroke my own ego very well,
but I do consider myself a good mother.
Of course I had to make some BIG mistakes raising my first born to feel that I'm better for my younger two!
I think that realizing & accepting & apologizing for those mistakes helped greatly!

I walked away this week...
I can't live my life with this person constantly attacking me!
He would attack and I would give in and play the game.
All the while I'm getting hurt.
So, why play if it hurts?

Next up...
Dad!