I've been going to group therapy for the past few months.
This particular group is for women who have been abused,
be it in childhood or in marriage/adult relationships.
I'll say that the two definitely seem to be linked!
We are a group of vastly different women,
each with our own unique story, our own baggage to sort through,
our own abuses to overcome.
Yet abuse has bonded us, we get each other!
We know what it feels like to be abused, manipulated, made to feel less than we are.
When we first started this group, the facilitators asked us to write out a time-line of our lives,
including both positive & negative memories.
As I was writing out this time-line I was genuinely shocked at the outcome for me!
I thought going into this group, that I would focus on the abuse I endured at my step-mother's hand.
Or perhaps the abuse throughout my adult relationships!
What I realized & surprised me the most is that I have issue with the abuse from my father!
My step-mother & he are no longer together,
and while she was my primary abuser, I was not hers to love!
I was my fathers, and he failed me!
He didn't hit me nearly as much as she did, I probably could count on one hand the physical incidents with him.
The verbal abuse, the mental attacks, the emotional abuse,
those are the huge scars I carry with me still!
I took part in a psychodrama through my group, and said things to "my dad" that I want to say but don't feel safe doing so...
I've decided JUST THIS SECOND, that I'm going to write a letter to my dad!
I'm going to use this forum to do so, so that way its out in the universe!
My theory is that if someone reads it, hopefully he's someone's dad & realizes how much he's hurt his child.
After my psychodrama I wondered "what if dad doesn't know what he's done?"
Don't I owe it to him to tell him?
To let him know?
Perhaps its not safe to do that, the facilitator pushed me to search WHY I would want to tell him? Why would I say to him all that I'm struggling with, and I'll be honest,
there was a time not so long ago I would have told him just to hurt him, just to make him feel bad or guilty. But the truth is I don't know that he knows what he's done wrong! I don't know that he realizes how he continues to talk to me, the way he treats me. The way he makes me feel.
I hurt because of him, and I think as a parent, I would want to know if I were doing that to my child!!
I love my dad, but its fear based!
Fear, not respect, fear not admire, fear not aspire to be...
in fact, he is everything I hope to never be!
I am by no means a perfect mom, God knows I've made MANY mistakes raising my boys...
I've apologized to them for those mistakes, I'm human!
I realize that my father too is human, and that he too is a product of his upbringing,
but perhaps the fact that he's never apologized to me for the way I was raised, abused, teased at his hand...
perhaps him not acknowledging that there was a LOT of abuse in our home when we were growing up...
Perhaps that's what I need most!
I'm fairly certain as I'm the eldest of my siblings that I remember things that they wouldn't.
So of course my scars would be deeper, would need more repair!
I want to KNOW that my dad knows what he did to me!
I want to know that he loves me...
So I've made the decision to write to my father...
A letter to Dad will my next posting...
Scary really, considering I'm crying as I write this & I've not even begun to address my father personally!
I do want to add to this before I post,
there WERE happy memories of my childhood, and perhaps some days there will be postings of those times. But right now, I'm sorting through the pieces around me and the ones on top are the ones I'm focusing on.
This particular group is for women who have been abused,
be it in childhood or in marriage/adult relationships.
I'll say that the two definitely seem to be linked!
We are a group of vastly different women,
each with our own unique story, our own baggage to sort through,
our own abuses to overcome.
Yet abuse has bonded us, we get each other!
We know what it feels like to be abused, manipulated, made to feel less than we are.
When we first started this group, the facilitators asked us to write out a time-line of our lives,
including both positive & negative memories.
As I was writing out this time-line I was genuinely shocked at the outcome for me!
I thought going into this group, that I would focus on the abuse I endured at my step-mother's hand.
Or perhaps the abuse throughout my adult relationships!
What I realized & surprised me the most is that I have issue with the abuse from my father!
My step-mother & he are no longer together,
and while she was my primary abuser, I was not hers to love!
I was my fathers, and he failed me!
He didn't hit me nearly as much as she did, I probably could count on one hand the physical incidents with him.
The verbal abuse, the mental attacks, the emotional abuse,
those are the huge scars I carry with me still!
I took part in a psychodrama through my group, and said things to "my dad" that I want to say but don't feel safe doing so...
I've decided JUST THIS SECOND, that I'm going to write a letter to my dad!
I'm going to use this forum to do so, so that way its out in the universe!
My theory is that if someone reads it, hopefully he's someone's dad & realizes how much he's hurt his child.
After my psychodrama I wondered "what if dad doesn't know what he's done?"
Don't I owe it to him to tell him?
To let him know?
Perhaps its not safe to do that, the facilitator pushed me to search WHY I would want to tell him? Why would I say to him all that I'm struggling with, and I'll be honest,
there was a time not so long ago I would have told him just to hurt him, just to make him feel bad or guilty. But the truth is I don't know that he knows what he's done wrong! I don't know that he realizes how he continues to talk to me, the way he treats me. The way he makes me feel.
I hurt because of him, and I think as a parent, I would want to know if I were doing that to my child!!
I love my dad, but its fear based!
Fear, not respect, fear not admire, fear not aspire to be...
in fact, he is everything I hope to never be!
I am by no means a perfect mom, God knows I've made MANY mistakes raising my boys...
I've apologized to them for those mistakes, I'm human!
I realize that my father too is human, and that he too is a product of his upbringing,
but perhaps the fact that he's never apologized to me for the way I was raised, abused, teased at his hand...
perhaps him not acknowledging that there was a LOT of abuse in our home when we were growing up...
Perhaps that's what I need most!
I'm fairly certain as I'm the eldest of my siblings that I remember things that they wouldn't.
So of course my scars would be deeper, would need more repair!
I want to KNOW that my dad knows what he did to me!
I want to know that he loves me...
So I've made the decision to write to my father...
A letter to Dad will my next posting...
Scary really, considering I'm crying as I write this & I've not even begun to address my father personally!
I do want to add to this before I post,
there WERE happy memories of my childhood, and perhaps some days there will be postings of those times. But right now, I'm sorting through the pieces around me and the ones on top are the ones I'm focusing on.
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