I don't really know where to start,
what to say,
or even how to say some of what I feel I need to say to you!
Allow me to start by saying,
I am NOT sorry for what I have to say.
I am sorry however for allowing so much of it to affect my life to the extent it has!
I have struggled greatly with my own self esteem, body image & my very being because of the way I was treated as you raised me!
So many of the things you've said to me, called me,
have left scars that I don't think you will ever truly comprehend!
You've seemed to do so with tones of sarcasm,
so as to make everyone feel you were joking,
but here's the thing, there is a little truth to every joke and if you hear something often enough then you'll believe it!
Children learn what they live dad!
You are supposed to be the role model for men in my life,
you're the one who set the bar,
the bar that all men are to meet in my life.
Yet, I watched you physically abuse my step mother, as you did my mother before her.
I watched you physically abuse my step brother.
I myself have experienced the physical pain of your rage.
I have VIVID memories of the physical abuses I've endured!
I cry just thinking about them!
HOW do adults think its okay to do this to children?
I'm 40 and don't think that I should be haunted by these memories!!
I am however, surprised at the amount of mental & psychological damage I live with due to the seemingly countless episodes of verbal/mental abuse!
I don't know that I will ever be able to get over being called fat, thunder thighs, hungry hippo or whatever other names you felt appropriate to call me!
I don't think you knew how much it hurt to have you say that the only way I ever finished a cross country race in school was to have you stand at the finish line & yell lunch!
I ran cross country & track because I enjoyed it, I was good at it too!
You made it so I was not comfortable running, so I wouldn't try.
You made me feel that I wasn't any good at it!
And calling me the names on top of that made me feel that I was fat anyway so why bother?! What I know now as an adult, is that I was NOT fat back then!
I was a normal HEALTHY young lady who's body was developing,
I had curves in all the right places!
I was FIT!
As a developing young woman I was already full of insecurities & self doubt,
I already had a low self esteem,
then to have my FATHER & step mother,
those responsible for my growth & development be the ones to rip me down,
to ensure I struggled and searched for love, acceptance, affection & attention from others!
I sit here now, a very lost, depressed, insecure morbidly obese 40 year old woman!
How much of that has stemmed from my childhood?
How much of my current situation is because of the very deep emotional scars left by you?
Why is it that anytime I think of you, dealing with you, thinking about having to talk to you, or even about past conversations I get scared?
I'm nervous at the prospect of dealing with you!
WHY?
Why is it that the father I want you to be, the father I need, you're not him?
My psychiatrist, who I thought was a nut job himself when I first started seeing him.
Has helped me see things in a different light.
He asked me, would you go to Canadian Tire to purchase a burger?
Of course my answer was no!
He likened what it is I want from you to that,
I keep going back to Canadian Tire asking them to make me a burger!
No matter how many times I go there asking them to do it they just won't!
I keep looking to you to be this person you aren't,
you aren't capable of being!
So WHY, dear god WHY, do I keep looking to you for it?
Why am I so desperate to have a relationship with someone who makes me feel stupid,
who makes me feel inferior?
I don't know the reason for it.
I've recently come to accept that its not just me that you're not this father to.
It's all of us!
Yet for some reason, I'm the only one who STILL gets treated this way!
I know you had a hard childhood yourself,
and I'm certain somewhere in your rationale,
you tell yourself that "at least they didn't have it as bad as I did!"
Dad, I'm here to tell you that you failed me consistently throughout my life,
and continue to do so!
I need to expect for you to consistently disappoint me.
I need to know that you will never admit your wrongs.
Yes Dad, you've been wrong!
Why is it, if for whatever reason,
I challenge your views or opinions, I'm an idiot?
Why am I the one that's wrong?
I don't ever expect you to apologize.
I don't ever expect you to tell me you love me.
I don't ever expect to have you make me feel special to you.
You're my father,
a girl is supposed to be protected by her dad!
You not only didn't protect me, but you yourself,
broke me!
I read this following quote from one of my favorite books...
ALL PARENTS DAMAGE their children.
It cannot be helped.
Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers.
Some parents smudge, other crack,
a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces beyond repair.
I would say you shattered mine!
I'm sure that you, and quite possibly others would say you only cracked...
But to me the only abuse I didn't endure at your hand was incest!
That's a VERY sad statement!
I've learned that you have an empty well.
I'm working on accepting that.
The real test will be when I have to interact with you again.
I'm hoping its not until Christmas again.
Part of me REALLY wants to tell you how I'm feeling,
to let you know how you've failed me, and how you continue to do so!
But I'm afraid that if I did so it would simply be to hurt you,
because I know deep down you just wouldn't get it.
Perhaps you just won't care!
But I feel that at this point,
the only thing I can do for me is let this go.
To let go of any dreams I have for you.
I know one day I'll regret many things,
but I can't have you be one of them!
After all, I am who I am now because of you & Sharon!
I'm this strong survivor because of your failures!
I love you Dad,
I'm just so sorry that's not enough for either of us!
Your Daughter,
Tracy
what to say,
or even how to say some of what I feel I need to say to you!
Allow me to start by saying,
I am NOT sorry for what I have to say.
I am sorry however for allowing so much of it to affect my life to the extent it has!
I have struggled greatly with my own self esteem, body image & my very being because of the way I was treated as you raised me!
So many of the things you've said to me, called me,
have left scars that I don't think you will ever truly comprehend!
You've seemed to do so with tones of sarcasm,
so as to make everyone feel you were joking,
but here's the thing, there is a little truth to every joke and if you hear something often enough then you'll believe it!
Children learn what they live dad!
You are supposed to be the role model for men in my life,
you're the one who set the bar,
the bar that all men are to meet in my life.
Yet, I watched you physically abuse my step mother, as you did my mother before her.
I watched you physically abuse my step brother.
I myself have experienced the physical pain of your rage.
I have VIVID memories of the physical abuses I've endured!
I cry just thinking about them!
HOW do adults think its okay to do this to children?
I'm 40 and don't think that I should be haunted by these memories!!
I am however, surprised at the amount of mental & psychological damage I live with due to the seemingly countless episodes of verbal/mental abuse!
I don't know that I will ever be able to get over being called fat, thunder thighs, hungry hippo or whatever other names you felt appropriate to call me!
I don't think you knew how much it hurt to have you say that the only way I ever finished a cross country race in school was to have you stand at the finish line & yell lunch!
I ran cross country & track because I enjoyed it, I was good at it too!
You made it so I was not comfortable running, so I wouldn't try.
You made me feel that I wasn't any good at it!
And calling me the names on top of that made me feel that I was fat anyway so why bother?! What I know now as an adult, is that I was NOT fat back then!
I was a normal HEALTHY young lady who's body was developing,
I had curves in all the right places!
I was FIT!
As a developing young woman I was already full of insecurities & self doubt,
I already had a low self esteem,
then to have my FATHER & step mother,
those responsible for my growth & development be the ones to rip me down,
to ensure I struggled and searched for love, acceptance, affection & attention from others!
I sit here now, a very lost, depressed, insecure morbidly obese 40 year old woman!
How much of that has stemmed from my childhood?
How much of my current situation is because of the very deep emotional scars left by you?
Why is it that anytime I think of you, dealing with you, thinking about having to talk to you, or even about past conversations I get scared?
I'm nervous at the prospect of dealing with you!
WHY?
Why is it that the father I want you to be, the father I need, you're not him?
My psychiatrist, who I thought was a nut job himself when I first started seeing him.
Has helped me see things in a different light.
He asked me, would you go to Canadian Tire to purchase a burger?
Of course my answer was no!
He likened what it is I want from you to that,
I keep going back to Canadian Tire asking them to make me a burger!
No matter how many times I go there asking them to do it they just won't!
I keep looking to you to be this person you aren't,
you aren't capable of being!
So WHY, dear god WHY, do I keep looking to you for it?
Why am I so desperate to have a relationship with someone who makes me feel stupid,
who makes me feel inferior?
I don't know the reason for it.
I've recently come to accept that its not just me that you're not this father to.
It's all of us!
Yet for some reason, I'm the only one who STILL gets treated this way!
I know you had a hard childhood yourself,
and I'm certain somewhere in your rationale,
you tell yourself that "at least they didn't have it as bad as I did!"
Dad, I'm here to tell you that you failed me consistently throughout my life,
and continue to do so!
I need to expect for you to consistently disappoint me.
I need to know that you will never admit your wrongs.
Yes Dad, you've been wrong!
Why is it, if for whatever reason,
I challenge your views or opinions, I'm an idiot?
Why am I the one that's wrong?
I don't ever expect you to apologize.
I don't ever expect you to tell me you love me.
I don't ever expect to have you make me feel special to you.
You're my father,
a girl is supposed to be protected by her dad!
You not only didn't protect me, but you yourself,
broke me!
I read this following quote from one of my favorite books...
ALL PARENTS DAMAGE their children.
It cannot be helped.
Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers.
Some parents smudge, other crack,
a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces beyond repair.
I would say you shattered mine!
I'm sure that you, and quite possibly others would say you only cracked...
But to me the only abuse I didn't endure at your hand was incest!
That's a VERY sad statement!
I've learned that you have an empty well.
I'm working on accepting that.
The real test will be when I have to interact with you again.
I'm hoping its not until Christmas again.
Part of me REALLY wants to tell you how I'm feeling,
to let you know how you've failed me, and how you continue to do so!
But I'm afraid that if I did so it would simply be to hurt you,
because I know deep down you just wouldn't get it.
Perhaps you just won't care!
But I feel that at this point,
the only thing I can do for me is let this go.
To let go of any dreams I have for you.
I know one day I'll regret many things,
but I can't have you be one of them!
After all, I am who I am now because of you & Sharon!
I'm this strong survivor because of your failures!
I love you Dad,
I'm just so sorry that's not enough for either of us!
Your Daughter,
Tracy
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