Back to Living!

Okay, so life takes many twists and turns.
What I wasn't expecting was the recent turn my life took!
I had it in my head that I was going to go back to school,
to obtain my LONG overdue high school diploma!

That's changed!
I applied for a job last Friday,
got a phone call & completed my phone interview on Monday,
had an interview on Tuesday,
where I had the interviewer compliment me numerous times,
saying she could tell that I knew my stuff,
that I was no one's dummy.
I was called a superstar!
Now I'm not a kid,
I know that she probably uses phrases like that a lot in the interview process.
However,
today when she called me to tell me I indeed did have the job,
and would be starting on April 11th.
She also said to me that it was by far the best interview she'd ever been a part of!
I thanked her, she said no, it was her pleasure!

I lack a piece of paper,
I know that!
But I also know I have skills.
Serious skills that can't be taught in a classroom setting!
I am very proud of myself, that in less than a week I obtained employment with one resume!

The decision wasn't difficult either!
I needed to take control of my life.
I felt like I was sitting on the sidelines watching,
falling into yet another depression waiting for life to happen!
I'm 40, I'm NOT dumb!
I am a literate, intelligent, skilled woman!
And that can't be faked!

The interviewer herself told me in interview that she would be surprised if I was still in the same position in 6 months, and that in 5 years she fully expects to see me in upper management!
Its nice to know that others see me in this way.

I felt as though I've been faking it for so long.
Now, I know who I am, SO SO SO much more than I did over a year ago!
And I know that a lack of a diploma, does not define me!
Yes, I have to work to show people that,
but really, they don't know unless I tell them!

I am unbelievably happy & excited.
Happy I took control.
Excited about a new chapter!
Excited to be living again!

Filling My Well

Today I read every blog entry on here.
I mean I always read back once I post it,
and typically I read it out loud and cry.
Reading it out loud is very cathartic for me,
its like putting it out into the universe for everyone to hear.
Perhaps that's why I've chosen this method of blogging as opposed to a personal online journal!
Putting it out into the universe is like a release for me!

So with reading everything back,
something occurred to me.
I did something to attempt to fill my empty well for myself last summer,
after I'd finished dating my toxic friend.
I had written out a page of affirmations for myself.

It took some searching to find it, but I located it,
going to share it here.
Its going to sound a lot like that little girl standing in front of her mirror saying I love this... I love that... but not quite!

I titled it,

What I know to be true about me.

loyal friend
good mother
loving
caring
young at heart
boisterous
affectionate
empathetic
positive
optimistic
generous
tender
honest
sincere
selfless
kind
intelligent
funny
trusting
trustful
confident
strong
calm
musical
artistic
appreciative
excellent aunt
family oriented
sensitive
silly
humourous
emotional
admirable
leader
powerful
deserving
friendly
outgoing
thoughtful
spiritual
tender
open
respectful
straight forward
forgiving
adventurous
insightful
expressive

SURVIVOR!
I am a survivor,
I've survived a lot,
yet I still posses these characteristics!
Perhaps because of my difficult life, not in spite of it,
I posses these characteristics!

I bring all of this to my relationships & friendships.
I should expect the same from others!

I need to read this list more often!
I need to believe these things to be true every day!
I know, logically, I posses these characteristics daily,
yet I struggle to find them some days.

I imagine some day in the future,
I'll sit down to read my blog and come across this one.
When that day comes I hope I can see how far I've come.
I hope I can dip into my own full well for any self assurance,
self acceptance, love, kindness that I seek.
One day!

Walking Away

I did something this week that I should have done in September.
I severed ties with someone who was & is really toxic for me.
I dated him, if you can call it that,
for a couple months.
He was extremely emotionally abusive,
even after the relationship ended he continued to verbally attack my character,
attempted to attack my emotional well being.
The sad part is I was allowing him to do so!
I've deleted & blocked him from my contacts so he can't contact me online.
Sadly he knows where I live, he knows my phone numbers.
I will ignore any attempts by him in the future to contact me.
It occurs to me, and of course this isn't news to the rest of the world,
but it occurs to me that so long as I allow him to talk to me the way he does, so long as I allow him to continue his cycle of abuse, he will continue to do so!
Now I've done my part.
I know why I've allowed it so long, I'm afraid of rejection!
No one likes rejection,
but for some stupid reason I feel its okay to be treated as a second class citizen by someone so that they won't reject me.
I need to stand up for me!
I need to know & believe that I do not deserve to be treated poorly or attacked by anyone!
This is harder than you would think or expect!
I mean I've been taught my whole life that I wasn't good enough!
I've been verbally attacked my whole life,
this is an incredibly difficult cycle to break!
I'm doing it!

I know that people will treat me the way I allow them to.
So, I've not spoke to my father since Christmas,
its odd really, no falling out, no argument,
I think he can sense that I don't want him in my life!
I mean a lot has gone on his life since then,
and previously, he would have called me to unload.
He's called both my sister & brother & told them, but me...
not a thing!
This is not a complaint, don't get me wrong.
I think that the beginning of laying boundaries in my life will be easier with the distance.

I've spent so much of my life with the impression that if someone was mad at me
they attacked me, both verbally and physically.
I broke the physical abuse cycle a while ago.
I think the mental & verbal abuse is a little more difficult to stop.
It means that if someone is doing that to me,
I need to be able to tell them to stop, or walk away!
Walking away is where the true challenge is for me.
I suppose the need to be liked, accepted, or valued is too strong in me,
I realize that these are things I should be able to provide for myself,
but having not been given the tools to do this, makes it difficult.
It has made this period of self discovery that much more important!

I had a conversation with my sister the other day about this very topic.
I expressed a concern that because these are skills I've not been given or taught,
that I, in turn,
am failing to provide my children with these tools.
She assured me that I am doing everything to teach them.
They're aware of the work I'm doing to improve myself,
to grow emotionally & psychologically.
I don't stroke my own ego very well,
but I do consider myself a good mother.
Of course I had to make some BIG mistakes raising my first born to feel that I'm better for my younger two!
I think that realizing & accepting & apologizing for those mistakes helped greatly!

I walked away this week...
I can't live my life with this person constantly attacking me!
He would attack and I would give in and play the game.
All the while I'm getting hurt.
So, why play if it hurts?

Next up...
Dad!

Empty Wells

Okay,
so Marie Osmond gave me that absolutely BRILLIANT A-Ha moment,
truly one I will carry with me for the remainder of my days.
But one question...
How do I find self worth?
How do I build it up?
How do I believe I'm special, wonderful, worthy, if I don't have a base or foundation for it?
How do I create something I have no knowledge of?
I am more than capable of building up confidence in others,
in feeding the egos & self esteem of those closest to me.
I'm good at it too!
So why is it that I'm so incapable of doing so for myself?
Logically, I know I need to make me a priority to myself.
I know that I need to take time for me everyday,
doing things to build my self esteem,
to help me know that I'm worth it,
that I deserve better.
That I deserve to be happy.
I've gotten good at looking back at my life,
such as it is,
and see the patterns of abuse.
I can see the common threads that link my past abusers.
I can see how,
the way I was treated as a child has me conditioned to choose people in my life that aren't able to give me all that I need.

I recently watched an interview with Meridith Baxter,
an actress (Family Ties) who is now an author.
Anyway, this interview was SO helpful for me!
She shared something that had been told to her at a 12-step meeting.

"As children,
we are wired to go to our parents for sustenance,
love and to be nurtured,
its like going to the well.
But some parents wells are empty,
they're not empty at us,
they're just empty."

I realize after hearing this that my father's well is empty, and its not just empty for me, its empty to whoever goes to that well looking for love.
Could be why he's in his 60's & single!

But I can see a trend or pattern of gravitating towards people who's wells aren't full!
Yet my well is empty, not for others, but for myself.
My parents never taught me the importance of being me, of making myself a priority,
so here I am, as much as I want to believe I'm "unbroken",
I'm broken!
I need to learn how to fix me!
So my plan is to work on the little things,
maybe a proper bed time,
no more late nights.
A schedule of sorts,
a daily to-do list!
Perhaps that will force me to make myself a priority!
I'm tired,
of feeling less than everyone else.
I can't wait to start the next phase of my life, the education process.
I know that chapter will aide me in my self confidence,
in filling my own well.
I'm tired of feeling sad!

Something Special

I've been in group therapy since October of 2010.
I've mentioned this group before,
we're all survivors of abuse.
I will state that there seems to be a commonality among the women,
that the abuse we endured as children lead us to then go on to marriages of the same caliber!

I have a very high pain tolerance.
I really do,
I can take a shot from the biggest of men,
in fact, I'd go blow for blow with a full grown man,
and have for that matter!

I remember one instance when I was in grade 8, so that's what?
13?
I had an older teenage boy kick the shit out of me,
and I mean KICK!!
Running kicks, round houses, the whole works!
Not sure why, it was a matter of he said she said shit, but I stood there & took it.
Didn't shed a tear, just stood, I refused to fall!
When he was done & took off I started to walk home, and in turn, started to bawl my eyes out!
I stopped crying before getting home, can't risk someone there finding out what was happening outside, or I'd never be allowed out!
I learned that day that I don't bruise easily!

Anyway, back to my story...
Actually, its all my story!

I was seriously physically abused growing up, primarily by my step mother,
also by my father.
But my deepest scars, biggest bruises,
they come from the emotional & mental abuse I've endured!

My marriage was abusive.
Physically, emotionally, mentally.
(I'm not completely innocent in all this)
Again, the biggest scars & bruises come from the emotional & mental!

I struggle greatly with my self confidence as a result of this!

Today was the second last session for my group.
I am very afraid of being therapy free.

Wait, does my psychiatrist count as therapy?
Yeah, of course he does!
So, we're going from weekly therapy to monthly!
I can handle that!

Today in group we were forced to look at our trauma's in a different light.
What have we gained from our trauma's?
What positives, negatives, how its changed us.
What got us through those hard times...
Many different things.

I've been spending a life time questioning these very things!
Truthfully, the past year & half of my life, its been my full time job!
I am a VERY self aware person!
I am aware of my downfalls,
I am also brutally aware of my many shining attributes!

I am aware of how strong I am because of what I've endured.
I also have been a TRUE optimist since as far back as I remember!
I remember hearing things like
"that which does not kill you makes you stronger"
and taking it to heart!
Much like my Marie Osmond A-Ha moment,
my life is full of them!
I've been a very eager sponge absorbing everything I needed to cope!
I've surrounded myself with people that validated me, empathized with me.
Didn't feel sorry for me, but empathized!
I was also very fortunate to have people guide me,
try to help me.
And I clung to that little optimistic girl!
I do so love my rose coloured glasses!

I know that without a doubt, my natural, god given gift of optimism is why and how I've survived 40 years!
It is what has left my eyes & soul open to the abundance of A-Ha moments that hit me.
it is what has left me open to listen to music, to lyric and not just hear them, but feel them!
I've lived a hard life,
and with each difficulty I learned!
I remember thinking as my parents would beat or berate one of us,
I swear I will NEVER do this to my kids...
Now I'm not naive, I know we all say that,
but I don't do it to mine!
I don't hit or insult or attack my kids.
I do my best to support them, to help them.
Give them responsibilities & consequences,
give them boundaries.
They in turn, become stronger, healthier people.
I will always strive to be the parent I failed to have,
I've failed at times,
but I've admitted my failures to my children, and most importantly to myself!

I'm always going to grow, going to learn, its inevitable!

I know next week will be challenging walking away from these women!
I will miss them greatly,
probably not individually I'll admit.
But the group as a whole,
we've grown together,
I think that's something special!