Looking Beyond the Closed Door

Okay,
I think I'm more convinced than ever before that I'm a strong woman.
That the depression and all I've endured have given me a strength that I wasn't fully aware of.
Well, not til now anyway!
Allow me to explain.

I started a new job April 11th.
I was pretty happy about it too!
Brought back my sense of pride, dignity,
gave me my self worth back!

Friday July 15th, 2011,
my employer IQT Solutions,
a call centre that handled phone calls for Bell Canada,
went into receivership.

This is how we were informed...

I went into work, just before 10am,
I wasn't scheduled to work until 10:45.
When I went in, all of my co-workers were having some system "down-time".
Basically,
NONE of our tools provided to us by Bell,
were working.
I'd been told before that it did happen from time to time,
however this was not the norm.
Everyone was in a fairly good mood considering we had yet to get our pay.
(it was payday!)
Around 12:00pm the director of our site walked around telling us all to pack up our things,
everything!
To meet him downstairs, he would explain it to us.
Of course there were rumours spreading,
gossip, speculations.
Sadly they all were accurate!

This is what we were told,
"at 10:00 this morning IQT went into receivership,
at 10:05, Bell Canada pulled their contract.
There is no pay, you will NOT be getting your pay cheques.
I strongly recommend you go to the labour board in regard to this matter!"

So, there I stood,
outside,
unemployed,
looking around at my former co-workers,
some crying,
some with blank looks,
some blood boiling.
I could hear comments such as,
"what are we going to do to pay our bills?"
"how do we get our money owed to us?"
"yay, summer off!"

Sure, those thoughts were in my head,
but the most predominant thought in my head?
Standing outside with the 600+ former co-workers,
"I have to compete with this many more people for a job!"
This is a VERY difficult time for job searching,
its a difficult time to be unemployed!

I was and am mad about my money!
I will follow process to get it!
I have a legal right to it!
So I came home and called the labour board,
filed a form online,
once I know more about who the trustee is for this case,
I will file for something called Wage Earner Protection,
a program offered to employees,
protection!

I contacted social services,
I contacted an agency that I know aids in finding employment!

On Saturday,
I handed out more resume's.

On Monday morning, at 8am,
my former co-workers are all meeting up at our former place of employment,
with the intention of banding together,
then heading to the local office for the Labour Board.
Everyone is going,
except me.

I have a job interview at 11am.
My priority is to find a job,
to get a pay cheque again!
Something that will make the fight with IQT and the trustee bearable!

I am SO much stronger now than I was 2 years ago!
This is a situation that could very well have affected my ability to function!
I would have coiled up, cried, given up!
Instead, I was proactive,
more I was ACTIVE in doing what I HAVE to do!

I often doubt my strength!
I know I shouldn't,
I know, especially now, that I am a very powerful force when it comes down to it!

I'm going to my job interview on Monday,
its a customer service based job,
one that some would consider menial,
but I know its one I will excel at!
My ideal job?
HELL NO!
But it will help pay bills!

I refused to allow this to knock me down!
I was telling those crying,
"this door closed, clear your eyes, look at the door that opened!"

I can't believe how calm I've been in all this!
I'm proud of me!
It's been such a difficult journey to get me here!

durhamregion.com had an article about what happened to us.
To read it, click
HERE

Also, a youtube video someone made...
HERE

A Montreal news paper, as IQT had 2 offices in Montreal!
HERE

On to my next chapter...

Where's the Humour?

Here I sit, it's July!!
Where the hell did the year go?

I didn't write in June at all.
I've been pretty busy lately with work.
An excuse, for sure, but a valid one!
So June was an interesting month for me...
Father's Day.
I chose not to call my father.


See,
my father had this running "joke" all through my childhood.
Sadly, it was a joke that only he found funny,
especially as I got older.

My cousin Natalie is considerably younger than me.
She's the daughter of my Dad's youngest brother Gordie.
When Natalie was little... 2-4 ish... I was around 10-12ish.
(TOTAL guess on ages!)

It was brought to everyone's attention how much Natalie looked like me when I was little.
Identical in fact!

So my father chose to start the stupid rumour or joke,
that when he was at work my Mom & Uncle were having an affair.
Why else would Natalie look so much like me?
He continued to make comments to that effect my whole life.
To the extent that when my Uncle passed,
my father called me to tell me...
"your father died"
SO SO SO FUNNY!!
I fail to find the humour in this... maybe I'm too close to the situation!

So since clearly my father died a few years ago,
I don't need to call him on Father's Day, or his birthday for that matter.

I had a talk with my sister this past week.
She & Dad had apparently talked this past week...

He asked her what was up with me,
complained that I didn't call him on Father's Day,
so apparently he's noticed my absence.
Why do people do that?
If you want to know why I'm not talking to you,
ASK ME!!
Don't ask someone else,
what a horrible position to put the other person in!

It really doesn't matter, he won't ask me why I haven't called or anything,
and I know for certain its because he KNOWS he won't like the answer.
I would tell him,
and as much as it would hurt him,
that's not why I'd tell him.
However its why I'm not calling him to tell him.
I don't want it to be for the WRONG reasons.
But if he calls, then gloves off,
truth WILL come out!

I don't fear him being mad at me,
because I've accepted that it doesn't matter what I do or say.
I'm wrong, I will never be right,
I will never make the right decisions by him.
I said to my sister that he doesn't care that I'm upset with him,
or care that I'm hurting.
He only cares about himself.
So why is it wrong that I've decided I no longer care how he feels?

My sister said she's worried about how my decision to cut him out of my life will affect me when he passes away.
I genuinely don't know...
but the funny part,
the BEST part...
right now,
I don't care!

I have lived the first 40 years of my life in anger,
in fear,
never feeling good enough!

I think I deserve to keep away from those that will hurt me.
Be it physically, emotionally, mentally,
I've made the decision to make my life from this point forward about me!!

Yes, I still cry for the father I know I will never have.
To be honest,
when he does pass away,
that will be what I mourn most!

But you can't really miss something you've never had,
can you?

(yay!! I wrote this without a single tear!)

Forgiveness

Someone asked me last week if I'd forgiven my father
for all he's done to me,
for all he's allowed to be done to me.

My answer was no.
Still is actually.

That question has forced me to ask myself why!
I have forgiven my ex for his part in our relationship
and the inevitable demise of it.
I have forgiven others for betraying trust,
for breaking my heart,
for saying hurtful things!
I've forgiven my mother for so many things over the years!
My sister & I have not always been as close as we are now.
To get to the relationship we have now, we had to forgive each other many things!

So tell me...
why can't I forgive my father?
My only logical answer to that is he's never asked for it.
He at no point apologized for the way he treats us.
He at no point has told me he loved me.
So how can I forgive?

I realize that forgiveness is for oneself,
and not the one in need of forgiving.

I just can't do it!

My mom has said & done some pretty stupid,
immature things throughout the course of our relationship.
We got past it by talking about it,
by apologizing,
and by forgiving.
By reminding the other of our love.

Same with my sister & friends.
We communicate.

I can't talk to my father,
I can't tell him what he's done.
I can't ask him to apologize,
so I can't forgive him.

I realize that when he's passed away,
I will, in the solitude of my room,
through my own unique mourning process,
speak with my father.
In that time I will ensure that he knows what he's done to me.
How he's made me feel.
I know his passing will be difficult.
Probably more so because I can't forgive him.
Mostly, however, because he will never REALLY know.


Does anyone have suggestions?
Suggestions on how to forgive someone something that,
no matter how you try,
you can't let go of?

I think I'm supposed to be able to let go of the abuse,
to let the hurt go.
But I just can't!
I guess I feel like if I do that it will invalidate what really happened!
I know. without a doubt,
that this is one scenario where I do not have to apologize.

Wikipedia describes forgiveness as
the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

I don't feel resentment, more hurt & anger.
I don't know that I'm seeking punishment or restitution,
I don't know what it is,
where I'm at.
I know I feel powerless.
I suppose forgiveness,
if I can find it
will free me of that feeling!

I think I'm not religious enough for that kind of forgiveness.

A-Ha Again!

A-HA Moment!!

Today I read the most profound statement,
it kind of goes with my decision to not have my father in my life.
To not pretend with my step mother.

"Hanging on to someone in your life who isn't adding value isn't loyalty -
its stupidity."

What an enlightening idea.
I have no clue where the quote originated from,
I just know that the very second I read it,
I related!
No mater the relationship,
no matter the person,
if they aren't adding value to my life,
see ya!

Toxic people,
people who don't nurture my soul,
people who don't bring to me as much as I give to them,
I don't need you!

Dad,
Sharon,
friends who think they can drain my emotions.

No drama,
no fuss,
no toxins in my life.

Small

Its a week after Mother's day,
and I must say the day itself was emotional & eye opening!
I spent the week leading up to Mother's Day creating & uploading a video to youtube.
A Tribute.
For my Mom, I miss her SO much!
It was emotional, full of memories.
Full of love!
I realized as I was creating this video how beautiful my mom was!
Amazing, I spent a majority of my life
cringing when someone said,
"you look like your mom",
arguing that I did NOT look anything like HER!!
Yet, the day after she died,
someone told me that I had her eyes...
I cried & said Thank You!
Funny how quickly that changed!
The video struck the hearts of those I wanted it to.
Even people I wasn't expecting!
The song choices fitting...
at least in my opinion anyway!

So, for the day itself, a small gathering with my sister,
my half brother, & me...
My Brother's wife just had a baby,
was the first time I got to meet the newest angel!
She's BEAUTIFUL!
(of course!)

Anyway, through the course of conversation,
it came up that my brother doesn't appreciate
or like when my sister & I start "bashing"
our step mother.
Especially in his presence.

Fact is,
she was my primary abuser,
she abused my older sister Pam,
developmentally handicapped,
non verbal,
furthest thing from a misbehaving child!
She abused us, not just spanked, but beat us,
with her hands, her fists, with extension chords,
with belts, with whatever she could get her hands on.
So, in my opinion,
I'm entitled to say things, no matter how negative,
about her!
I have avoided saying things about Sharon in front of my brother.
Out of respect to him...
Anyway,
On Mother's Day, he told my sister & I to refrain from
attacking Sharon around him.
That if we have issues with her, or don't like her,
why keep talking to her?
Why call her on her Birthday,
on Mother's Day?

Valid point...
DONE!
She was my primary abuser,
she was the reason my childhood & adolescence was lived in fear!
I've managed to not talk to my own father since Christmas,
does he REALLY think not talking to Sharon will be difficult?

Yes they are my parents,
I realize we all make mistakes as parents.
But the lack of an apology from them
indicates to me that they feel no mistake or errors were made on their part.
In fact is they damaged us!
Specifically
my older sister Pam,
my step brother Craig, to whom I don't speak,
and Me.
So, I will continue to not bad mouth Sharon in front of my brother,
however, to ensure I respect my brother's request,
I will no longer call his mother on her birthday or Mother's day.
EASY!
When she passes I will go to her funeral ONLY to support him,
for HIS loss,
because much like I wasn't hers to love,
she's not mine to mourn!

I realize that we all damage our kids to some extent.
I know we all make mistakes.
But I have a right to choose,
due to the hurt & damage done to me,
not to have them as a part of my life.

My brother may be able to get past or forgive for his truth.


I guess I'm just not that big a person.

Moments

I'm pretty sure I've said in the past that some days song lyrics might be the only thing I post...

This is one of those days!
itunes on shuffle,
This song comes on,
I love it!
I feel some of the lyrics so strongly!
I've had My Moments!

Moments
Emerson Drive

I was coming to the end of a long long walk
When a man crawled out of a cardboard box
Under the E. Street Bridge
Followed me on to it
I went out halfway across
With that homeless shadow tagging along
So I dug for some change
Wouldn't need it anyway
He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed
He said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that plane ride coming home from the war
That summer my son was born
And memories like a coat so warm
A cold wind can't get through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I stood there tryin' to find my nerve
Wondering if a single soul on Earth
Would care at all
Miss me when I'm gone
That old man just kept hanging around
Lookin' at me, lookin' down
I think he recognized
That look in my eyes
Standing with him there I felt ashamed
I said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like the day I walked away from the wine
For a woman who became my wife
And a love that, when it was right,
Could always see me through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I know somewhere 'round a trashcan fire tonight
That old man tells his story one more time
He says

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I've had my moments
I've had my moments

Father Rainey

Coming from a large family,
you already have to compete with your siblings for attention.
Now,
imagine for a minute that the only attention you got was negative!
Was a verbal attack,
a physical attack.

My step mother's favorite thing to do was grab me by my throat.
that was fun just after I had my tonsils removed.
Tasted blood for days,
couldn't talk,
perhaps that's what she wanted!

The names ranged from fat, stupid, useless, idiot,
to some more colourful, profane adjectives.

How is a young girl hearing those things on an ongoing basis
supposed to survive?
How is she supposed to come out of that home & not be broken?
How does she go on to become a mom & in turn NOT do the same to her children.
How does she not grow up to be a very angry person?
I spent 19 years in a relationship that angered me.

I ended my marriage,
but the anger didn't go away!
I was still so angry,
all the time,
at every little thing!
Of course I wouldn't show the anger to the majority of people that knew me.
A well kept secret.
My sister asked me why I was still so angry at my ex.
It was then that I stopped and gave thought, reflected.

I wasn't mad at him,
I was mad at me for staying so long.
Once I let go of THAT anger
it freed me up to look at the other areas of my life
where anger consumed me.
Dad!
I see my step mother maybe once a year,
I put on a fake smile,
pretend I give a shit,
pretend like she gives a shit,
and go on...
With my dad,
I can't do it!
I can't pretend with him!

I will admit that not talking to him at all has freed me of a lot of anger.
Its really only when I see him or speak to him that I get angry.
I do lash out when I'm angry,
sadly its misdirected anger.

My kids can tell when I've spoke to my father,
I yell,
my mood changes instantly.
I was feeling bad for not talking to my father,
I don't know if my sisters intention was to make me feel bad,
but I did.
But I'm taking that back!
Why should I talk to him if its only going to hurt me or cause me anger?
I can choose to live a life without anger!
Sadly,
that may include a life without my father.

I was watching TV this weekend,
there were some wonderful father/daughter relationships.

I cry when I see these,
where a girl says her Dad is her hero,
he's the best,
or he hugs her & kisses her & tells her he loves her.
Its genuine, I can tell,
because my relationship is strained at best!
I cry,
not because I'm happy for them,
but sad for me.
Sad for what I'm lacking!

I remember in high school, latching onto male teachers,
male guidance counselors,
to look to them for the support I so desperately needed.
Thankfully, I had an amazing guidance counselor.
A priest!
Father Rainey.
I do often wonder where he is, how he is!
I mean without him, I wouldn't have survived!

I was completely oblivious to the fact that
the guidance office was there to assist you with your
post secondary education!

He listened,
he supported me,
he helped me.
I spent HOURS in his office.
Unloading,
trying so hard to get a grown up to listen!
He did that!
Not only did he listen,
he believed me!
He even assisted me with finding group homes,
setting up appointments,
to get myself out of my parent's home.
To get myself the help I so desperately needed!
One day,
things at home erupted,
I ended up blurting out to my step mother
mid beating that I was doing this,
looking for a group home.
The look on her face was amazing!
Shock...

My dad was in the living room while I was getting my beating,
EPIC FAIL!

He asked me what the hell I was doing.
So I told him,
explained that my guidance office was aware of everything going on at home.
To say he was livid would be a vast understatement.
I got the cold shoulder,
not only from her, but him as well.
When he did speak to me it was only to attack me verbally.

He even told me to tell the group homes,
when I go to talk to them,
that when they ask where he is in all the abuse,
to tell them that my dad is dead,
I killed him by stabbing him in the back.

So I chickened out of leaving home.
Only to get kicked out just after my 17th birthday.

No apology has ever been given.
Its my fault,
if you ask my father about the events leading up to me being kicked out,
he'll tell you it was my fault.
I think he's right,
it is my fault,
I should have followed through with the group homes.
I should have put me first back then.