Forgotten Birthday

Today is my youngest brother Bobby's birthday.
I spent so much energy today focusing on not calling my father
as its also his birthday,
that I actually forgot it was my brother's birthday too!

I feel really bad for forgetting.
I did call my brother,
a little late,
but that was okay.

After wishing him a happy birthday,
this is how our conversation played out...

He said;
"You know its your father's birthday too, right?"

I said;
"Yes, I'm very aware."

"Did you call him?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"My own personal issues."

"Just call him!"

"I can't do that Bobby."

"Okay, well whatever your reasons, you know you can't undo this?"

"I'm very aware of that."

Bobby is 6 years younger than me.
I realize he probably doesn't remember a bulk of the physical abuse that happened at home.
Or if he does,
his truth is different than mine.

It took me 40 years to be strong enough to REALLY put me first!

My memories are mine!

I have to live with the feelings of inadequacy when it comes to him.
The knowledge that my father will never respect me enough to admit he
made mistakes.
He will never apologize to me or my siblings.

Its not wrong for me to hold those in my life accountable for their choices,
for their actions toward me.

So if I'm willing to live with the consequences of cutting my father out of my life,
why does it matter to anyone else?

I understand that my siblings don't like to see my father hurting.
If indeed he is,
but I can't base my choices on his feelings.
He obviously didn't put his children's feelings into
I know him, I could bet my non existent pay cheques on the fact that
his "poor Bob" act,
is just that,
an act!

I know he struggles with depression when he's not working.
I can relate to that!
But I can't give in to this.
I am FINALLY strong enough to not give in.
I stress out at the prospect of talking to him.
It causes me anxiety.
I don't like who I am after having dealt with him.

I feel inferior, weak, small, worthless & stupid
anytime I talk to him or around him!
Why would anyone subject themselves to that?
Just because he's my father I'm supposed to accept
verbal, mental, emotional abuse?

No thanks,
I'll take the guilt!
At least its a self induced guilt,
one I have control over.
This could be his last birthday,
that would be sad,
but I'm sticking to my convictions here.
I have to!
If I don't stand up for me, who will?

NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE,
will ever treat me as though I'm less than I am ever again!

Looking Beyond the Closed Door

Okay,
I think I'm more convinced than ever before that I'm a strong woman.
That the depression and all I've endured have given me a strength that I wasn't fully aware of.
Well, not til now anyway!
Allow me to explain.

I started a new job April 11th.
I was pretty happy about it too!
Brought back my sense of pride, dignity,
gave me my self worth back!

Friday July 15th, 2011,
my employer IQT Solutions,
a call centre that handled phone calls for Bell Canada,
went into receivership.

This is how we were informed...

I went into work, just before 10am,
I wasn't scheduled to work until 10:45.
When I went in, all of my co-workers were having some system "down-time".
Basically,
NONE of our tools provided to us by Bell,
were working.
I'd been told before that it did happen from time to time,
however this was not the norm.
Everyone was in a fairly good mood considering we had yet to get our pay.
(it was payday!)
Around 12:00pm the director of our site walked around telling us all to pack up our things,
everything!
To meet him downstairs, he would explain it to us.
Of course there were rumours spreading,
gossip, speculations.
Sadly they all were accurate!

This is what we were told,
"at 10:00 this morning IQT went into receivership,
at 10:05, Bell Canada pulled their contract.
There is no pay, you will NOT be getting your pay cheques.
I strongly recommend you go to the labour board in regard to this matter!"

So, there I stood,
outside,
unemployed,
looking around at my former co-workers,
some crying,
some with blank looks,
some blood boiling.
I could hear comments such as,
"what are we going to do to pay our bills?"
"how do we get our money owed to us?"
"yay, summer off!"

Sure, those thoughts were in my head,
but the most predominant thought in my head?
Standing outside with the 600+ former co-workers,
"I have to compete with this many more people for a job!"
This is a VERY difficult time for job searching,
its a difficult time to be unemployed!

I was and am mad about my money!
I will follow process to get it!
I have a legal right to it!
So I came home and called the labour board,
filed a form online,
once I know more about who the trustee is for this case,
I will file for something called Wage Earner Protection,
a program offered to employees,
protection!

I contacted social services,
I contacted an agency that I know aids in finding employment!

On Saturday,
I handed out more resume's.

On Monday morning, at 8am,
my former co-workers are all meeting up at our former place of employment,
with the intention of banding together,
then heading to the local office for the Labour Board.
Everyone is going,
except me.

I have a job interview at 11am.
My priority is to find a job,
to get a pay cheque again!
Something that will make the fight with IQT and the trustee bearable!

I am SO much stronger now than I was 2 years ago!
This is a situation that could very well have affected my ability to function!
I would have coiled up, cried, given up!
Instead, I was proactive,
more I was ACTIVE in doing what I HAVE to do!

I often doubt my strength!
I know I shouldn't,
I know, especially now, that I am a very powerful force when it comes down to it!

I'm going to my job interview on Monday,
its a customer service based job,
one that some would consider menial,
but I know its one I will excel at!
My ideal job?
HELL NO!
But it will help pay bills!

I refused to allow this to knock me down!
I was telling those crying,
"this door closed, clear your eyes, look at the door that opened!"

I can't believe how calm I've been in all this!
I'm proud of me!
It's been such a difficult journey to get me here!

durhamregion.com had an article about what happened to us.
To read it, click
HERE

Also, a youtube video someone made...
HERE

A Montreal news paper, as IQT had 2 offices in Montreal!
HERE

On to my next chapter...

Where's the Humour?

Here I sit, it's July!!
Where the hell did the year go?

I didn't write in June at all.
I've been pretty busy lately with work.
An excuse, for sure, but a valid one!
So June was an interesting month for me...
Father's Day.
I chose not to call my father.


See,
my father had this running "joke" all through my childhood.
Sadly, it was a joke that only he found funny,
especially as I got older.

My cousin Natalie is considerably younger than me.
She's the daughter of my Dad's youngest brother Gordie.
When Natalie was little... 2-4 ish... I was around 10-12ish.
(TOTAL guess on ages!)

It was brought to everyone's attention how much Natalie looked like me when I was little.
Identical in fact!

So my father chose to start the stupid rumour or joke,
that when he was at work my Mom & Uncle were having an affair.
Why else would Natalie look so much like me?
He continued to make comments to that effect my whole life.
To the extent that when my Uncle passed,
my father called me to tell me...
"your father died"
SO SO SO FUNNY!!
I fail to find the humour in this... maybe I'm too close to the situation!

So since clearly my father died a few years ago,
I don't need to call him on Father's Day, or his birthday for that matter.

I had a talk with my sister this past week.
She & Dad had apparently talked this past week...

He asked her what was up with me,
complained that I didn't call him on Father's Day,
so apparently he's noticed my absence.
Why do people do that?
If you want to know why I'm not talking to you,
ASK ME!!
Don't ask someone else,
what a horrible position to put the other person in!

It really doesn't matter, he won't ask me why I haven't called or anything,
and I know for certain its because he KNOWS he won't like the answer.
I would tell him,
and as much as it would hurt him,
that's not why I'd tell him.
However its why I'm not calling him to tell him.
I don't want it to be for the WRONG reasons.
But if he calls, then gloves off,
truth WILL come out!

I don't fear him being mad at me,
because I've accepted that it doesn't matter what I do or say.
I'm wrong, I will never be right,
I will never make the right decisions by him.
I said to my sister that he doesn't care that I'm upset with him,
or care that I'm hurting.
He only cares about himself.
So why is it wrong that I've decided I no longer care how he feels?

My sister said she's worried about how my decision to cut him out of my life will affect me when he passes away.
I genuinely don't know...
but the funny part,
the BEST part...
right now,
I don't care!

I have lived the first 40 years of my life in anger,
in fear,
never feeling good enough!

I think I deserve to keep away from those that will hurt me.
Be it physically, emotionally, mentally,
I've made the decision to make my life from this point forward about me!!

Yes, I still cry for the father I know I will never have.
To be honest,
when he does pass away,
that will be what I mourn most!

But you can't really miss something you've never had,
can you?

(yay!! I wrote this without a single tear!)