Coming from a large family,
you already have to compete with your siblings for attention.
Now,
imagine for a minute that the only attention you got was negative!
Was a verbal attack,
a physical attack.
My step mother's favorite thing to do was grab me by my throat.
that was fun just after I had my tonsils removed.
Tasted blood for days,
couldn't talk,
perhaps that's what she wanted!
The names ranged from fat, stupid, useless, idiot,
to some more colourful, profane adjectives.
How is a young girl hearing those things on an ongoing basis
supposed to survive?
How is she supposed to come out of that home & not be broken?
How does she go on to become a mom & in turn NOT do the same to her children.
How does she not grow up to be a very angry person?
I spent 19 years in a relationship that angered me.
I ended my marriage,
but the anger didn't go away!
I was still so angry,
all the time,
at every little thing!
Of course I wouldn't show the anger to the majority of people that knew me.
A well kept secret.
My sister asked me why I was still so angry at my ex.
It was then that I stopped and gave thought, reflected.
I wasn't mad at him,
I was mad at me for staying so long.
Once I let go of THAT anger
it freed me up to look at the other areas of my life
where anger consumed me.
Dad!
I see my step mother maybe once a year,
I put on a fake smile,
pretend I give a shit,
pretend like she gives a shit,
and go on...
With my dad,
I can't do it!
I can't pretend with him!
I will admit that not talking to him at all has freed me of a lot of anger.
Its really only when I see him or speak to him that I get angry.
I do lash out when I'm angry,
sadly its misdirected anger.
My kids can tell when I've spoke to my father,
I yell,
my mood changes instantly.
I was feeling bad for not talking to my father,
I don't know if my sisters intention was to make me feel bad,
but I did.
But I'm taking that back!
Why should I talk to him if its only going to hurt me or cause me anger?
I can choose to live a life without anger!
Sadly,
that may include a life without my father.
I was watching TV this weekend,
there were some wonderful father/daughter relationships.
I cry when I see these,
where a girl says her Dad is her hero,
he's the best,
or he hugs her & kisses her & tells her he loves her.
Its genuine, I can tell,
because my relationship is strained at best!
I cry,
not because I'm happy for them,
but sad for me.
Sad for what I'm lacking!
I remember in high school, latching onto male teachers,
male guidance counselors,
to look to them for the support I so desperately needed.
Thankfully, I had an amazing guidance counselor.
A priest!
Father Rainey.
I do often wonder where he is, how he is!
I mean without him, I wouldn't have survived!
I was completely oblivious to the fact that
the guidance office was there to assist you with your
post secondary education!
He listened,
he supported me,
he helped me.
I spent HOURS in his office.
Unloading,
trying so hard to get a grown up to listen!
He did that!
Not only did he listen,
he believed me!
He even assisted me with finding group homes,
setting up appointments,
to get myself out of my parent's home.
To get myself the help I so desperately needed!
One day,
things at home erupted,
I ended up blurting out to my step mother
mid beating that I was doing this,
looking for a group home.
The look on her face was amazing!
Shock...
My dad was in the living room while I was getting my beating,
EPIC FAIL!
He asked me what the hell I was doing.
So I told him,
explained that my guidance office was aware of everything going on at home.
To say he was livid would be a vast understatement.
I got the cold shoulder,
not only from her, but him as well.
When he did speak to me it was only to attack me verbally.
He even told me to tell the group homes,
when I go to talk to them,
that when they ask where he is in all the abuse,
to tell them that my dad is dead,
I killed him by stabbing him in the back.
So I chickened out of leaving home.
Only to get kicked out just after my 17th birthday.
No apology has ever been given.
Its my fault,
if you ask my father about the events leading up to me being kicked out,
he'll tell you it was my fault.
I think he's right,
it is my fault,
I should have followed through with the group homes.
I should have put me first back then.
you already have to compete with your siblings for attention.
Now,
imagine for a minute that the only attention you got was negative!
Was a verbal attack,
a physical attack.
My step mother's favorite thing to do was grab me by my throat.
that was fun just after I had my tonsils removed.
Tasted blood for days,
couldn't talk,
perhaps that's what she wanted!
The names ranged from fat, stupid, useless, idiot,
to some more colourful, profane adjectives.
How is a young girl hearing those things on an ongoing basis
supposed to survive?
How is she supposed to come out of that home & not be broken?
How does she go on to become a mom & in turn NOT do the same to her children.
How does she not grow up to be a very angry person?
I spent 19 years in a relationship that angered me.
I ended my marriage,
but the anger didn't go away!
I was still so angry,
all the time,
at every little thing!
Of course I wouldn't show the anger to the majority of people that knew me.
A well kept secret.
My sister asked me why I was still so angry at my ex.
It was then that I stopped and gave thought, reflected.
I wasn't mad at him,
I was mad at me for staying so long.
Once I let go of THAT anger
it freed me up to look at the other areas of my life
where anger consumed me.
Dad!
I see my step mother maybe once a year,
I put on a fake smile,
pretend I give a shit,
pretend like she gives a shit,
and go on...
With my dad,
I can't do it!
I can't pretend with him!
I will admit that not talking to him at all has freed me of a lot of anger.
Its really only when I see him or speak to him that I get angry.
I do lash out when I'm angry,
sadly its misdirected anger.
My kids can tell when I've spoke to my father,
I yell,
my mood changes instantly.
I was feeling bad for not talking to my father,
I don't know if my sisters intention was to make me feel bad,
but I did.
But I'm taking that back!
Why should I talk to him if its only going to hurt me or cause me anger?
I can choose to live a life without anger!
Sadly,
that may include a life without my father.
I was watching TV this weekend,
there were some wonderful father/daughter relationships.
I cry when I see these,
where a girl says her Dad is her hero,
he's the best,
or he hugs her & kisses her & tells her he loves her.
Its genuine, I can tell,
because my relationship is strained at best!
I cry,
not because I'm happy for them,
but sad for me.
Sad for what I'm lacking!
I remember in high school, latching onto male teachers,
male guidance counselors,
to look to them for the support I so desperately needed.
Thankfully, I had an amazing guidance counselor.
A priest!
Father Rainey.
I do often wonder where he is, how he is!
I mean without him, I wouldn't have survived!
I was completely oblivious to the fact that
the guidance office was there to assist you with your
post secondary education!
He listened,
he supported me,
he helped me.
I spent HOURS in his office.
Unloading,
trying so hard to get a grown up to listen!
He did that!
Not only did he listen,
he believed me!
He even assisted me with finding group homes,
setting up appointments,
to get myself out of my parent's home.
To get myself the help I so desperately needed!
One day,
things at home erupted,
I ended up blurting out to my step mother
mid beating that I was doing this,
looking for a group home.
The look on her face was amazing!
Shock...
My dad was in the living room while I was getting my beating,
EPIC FAIL!
He asked me what the hell I was doing.
So I told him,
explained that my guidance office was aware of everything going on at home.
To say he was livid would be a vast understatement.
I got the cold shoulder,
not only from her, but him as well.
When he did speak to me it was only to attack me verbally.
He even told me to tell the group homes,
when I go to talk to them,
that when they ask where he is in all the abuse,
to tell them that my dad is dead,
I killed him by stabbing him in the back.
So I chickened out of leaving home.
Only to get kicked out just after my 17th birthday.
No apology has ever been given.
Its my fault,
if you ask my father about the events leading up to me being kicked out,
he'll tell you it was my fault.
I think he's right,
it is my fault,
I should have followed through with the group homes.
I should have put me first back then.
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