Today I don't feel broken.
Its been a pretty good day today.
I've seen a good, positive version of me today!
Yesterday a good friend of mine called me & we got to catch up,
I got to talk to her about some of what I'm dealing with regarding my dad.
I told her that I've been REALLY struggling with a lot of nightmares or bad dreams lately.
One commonality in them is my father.
Some are of him berating me,
a verbal attack,
more of the same of what I've grown up with,
of what I've tolerated my whole life.
Some are of a huge falling out with the family because of my father & me.
My sister & I were fighting in these dreams,
(we're actually VERY close, and she's been supportive of me)
Not just one dream, not just once,
but several dreams,
several nights.
One day this past week my sister called me,
asked me if I'd spoke to dad at all.
I simply replied,
"No, my phone rings too!"
He hasn't called me,
he knows what I've been working through,
(depression only, no details of the things that my therapy & growth have brought up)
I'm not going out of my way to contact him.
We haven't spoke since Christmas,
with the exception of my sons birthday in January,
there have been no phone calls!
I felt like she was disappointed that I hadn't called him,
I realize he lost his job,
and I know how that's likely affected my workaholic father.
I know depression VERY well.
One thing my girlfriend said yesterday, was a quote from Ashley Judd,
who apparently has a book talking of her childhood & abuse she's endured.
She said...
"this is my truth, every person in the family has their own truth"
Its true,
this is MY truth!
My siblings don't remember a lot of the things I do,
the cost of being the eldest I suppose!
My truth is I don't feel the need or want to have a relationship with my father.
Not the father I have & know now anyway!
I was broken,
for a very long time I've been broken!
I'm not broken now,
perhaps I should thank my father & step mother for breaking me!
Because its when I stopped to pick up all the pieces that I really found me!
Its been a pretty good day today.
I've seen a good, positive version of me today!
Yesterday a good friend of mine called me & we got to catch up,
I got to talk to her about some of what I'm dealing with regarding my dad.
I told her that I've been REALLY struggling with a lot of nightmares or bad dreams lately.
One commonality in them is my father.
Some are of him berating me,
a verbal attack,
more of the same of what I've grown up with,
of what I've tolerated my whole life.
Some are of a huge falling out with the family because of my father & me.
My sister & I were fighting in these dreams,
(we're actually VERY close, and she's been supportive of me)
Not just one dream, not just once,
but several dreams,
several nights.
One day this past week my sister called me,
asked me if I'd spoke to dad at all.
I simply replied,
"No, my phone rings too!"
He hasn't called me,
he knows what I've been working through,
(depression only, no details of the things that my therapy & growth have brought up)
I'm not going out of my way to contact him.
We haven't spoke since Christmas,
with the exception of my sons birthday in January,
there have been no phone calls!
I felt like she was disappointed that I hadn't called him,
I realize he lost his job,
and I know how that's likely affected my workaholic father.
I know depression VERY well.
One thing my girlfriend said yesterday, was a quote from Ashley Judd,
who apparently has a book talking of her childhood & abuse she's endured.
She said...
"this is my truth, every person in the family has their own truth"
Its true,
this is MY truth!
My siblings don't remember a lot of the things I do,
the cost of being the eldest I suppose!
My truth is I don't feel the need or want to have a relationship with my father.
Not the father I have & know now anyway!
I was broken,
for a very long time I've been broken!
I'm not broken now,
perhaps I should thank my father & step mother for breaking me!
Because its when I stopped to pick up all the pieces that I really found me!
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