Today is my youngest brother Bobby's birthday.
I spent so much energy today focusing on not calling my father
as its also his birthday,
that I actually forgot it was my brother's birthday too!
I feel really bad for forgetting.
I did call my brother,
a little late,
but that was okay.
After wishing him a happy birthday,
this is how our conversation played out...
He said;
"You know its your father's birthday too, right?"
I said;
"Yes, I'm very aware."
"Did you call him?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"My own personal issues."
"Just call him!"
"I can't do that Bobby."
"Okay, well whatever your reasons, you know you can't undo this?"
"I'm very aware of that."
Bobby is 6 years younger than me.
I realize he probably doesn't remember a bulk of the physical abuse that happened at home.
Or if he does,
his truth is different than mine.
It took me 40 years to be strong enough to REALLY put me first!
My memories are mine!
I have to live with the feelings of inadequacy when it comes to him.
The knowledge that my father will never respect me enough to admit he
made mistakes.
He will never apologize to me or my siblings.
Its not wrong for me to hold those in my life accountable for their choices,
for their actions toward me.
So if I'm willing to live with the consequences of cutting my father out of my life,
why does it matter to anyone else?
I understand that my siblings don't like to see my father hurting.
If indeed he is,
but I can't base my choices on his feelings.
He obviously didn't put his children's feelings into
I know him, I could bet my non existent pay cheques on the fact that
his "poor Bob" act,
is just that,
an act!
I know he struggles with depression when he's not working.
I can relate to that!
But I can't give in to this.
I am FINALLY strong enough to not give in.
I stress out at the prospect of talking to him.
It causes me anxiety.
I don't like who I am after having dealt with him.
I feel inferior, weak, small, worthless & stupid
anytime I talk to him or around him!
Why would anyone subject themselves to that?
Just because he's my father I'm supposed to accept
verbal, mental, emotional abuse?
No thanks,
I'll take the guilt!
At least its a self induced guilt,
one I have control over.
This could be his last birthday,
that would be sad,
but I'm sticking to my convictions here.
I have to!
If I don't stand up for me, who will?
NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE,
will ever treat me as though I'm less than I am ever again!
I spent so much energy today focusing on not calling my father
as its also his birthday,
that I actually forgot it was my brother's birthday too!
I feel really bad for forgetting.
I did call my brother,
a little late,
but that was okay.
After wishing him a happy birthday,
this is how our conversation played out...
He said;
"You know its your father's birthday too, right?"
I said;
"Yes, I'm very aware."
"Did you call him?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"My own personal issues."
"Just call him!"
"I can't do that Bobby."
"Okay, well whatever your reasons, you know you can't undo this?"
"I'm very aware of that."
Bobby is 6 years younger than me.
I realize he probably doesn't remember a bulk of the physical abuse that happened at home.
Or if he does,
his truth is different than mine.
It took me 40 years to be strong enough to REALLY put me first!
My memories are mine!
I have to live with the feelings of inadequacy when it comes to him.
The knowledge that my father will never respect me enough to admit he
made mistakes.
He will never apologize to me or my siblings.
Its not wrong for me to hold those in my life accountable for their choices,
for their actions toward me.
So if I'm willing to live with the consequences of cutting my father out of my life,
why does it matter to anyone else?
I understand that my siblings don't like to see my father hurting.
If indeed he is,
but I can't base my choices on his feelings.
He obviously didn't put his children's feelings into
I know him, I could bet my non existent pay cheques on the fact that
his "poor Bob" act,
is just that,
an act!
I know he struggles with depression when he's not working.
I can relate to that!
But I can't give in to this.
I am FINALLY strong enough to not give in.
I stress out at the prospect of talking to him.
It causes me anxiety.
I don't like who I am after having dealt with him.
I feel inferior, weak, small, worthless & stupid
anytime I talk to him or around him!
Why would anyone subject themselves to that?
Just because he's my father I'm supposed to accept
verbal, mental, emotional abuse?
No thanks,
I'll take the guilt!
At least its a self induced guilt,
one I have control over.
This could be his last birthday,
that would be sad,
but I'm sticking to my convictions here.
I have to!
If I don't stand up for me, who will?
NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE,
will ever treat me as though I'm less than I am ever again!
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