I'm Movin On!

WHAT A DAY!!
I have NO clue what the hell is going on in my head today!
I LOVE music beyond words!
It is my escape, my sanity!
I have a million songs rushing through my head today!

Perhaps its the place my life is,
along with where I can see it going...
Either way, I have SO many songs in my brain today, all of them making me emotional!

One song in particular that I can't escape is
"I'm Movin' On"
by Rascal Flatts.

Now to be fair, the very second I first heard this song back in 1999 or 2000 I was connected to it!
I honestly felt that this song was written for me!
The lyrics are so powerful!

So here it is!
I hope someone out there who hasn't already heard the song reads it or hears it & gets the same connection I have to it!

I'm Movin' On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Changes

Alright, here's the story as it sits so far,
I've started writing my letter to my father.
I've discovered that is going to be a longer process than I originally thought!
And rather than not post until that letter is complete, I figured since this is my primary outlet for writing I should still stick with my writing as the need or urge strikes.

So here I am!
OMG I've got so many songs whirling around in my head today!
So many thoughts!

Exciting news in my world,
I've made the decision to go back to school!
Starting February 28th I will be back in a classroom to obtain my LONG overdue high school diploma!
Yep a 40 year old high school student!
I'm most excited about the self esteem I KNOW this is going to give me!
I already know the way this is going to feed my self esteem, the power it will give me to continue onto perhaps a new career or further education!
Power is so so so good for the soul!
I have power right now!
I suppose I should be nervous about this, I mean I haven't been a student in a classroom setting in 23 years!
That's a LONG time!
How do I know I'm going to be able to learn?
How do I know I'll be able to handle the work?
How do I know I can pass?
I know this because the past year and a half of my life has taught me that!
I may not have been in a student in a classroom setting in 23 years,
but I have been the most diligent student of life!
I've done the work, and TRUST me, it was work!
I have learned so much about me,
about those around me,
and about life in the last year that I now know I have the ability to learn anything!
I am so excited, so proud of myself for this step!
I feel like a grown up!
YAY!!

Another big event...
A closed chapter in my life!
I am no longer in counseling!
Odd, I've felt it coming for a while,
I knew the eventual day would be here!
But in 13 months, I've committed to working on myself,
on soul searching, on learning!
In 13 months, I learned a lot!
I met a new wonderful, exciting, happy woman I didn't know!
I met me!
I do so love this version of me,
I love that I know that I will always be working on me.
I will always be growing,
I will always be evolving,
but that at the base, I have an amazing wonderful
idealists view of the world.
I have a very firm grip on reality,
but still optimistic!
I've said it to my boyfriend so many times I'm certain he's tired of hearing it,
but I am SO glad that he met & is getting to know this version of me!

Someone said to me yesterday,
"Please don't change, I like that you have that view!
More people need to hold on to the hope that there is good in everyone!"

Funny, I never saw myself that way til yesterday!
See, growing! Learning!
I'm so sad that I will no longer be seeing my counselor.
She has helped me in ways that I don't know I expected!
I know because I saw a therapist prior to seeing her that the person you see is KEY in your ability to work, to recover!
And she gave me the much needed outlet!

I know that essentially I did the work, but without her guidance,
I believe I would still be a very lost soul!
I was lost all the time,
now, I'm a lot less lost,
my good days far outweigh my bad days,
my bad days are so vastly different than they were a year ago!
So I'm growing up!
I'm mellowing!
I have to say,
I have had the worst, horrible, difficult year imaginable!
I am so thankful for that! It has really given me a clearer perspective!
It has given me so many of the MUCH needed tools along my journey of self discovery!
I'm a strong, vibrant woman!
I really hope at some point, everyone has the kind of year I've had!
I wouldn't trade it for anything!

A Decision

I've been going to group therapy for the past few months.
This particular group is for women who have been abused,
be it in childhood or in marriage/adult relationships.
I'll say that the two definitely seem to be linked!
We are a group of vastly different women,
each with our own unique story, our own baggage to sort through,
our own abuses to overcome.
Yet abuse has bonded us, we get each other!
We know what it feels like to be abused, manipulated, made to feel less than we are.

When we first started this group, the facilitators asked us to write out a time-line of our lives,
including both positive & negative memories.
As I was writing out this time-line I was genuinely shocked at the outcome for me!
I thought going into this group, that I would focus on the abuse I endured at my step-mother's hand.
Or perhaps the abuse throughout my adult relationships!
What I realized & surprised me the most is that I have issue with the abuse from my father!
My step-mother & he are no longer together,
and while she was my primary abuser, I was not hers to love!
I was my fathers, and he failed me!
He didn't hit me nearly as much as she did, I probably could count on one hand the physical incidents with him.
The verbal abuse, the mental attacks, the emotional abuse,
those are the huge scars I carry with me still!
I took part in a psychodrama through my group, and said things to "my dad" that I want to say but don't feel safe doing so...

I've decided JUST THIS SECOND, that I'm going to write a letter to my dad!
I'm going to use this forum to do so, so that way its out in the universe!
My theory is that if someone reads it, hopefully he's someone's dad & realizes how much he's hurt his child.
After my psychodrama I wondered "what if dad doesn't know what he's done?"
Don't I owe it to him to tell him?
To let him know?
Perhaps its not safe to do that, the facilitator pushed me to search WHY I would want to tell him? Why would I say to him all that I'm struggling with, and I'll be honest,
there was a time not so long ago I would have told him just to hurt him, just to make him feel bad or guilty. But the truth is I don't know that he knows what he's done wrong! I don't know that he realizes how he continues to talk to me, the way he treats me. The way he makes me feel.
I hurt because of him, and I think as a parent, I would want to know if I were doing that to my child!!
I love my dad, but its fear based!
Fear, not respect, fear not admire, fear not aspire to be...
in fact, he is everything I hope to never be!
I am by no means a perfect mom, God knows I've made MANY mistakes raising my boys...
I've apologized to them for those mistakes, I'm human!
I realize that my father too is human, and that he too is a product of his upbringing,
but perhaps the fact that he's never apologized to me for the way I was raised, abused, teased at his hand...
perhaps him not acknowledging that there was a LOT of abuse in our home when we were growing up...
Perhaps that's what I need most!
I'm fairly certain as I'm the eldest of my siblings that I remember things that they wouldn't.
So of course my scars would be deeper, would need more repair!
I want to KNOW that my dad knows what he did to me!
I want to know that he loves me...
So I've made the decision to write to my father...
A letter to Dad will my next posting...
Scary really, considering I'm crying as I write this & I've not even begun to address my father personally!

I do want to add to this before I post,
there WERE happy memories of my childhood, and perhaps some days there will be postings of those times. But right now, I'm sorting through the pieces around me and the ones on top are the ones I'm focusing on.

Self Worth

A-Ha Moments,
I have them ALL the time!!
Especially this past year!
Personal growth = clarity!
What's surprised me most is where the moments come from!
Different places all the time!

One of the MOST profound things I ever heard another human say came from Marie Osmond!
While on the Oprah Winfrey Show, she was being interviewed about her sons death,
tragic, but Oprah had asked about her divorce, Marie commented VERY briefly about the marriage
but followed it with the statement...
"You marry at the level of your self esteem, have self worth"

I was BLOWN away! Truly!
I would take that so far as even dating or selecting friends!!
I deserve to be in a peaceful, loving relationship with a man who treats me with respect.
Who makes me happy!
I wouldn't be friends with someone who abused me or called me names!
So WHY would I stay in a relationship with someone who does those things?
I love Marie Osmond for that moment!
I will live the rest of my days holding a higher standard of my partner!
I have often wondered if I was mistaken in ending my marriage,
it hurt my boys, it clearly had affected me!
What I didn't realize I suppose is that I wasn't sure how to not be in an abusive relationship!
I didn't know how to not have someone call me names or put me down all the time!
I'm stronger now!
I suppose I was always strong...
had to survive somehow!

More A-ha moments to follow I'm sure!!

For Starters...

Okay, so where do you start something like this?
I'm not even sure if I'm writing to someone or just writing for the sake of writing!
I imagine it will take various forms every time!

As an introduction, because I'm sure at some point someone is going to read this...
My name is Tracy, I am a now 40 year old woman, separated after a 16 year marriage to a man that I married for all the wrong reasons!

I've titled this blog "A Million Unbroken Pieces" because I'm tired of thinking of myself as broken...
so perhaps I'm just a complex woman with a million pieces...

I have had what has been described by those who know me best as a hard life.
I was physically & mentally abused as a child, by my step mother primarily & some by my father.
I of course went on to fall into abusive relationships...
After ending my marriage, which was not good for either of us or our children (3)
I fell apart... a break down I suppose.
Panic or anxiety attacks, depression, a real hard time!
After taking just over a year to work on myself,
I've learned a great deal, how could I not?
I am so proud of what I've learned about me, about why I am who I am, why I've made the choices I've made in my life.
I at no time am absolving myself of any responsibility in my life choices,
however, those of us emotionally & mentally abused know how we live up to our expectations!
We get called fat often enough we'll become it!
Call me stupid enough, I'll believe it!
Tell me I can't do or don't deserve better,
I won't try for it!
We live what we're taught!

I have a few things in my life that I am passionate about,
first & foremost is music...
I assure you I'm pretty much always listening to music!
I LOVE lyrics!
In fact don't be surprised if I just post song lyrics here some days,
its just something that touches or moves me!
Second is photography,
I'm really new to the photography thing,
I have a wonderful camera,
one I'm still getting to know better.
She's with me all the time!
(Yes, my camera is a she, and she has a name!)
I am a very open minded person,
laid back,
HONEST to a fault!
I am DONE beyond done with anger!
I have NO room in my life for it,
spent 19 years angry all the time,
over it!
I want love, calm, & peace in my life now!
I need to avoid people who trigger the anger,
my ex & my father are these types of people.
I left the ex, can't leave my father!
Good thing he lives in another province & I only see him once a year!
Anyway, I'm going to sign off now, I expect I'll be filling in blanks as I go...

I'm so excited about doing this, I hope this provides the outlet I suspect it will!