Here I sit, it's July!!
Where the hell did the year go?
I didn't write in June at all.
I've been pretty busy lately with work.
An excuse, for sure, but a valid one!
So June was an interesting month for me...
Father's Day.
I chose not to call my father.
See,
my father had this running "joke" all through my childhood.
Sadly, it was a joke that only he found funny,
especially as I got older.
My cousin Natalie is considerably younger than me.
She's the daughter of my Dad's youngest brother Gordie.
When Natalie was little... 2-4 ish... I was around 10-12ish.
(TOTAL guess on ages!)
It was brought to everyone's attention how much Natalie looked like me when I was little.
Identical in fact!
So my father chose to start the stupid rumour or joke,
that when he was at work my Mom & Uncle were having an affair.
Why else would Natalie look so much like me?
He continued to make comments to that effect my whole life.
To the extent that when my Uncle passed,
my father called me to tell me...
"your father died"
SO SO SO FUNNY!!
I fail to find the humour in this... maybe I'm too close to the situation!
So since clearly my father died a few years ago,
I don't need to call him on Father's Day, or his birthday for that matter.
I had a talk with my sister this past week.
She & Dad had apparently talked this past week...
He asked her what was up with me,
complained that I didn't call him on Father's Day,
so apparently he's noticed my absence.
Why do people do that?
If you want to know why I'm not talking to you,
ASK ME!!
Don't ask someone else,
what a horrible position to put the other person in!
It really doesn't matter, he won't ask me why I haven't called or anything,
and I know for certain its because he KNOWS he won't like the answer.
I would tell him,
and as much as it would hurt him,
that's not why I'd tell him.
However its why I'm not calling him to tell him.
I don't want it to be for the WRONG reasons.
But if he calls, then gloves off,
truth WILL come out!
I don't fear him being mad at me,
because I've accepted that it doesn't matter what I do or say.
I'm wrong, I will never be right,
I will never make the right decisions by him.
I said to my sister that he doesn't care that I'm upset with him,
or care that I'm hurting.
He only cares about himself.
So why is it wrong that I've decided I no longer care how he feels?
My sister said she's worried about how my decision to cut him out of my life will affect me when he passes away.
I genuinely don't know...
but the funny part,
the BEST part...
right now,
I don't care!
I have lived the first 40 years of my life in anger,
in fear,
never feeling good enough!
I think I deserve to keep away from those that will hurt me.
Be it physically, emotionally, mentally,
I've made the decision to make my life from this point forward about me!!
Yes, I still cry for the father I know I will never have.
To be honest,
when he does pass away,
that will be what I mourn most!
But you can't really miss something you've never had,
can you?
(yay!! I wrote this without a single tear!)
Where the hell did the year go?
I didn't write in June at all.
I've been pretty busy lately with work.
An excuse, for sure, but a valid one!
So June was an interesting month for me...
Father's Day.
I chose not to call my father.
See,
my father had this running "joke" all through my childhood.
Sadly, it was a joke that only he found funny,
especially as I got older.
My cousin Natalie is considerably younger than me.
She's the daughter of my Dad's youngest brother Gordie.
When Natalie was little... 2-4 ish... I was around 10-12ish.
(TOTAL guess on ages!)
It was brought to everyone's attention how much Natalie looked like me when I was little.
Identical in fact!
So my father chose to start the stupid rumour or joke,
that when he was at work my Mom & Uncle were having an affair.
Why else would Natalie look so much like me?
He continued to make comments to that effect my whole life.
To the extent that when my Uncle passed,
my father called me to tell me...
"your father died"
SO SO SO FUNNY!!
I fail to find the humour in this... maybe I'm too close to the situation!
So since clearly my father died a few years ago,
I don't need to call him on Father's Day, or his birthday for that matter.
I had a talk with my sister this past week.
She & Dad had apparently talked this past week...
He asked her what was up with me,
complained that I didn't call him on Father's Day,
so apparently he's noticed my absence.
Why do people do that?
If you want to know why I'm not talking to you,
ASK ME!!
Don't ask someone else,
what a horrible position to put the other person in!
It really doesn't matter, he won't ask me why I haven't called or anything,
and I know for certain its because he KNOWS he won't like the answer.
I would tell him,
and as much as it would hurt him,
that's not why I'd tell him.
However its why I'm not calling him to tell him.
I don't want it to be for the WRONG reasons.
But if he calls, then gloves off,
truth WILL come out!
I don't fear him being mad at me,
because I've accepted that it doesn't matter what I do or say.
I'm wrong, I will never be right,
I will never make the right decisions by him.
I said to my sister that he doesn't care that I'm upset with him,
or care that I'm hurting.
He only cares about himself.
So why is it wrong that I've decided I no longer care how he feels?
My sister said she's worried about how my decision to cut him out of my life will affect me when he passes away.
I genuinely don't know...
but the funny part,
the BEST part...
right now,
I don't care!
I have lived the first 40 years of my life in anger,
in fear,
never feeling good enough!
I think I deserve to keep away from those that will hurt me.
Be it physically, emotionally, mentally,
I've made the decision to make my life from this point forward about me!!
Yes, I still cry for the father I know I will never have.
To be honest,
when he does pass away,
that will be what I mourn most!
But you can't really miss something you've never had,
can you?
(yay!! I wrote this without a single tear!)
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