Small

Its a week after Mother's day,
and I must say the day itself was emotional & eye opening!
I spent the week leading up to Mother's Day creating & uploading a video to youtube.
A Tribute.
For my Mom, I miss her SO much!
It was emotional, full of memories.
Full of love!
I realized as I was creating this video how beautiful my mom was!
Amazing, I spent a majority of my life
cringing when someone said,
"you look like your mom",
arguing that I did NOT look anything like HER!!
Yet, the day after she died,
someone told me that I had her eyes...
I cried & said Thank You!
Funny how quickly that changed!
The video struck the hearts of those I wanted it to.
Even people I wasn't expecting!
The song choices fitting...
at least in my opinion anyway!

So, for the day itself, a small gathering with my sister,
my half brother, & me...
My Brother's wife just had a baby,
was the first time I got to meet the newest angel!
She's BEAUTIFUL!
(of course!)

Anyway, through the course of conversation,
it came up that my brother doesn't appreciate
or like when my sister & I start "bashing"
our step mother.
Especially in his presence.

Fact is,
she was my primary abuser,
she abused my older sister Pam,
developmentally handicapped,
non verbal,
furthest thing from a misbehaving child!
She abused us, not just spanked, but beat us,
with her hands, her fists, with extension chords,
with belts, with whatever she could get her hands on.
So, in my opinion,
I'm entitled to say things, no matter how negative,
about her!
I have avoided saying things about Sharon in front of my brother.
Out of respect to him...
Anyway,
On Mother's Day, he told my sister & I to refrain from
attacking Sharon around him.
That if we have issues with her, or don't like her,
why keep talking to her?
Why call her on her Birthday,
on Mother's Day?

Valid point...
DONE!
She was my primary abuser,
she was the reason my childhood & adolescence was lived in fear!
I've managed to not talk to my own father since Christmas,
does he REALLY think not talking to Sharon will be difficult?

Yes they are my parents,
I realize we all make mistakes as parents.
But the lack of an apology from them
indicates to me that they feel no mistake or errors were made on their part.
In fact is they damaged us!
Specifically
my older sister Pam,
my step brother Craig, to whom I don't speak,
and Me.
So, I will continue to not bad mouth Sharon in front of my brother,
however, to ensure I respect my brother's request,
I will no longer call his mother on her birthday or Mother's day.
EASY!
When she passes I will go to her funeral ONLY to support him,
for HIS loss,
because much like I wasn't hers to love,
she's not mine to mourn!

I realize that we all damage our kids to some extent.
I know we all make mistakes.
But I have a right to choose,
due to the hurt & damage done to me,
not to have them as a part of my life.

My brother may be able to get past or forgive for his truth.


I guess I'm just not that big a person.