Moments

I'm pretty sure I've said in the past that some days song lyrics might be the only thing I post...

This is one of those days!
itunes on shuffle,
This song comes on,
I love it!
I feel some of the lyrics so strongly!
I've had My Moments!

Moments
Emerson Drive

I was coming to the end of a long long walk
When a man crawled out of a cardboard box
Under the E. Street Bridge
Followed me on to it
I went out halfway across
With that homeless shadow tagging along
So I dug for some change
Wouldn't need it anyway
He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed
He said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that plane ride coming home from the war
That summer my son was born
And memories like a coat so warm
A cold wind can't get through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I stood there tryin' to find my nerve
Wondering if a single soul on Earth
Would care at all
Miss me when I'm gone
That old man just kept hanging around
Lookin' at me, lookin' down
I think he recognized
That look in my eyes
Standing with him there I felt ashamed
I said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like the day I walked away from the wine
For a woman who became my wife
And a love that, when it was right,
Could always see me through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I know somewhere 'round a trashcan fire tonight
That old man tells his story one more time
He says

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I've had my moments
I've had my moments

Father Rainey

Coming from a large family,
you already have to compete with your siblings for attention.
Now,
imagine for a minute that the only attention you got was negative!
Was a verbal attack,
a physical attack.

My step mother's favorite thing to do was grab me by my throat.
that was fun just after I had my tonsils removed.
Tasted blood for days,
couldn't talk,
perhaps that's what she wanted!

The names ranged from fat, stupid, useless, idiot,
to some more colourful, profane adjectives.

How is a young girl hearing those things on an ongoing basis
supposed to survive?
How is she supposed to come out of that home & not be broken?
How does she go on to become a mom & in turn NOT do the same to her children.
How does she not grow up to be a very angry person?
I spent 19 years in a relationship that angered me.

I ended my marriage,
but the anger didn't go away!
I was still so angry,
all the time,
at every little thing!
Of course I wouldn't show the anger to the majority of people that knew me.
A well kept secret.
My sister asked me why I was still so angry at my ex.
It was then that I stopped and gave thought, reflected.

I wasn't mad at him,
I was mad at me for staying so long.
Once I let go of THAT anger
it freed me up to look at the other areas of my life
where anger consumed me.
Dad!
I see my step mother maybe once a year,
I put on a fake smile,
pretend I give a shit,
pretend like she gives a shit,
and go on...
With my dad,
I can't do it!
I can't pretend with him!

I will admit that not talking to him at all has freed me of a lot of anger.
Its really only when I see him or speak to him that I get angry.
I do lash out when I'm angry,
sadly its misdirected anger.

My kids can tell when I've spoke to my father,
I yell,
my mood changes instantly.
I was feeling bad for not talking to my father,
I don't know if my sisters intention was to make me feel bad,
but I did.
But I'm taking that back!
Why should I talk to him if its only going to hurt me or cause me anger?
I can choose to live a life without anger!
Sadly,
that may include a life without my father.

I was watching TV this weekend,
there were some wonderful father/daughter relationships.

I cry when I see these,
where a girl says her Dad is her hero,
he's the best,
or he hugs her & kisses her & tells her he loves her.
Its genuine, I can tell,
because my relationship is strained at best!
I cry,
not because I'm happy for them,
but sad for me.
Sad for what I'm lacking!

I remember in high school, latching onto male teachers,
male guidance counselors,
to look to them for the support I so desperately needed.
Thankfully, I had an amazing guidance counselor.
A priest!
Father Rainey.
I do often wonder where he is, how he is!
I mean without him, I wouldn't have survived!

I was completely oblivious to the fact that
the guidance office was there to assist you with your
post secondary education!

He listened,
he supported me,
he helped me.
I spent HOURS in his office.
Unloading,
trying so hard to get a grown up to listen!
He did that!
Not only did he listen,
he believed me!
He even assisted me with finding group homes,
setting up appointments,
to get myself out of my parent's home.
To get myself the help I so desperately needed!
One day,
things at home erupted,
I ended up blurting out to my step mother
mid beating that I was doing this,
looking for a group home.
The look on her face was amazing!
Shock...

My dad was in the living room while I was getting my beating,
EPIC FAIL!

He asked me what the hell I was doing.
So I told him,
explained that my guidance office was aware of everything going on at home.
To say he was livid would be a vast understatement.
I got the cold shoulder,
not only from her, but him as well.
When he did speak to me it was only to attack me verbally.

He even told me to tell the group homes,
when I go to talk to them,
that when they ask where he is in all the abuse,
to tell them that my dad is dead,
I killed him by stabbing him in the back.

So I chickened out of leaving home.
Only to get kicked out just after my 17th birthday.

No apology has ever been given.
Its my fault,
if you ask my father about the events leading up to me being kicked out,
he'll tell you it was my fault.
I think he's right,
it is my fault,
I should have followed through with the group homes.
I should have put me first back then.

Strength

Going back to my "Filling My Well" blog entry,
I look at the rather lengthy list of adjectives & I think,
WOW...
that person sounds like a good person...
49 wonderful characteristics,
49 beautiful things!
22nd on the list is strong.
I know I'm strong,
I feel it.
I mean a weak person would have given up,
would have stayed in an unhappy marriage.
I chose to do the hard thing,
I chose to pick me over everything else.
By choosing the path I did,
I fell apart.
I suppose you could say I hit bottom...
I know that my bottom is very different than someone else's bottom.
Just as my truth is different than anyone else's.
I had to be strong in the moment that I decided to end my marriage.
I'm proud of me for doing so!
I spoke to some friends that have known how unhappy I was for a long time.
They're not surprised that I ended my marriage,
more that it took me so long to do it!
So here I sit now,
on the other side of depression,
feeling like I've hit my own personal bottom,
of course I'm well past that point now.
But I've seen bottom.
I lost a lot I think in that,
Humility, gone.
Pride, gone.
Self-worth, gone.
The thing is though,
in the midst of losing all that,
I somehow found myself.
Oddly enough,
its not at all the me I thought I was in the beginning of it all.
Its a much better,
smarter,
happier me!
I have a contentment in myself that I didn't have a year and a half ago!
I know without doubt that as each day passes,
I learn more about me,
I see the growth within me.
I feel it!
I am strong,
I know that I may not be the strongest person,
but I'm stronger than I was before!
And I think that's something amazing,
I'm kinda proud of me for it too!
It helps that I do have some friends,
very important to me that tell me they're proud of me.
For surviving all I've survived,
for taking the time to do the work,
for making me my number 1 priority!

The dictionary defines the word strength as;

moral power, firmness, or courage
power of resisting force, strain, wear

I don't know that I'm courageous or powerful,
I am me!
Learning to accept me as enough.
Or trying to anyway!

My Truth

Today I don't feel broken.
Its been a pretty good day today.
I've seen a good, positive version of me today!
Yesterday a good friend of mine called me & we got to catch up,
I got to talk to her about some of what I'm dealing with regarding my dad.
I told her that I've been REALLY struggling with a lot of nightmares or bad dreams lately.
One commonality in them is my father.
Some are of him berating me,
a verbal attack,
more of the same of what I've grown up with,
of what I've tolerated my whole life.
Some are of a huge falling out with the family because of my father & me.
My sister & I were fighting in these dreams,
(we're actually VERY close, and she's been supportive of me)
Not just one dream, not just once,
but several dreams,
several nights.
One day this past week my sister called me,
asked me if I'd spoke to dad at all.
I simply replied,
"No, my phone rings too!"
He hasn't called me,
he knows what I've been working through,
(depression only, no details of the things that my therapy & growth have brought up)
I'm not going out of my way to contact him.
We haven't spoke since Christmas,
with the exception of my sons birthday in January,
there have been no phone calls!

I felt like she was disappointed that I hadn't called him,
I realize he lost his job,
and I know how that's likely affected my workaholic father.
I know depression VERY well.

One thing my girlfriend said yesterday, was a quote from Ashley Judd,
who apparently has a book talking of her childhood & abuse she's endured.
She said...
"this is my truth, every person in the family has their own truth"
Its true,
this is MY truth!
My siblings don't remember a lot of the things I do,
the cost of being the eldest I suppose!
My truth is I don't feel the need or want to have a relationship with my father.
Not the father I have & know now anyway!
I was broken,
for a very long time I've been broken!
I'm not broken now,
perhaps I should thank my father & step mother for breaking me!
Because its when I stopped to pick up all the pieces that I really found me!

To Clarify...

It was brought to my attention that it wasn't clear that my last post,
Letter to Dad,
wasn't actually meant for my father to read.
I assure you,
that my father will not read this letter unless one of my siblings decides to share it with him,
which I'm fairly confident will not happen!
So that letter was simply for my own cathartic purposes.
An outlet for me to say what I need to say to him!
Perhaps one day,
upon his passing,
I'll print out a copy,
bury it with him.

I know the emotional & mental damage that he has given me,
his legacy!
I feel the effects of that everyday!
I'm supposed to be able to find a way within me to nurture the little girl
that he & my step mother damaged.
I'm just not certain how!
Okay, so looking back at me filling my well,
I know many positive things about me to be true.
I've been told as much by many others.
I've been told that I'm strong,
that I'm brave,
that I'm smart.
But how do I teach myself to believe it?
How do I give myself this positive affirmation?
I'm 40 and am so insecure.
I give this false air of confidence, of a strong woman.
I've had many people tell me that they were afraid to meet me,
to get to know me,
because I come across as scary.
I am, in truth,
a kitten.
I wouldn't hurt a fly if I could avoid it!
I am the biggest cry baby.
I hurt if someone doesn't like me!
I don't have the thick skin that others seem to think I posses.
So I need to toughen up, or do I?
Perhaps I'm meant to be soft!
I mean I am a survivor of abuse.
Physical, verbal,
mental, emotional.
Perhaps I'm soft because of those abuses.
Perhaps if I hardened due to my abuse,
I wouldn't be the woman I am today!?
(See, optimism at its finest!)
I smile a lot,
a huge, entire face consuming smile!
I hate it!
Perhaps because I know the truth behind that smile!
Sometimes I wish I was safe to tell my father the damage he's done.
Sadly, I know it would fall on deaf ears.
And I know all too well his reply.
I know the hurt and damage that would result in.
I'm certain many would say I don't need to have or maintain a relationship with him.
And the truth is, for the most part, I don't.
I do long for what I believe to be a healthy father/daughter relationship.
But that's just setting me up for disappointment!
I need to learn to give up that dream!
I need someone with all the answers!

I so wish he died first...
I miss my mom!
I know that's evil to say!
But I don't feel bad for feeling that way,
and I'm certain one day I will,
but for now,
it is what it is!

My soul search for personal growth continues!
I do wonder how different I'd be had I been raised by my mom!

Letter to Dad...

Dad,

I don't really know where to start,
what to say,
or even how to say some of what I feel I need to say to you!
Allow me to start by saying,
I am NOT sorry for what I have to say.
I am sorry however for allowing so much of it to affect my life to the extent it has!

I have struggled greatly with my own self esteem, body image & my very being because of the way I was treated as you raised me!
So many of the things you've said to me, called me,
have left scars that I don't think you will ever truly comprehend!
You've seemed to do so with tones of sarcasm,
so as to make everyone feel you were joking,
but here's the thing, there is a little truth to every joke and if you hear something often enough then you'll believe it!

Children learn what they live dad!

You are supposed to be the role model for men in my life,
you're the one who set the bar,
the bar that all men are to meet in my life.
Yet, I watched you physically abuse my step mother, as you did my mother before her.
I watched you physically abuse my step brother.
I myself have experienced the physical pain of your rage.
I have VIVID memories of the physical abuses I've endured!
I cry just thinking about them!
HOW do adults think its okay to do this to children?
I'm 40 and don't think that I should be haunted by these memories!!

I am however, surprised at the amount of mental & psychological damage I live with due to the seemingly countless episodes of verbal/mental abuse!
I don't know that I will ever be able to get over being called fat, thunder thighs, hungry hippo or whatever other names you felt appropriate to call me!
I don't think you knew how much it hurt to have you say that the only way I ever finished a cross country race in school was to have you stand at the finish line & yell lunch!
I ran cross country & track because I enjoyed it, I was good at it too!
You made it so I was not comfortable running, so I wouldn't try.
You made me feel that I wasn't any good at it!
And calling me the names on top of that made me feel that I was fat anyway so why bother?! What I know now as an adult, is that I was NOT fat back then!
I was a normal HEALTHY young lady who's body was developing,
I had curves in all the right places!
I was FIT!
As a developing young woman I was already full of insecurities & self doubt,
I already had a low self esteem,
then to have my FATHER & step mother,
those responsible for my growth & development be the ones to rip me down,
to ensure I struggled and searched for love, acceptance, affection & attention from others!
I sit here now, a very lost, depressed, insecure morbidly obese 40 year old woman!
How much of that has stemmed from my childhood?
How much of my current situation is because of the very deep emotional scars left by you?

Why is it that anytime I think of you, dealing with you, thinking about having to talk to you, or even about past conversations I get scared?
I'm nervous at the prospect of dealing with you!
WHY?
Why is it that the father I want you to be, the father I need, you're not him?

My psychiatrist, who I thought was a nut job himself when I first started seeing him.
Has helped me see things in a different light.
He asked me, would you go to Canadian Tire to purchase a burger?
Of course my answer was no!
He likened what it is I want from you to that,
I keep going back to Canadian Tire asking them to make me a burger!
No matter how many times I go there asking them to do it they just won't!
I keep looking to you to be this person you aren't,
you aren't capable of being!
So WHY, dear god WHY, do I keep looking to you for it?
Why am I so desperate to have a relationship with someone who makes me feel stupid,
who makes me feel inferior?
I don't know the reason for it.
I've recently come to accept that its not just me that you're not this father to.
It's all of us!
Yet for some reason, I'm the only one who STILL gets treated this way!
I know you had a hard childhood yourself,
and I'm certain somewhere in your rationale,
you tell yourself that "at least they didn't have it as bad as I did!"
Dad, I'm here to tell you that you failed me consistently throughout my life,
and continue to do so!
I need to expect for you to consistently disappoint me.
I need to know that you will never admit your wrongs.
Yes Dad, you've been wrong!
Why is it, if for whatever reason,
I challenge your views or opinions, I'm an idiot?
Why am I the one that's wrong?

I don't ever expect you to apologize.
I don't ever expect you to tell me you love me.
I don't ever expect to have you make me feel special to you.
You're my father,
a girl is supposed to be protected by her dad!
You not only didn't protect me, but you yourself,
broke me!

I read this following quote from one of my favorite books...

ALL PARENTS DAMAGE their children.
It cannot be helped.
Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers.
Some parents smudge, other crack,
a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces beyond repair.

I would say you shattered mine!
I'm sure that you, and quite possibly others would say you only cracked...
But to me the only abuse I didn't endure at your hand was incest!
That's a VERY sad statement!

I've learned that you have an empty well.
I'm working on accepting that.
The real test will be when I have to interact with you again.
I'm hoping its not until Christmas again.
Part of me REALLY wants to tell you how I'm feeling,
to let you know how you've failed me, and how you continue to do so!
But I'm afraid that if I did so it would simply be to hurt you,
because I know deep down you just wouldn't get it.
Perhaps you just won't care!
But I feel that at this point,
the only thing I can do for me is let this go.
To let go of any dreams I have for you.

I know one day I'll regret many things,
but I can't have you be one of them!
After all, I am who I am now because of you & Sharon!
I'm this strong survivor because of your failures!

I love you Dad,
I'm just so sorry that's not enough for either of us!

Your Daughter,
Tracy