It was brought to my attention that it wasn't clear that my last post,
Letter to Dad,
wasn't actually meant for my father to read.
I assure you,
that my father will not read this letter unless one of my siblings decides to share it with him,
which I'm fairly confident will not happen!
So that letter was simply for my own cathartic purposes.
An outlet for me to say what I need to say to him!
Perhaps one day,
upon his passing,
I'll print out a copy,
bury it with him.
I know the emotional & mental damage that he has given me,
his legacy!
I feel the effects of that everyday!
I'm supposed to be able to find a way within me to nurture the little girl
that he & my step mother damaged.
I'm just not certain how!
Okay, so looking back at me filling my well,
I know many positive things about me to be true.
I've been told as much by many others.
I've been told that I'm strong,
that I'm brave,
that I'm smart.
But how do I teach myself to believe it?
How do I give myself this positive affirmation?
I'm 40 and am so insecure.
I give this false air of confidence, of a strong woman.
I've had many people tell me that they were afraid to meet me,
to get to know me,
because I come across as scary.
I am, in truth,
a kitten.
I wouldn't hurt a fly if I could avoid it!
I am the biggest cry baby.
I hurt if someone doesn't like me!
I don't have the thick skin that others seem to think I posses.
So I need to toughen up, or do I?
Perhaps I'm meant to be soft!
I mean I am a survivor of abuse.
Physical, verbal,
mental, emotional.
Perhaps I'm soft because of those abuses.
Perhaps if I hardened due to my abuse,
I wouldn't be the woman I am today!?
(See, optimism at its finest!)
I smile a lot,
a huge, entire face consuming smile!
I hate it!
Perhaps because I know the truth behind that smile!
Sometimes I wish I was safe to tell my father the damage he's done.
Sadly, I know it would fall on deaf ears.
And I know all too well his reply.
I know the hurt and damage that would result in.
I'm certain many would say I don't need to have or maintain a relationship with him.
And the truth is, for the most part, I don't.
I do long for what I believe to be a healthy father/daughter relationship.
But that's just setting me up for disappointment!
I need to learn to give up that dream!
I need someone with all the answers!
I so wish he died first...
I miss my mom!
I know that's evil to say!
But I don't feel bad for feeling that way,
and I'm certain one day I will,
but for now,
it is what it is!
My soul search for personal growth continues!
I do wonder how different I'd be had I been raised by my mom!
Letter to Dad,
wasn't actually meant for my father to read.
I assure you,
that my father will not read this letter unless one of my siblings decides to share it with him,
which I'm fairly confident will not happen!
So that letter was simply for my own cathartic purposes.
An outlet for me to say what I need to say to him!
Perhaps one day,
upon his passing,
I'll print out a copy,
bury it with him.
I know the emotional & mental damage that he has given me,
his legacy!
I feel the effects of that everyday!
I'm supposed to be able to find a way within me to nurture the little girl
that he & my step mother damaged.
I'm just not certain how!
Okay, so looking back at me filling my well,
I know many positive things about me to be true.
I've been told as much by many others.
I've been told that I'm strong,
that I'm brave,
that I'm smart.
But how do I teach myself to believe it?
How do I give myself this positive affirmation?
I'm 40 and am so insecure.
I give this false air of confidence, of a strong woman.
I've had many people tell me that they were afraid to meet me,
to get to know me,
because I come across as scary.
I am, in truth,
a kitten.
I wouldn't hurt a fly if I could avoid it!
I am the biggest cry baby.
I hurt if someone doesn't like me!
I don't have the thick skin that others seem to think I posses.
So I need to toughen up, or do I?
Perhaps I'm meant to be soft!
I mean I am a survivor of abuse.
Physical, verbal,
mental, emotional.
Perhaps I'm soft because of those abuses.
Perhaps if I hardened due to my abuse,
I wouldn't be the woman I am today!?
(See, optimism at its finest!)
I smile a lot,
a huge, entire face consuming smile!
I hate it!
Perhaps because I know the truth behind that smile!
Sometimes I wish I was safe to tell my father the damage he's done.
Sadly, I know it would fall on deaf ears.
And I know all too well his reply.
I know the hurt and damage that would result in.
I'm certain many would say I don't need to have or maintain a relationship with him.
And the truth is, for the most part, I don't.
I do long for what I believe to be a healthy father/daughter relationship.
But that's just setting me up for disappointment!
I need to learn to give up that dream!
I need someone with all the answers!
I so wish he died first...
I miss my mom!
I know that's evil to say!
But I don't feel bad for feeling that way,
and I'm certain one day I will,
but for now,
it is what it is!
My soul search for personal growth continues!
I do wonder how different I'd be had I been raised by my mom!
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