Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

That's what it says on shampoo bottles.
Ironically, its how life is too!

I've been going through a fair bit the past few months,
some of it almost duplicating events of the past two years of my life.
Which is a big part of why I've not written.
An excuse, I know it, but its true!
The desire & need to write have been there,
but other things took precedence.

I started struggling with anxiety & panic attacks shortly after ending my marriage.
Not sure why,
I was the one who chose to end it,
but I had them none the less.

Here I am two years later,
medicated.
Anti-depressants,
since starting on them I've had no major anxiety or panic attacks.

However,
I have noticed times recently,
where if I were not medicated,
I'd have a full blown attack.
My entire body gets hot,
top of my head to the tip of my toes,
this wave feeling comes over me, tingling,
I can't really explain it,
its just an odd feeling like something isn't right.

I guess its the feeling I got as a little girl,
I felt like this whenever I was going to get in trouble.
Fear.

That's what my anxiety is, FEAR!!!

Cool, never knew that til now!

A whole bunch of shit fell apart in my world AGAIN,
a lot of it repeating itself,
causing me to have this feeling overwhelm me.

I've gotten through the issues...
Stronger,
without real crisis.
I managed!

Maybe that's why it happened again?
To show me that I am strong,
that I have developed the skills to cope with things.
Things that just two years ago, caused me to fall apart!

I wish I'd seen this as clearly at the time,
because then it wouldn't have felt like my world was falling apart!